Sporting Apostrophes

“My peripheral vision is so poor I can’t see my fingers”

A capacity crowd witnessed the dramatic twelve-goal thriller against the Jocks of One Flew Into the Keepers Net (OFIKN) today, which tragically ended in defeat for the Super A’s.

“My outrage is subsiding” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys showed incredible courage in the face of adversity, but an incredible lack of stamina proved their undoing”.

With crocked striker McInerney watching from the stands, the team started nervously, aware of the lack of substitutes on the bench. Bonell, clearly angered by his nation’s poor Eurovision ranking, made a lively start. Debutants Hodgkiss and Stickland, playing defence and goal-hanger respectively, looked right at home in what was an unfamiliar line-up for the Apostrophes. Turner, equalling the Super A’s appearance record of two, continued his fine form, marshalling the midfield like a white chocolate Makélélé.

The first ten minutes saw a vicious onslaught from OFIKN – “Adhesive Digits” Hawkins leapt to the team’s rescue like a rabies-ridden man-cat. Apostrophes gained their composure with the onion bag molested just once by enemy toe-pokes, when a savage mantackle felled goalscorer Turner outside the box.

“It hurt like a bastard,” he protested, as he was carried off the field.

Spectators looked on in amazement as McInerney cheered on the sidelines, adding to the rumours of dressing room unrest.

Down to four men and with energy in short supply, the Super A’s were soon 2-1 behind. Against the run of play, the scores were leveled by Stickland before the ref blew the whistle for half time.

The second half saw the Apostrophes regroup. Turner’s ankle, swollen and deformed beyond Beadle’s worst nightmare, bravely donned the goalkeeper’s gloves, putting in a sterling performance for the remainder of the game. Hawkins, unbridled from his hand sheathes, ran amok, choosing to run through his opponents rather than past them, with Hodgkiss proving equally robust down the flanks.

The Super A’s, their last soupcon of energy spent, pegged the score back on three occasions during the half, with goals from Bonell, Hawkins and another cannon from Stickland. However, the superior fitness of OFIKN, combined with the injuries, bad luck, poor refereeing and meteorological interference that cursed the Apostrophes from start to finish, resulted in a 7-5 reverse for the heroic Pele spawn.

Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-7
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Hodgkiss, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1), Hawkins (1), Stickland (2), Turner (1).