Sporting Apostrophes

“Hinceman and Bonell on the wheelchair road to recovery”

Sporting Apostrophes took all three points in Sunday’s 13-goal thriller against Team Wang.

“Six points out of a possible nine! I’m beside myself with joy” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at his post-match colostomy bag refresh. “OK, so we nearly threw it away – at times it looked as though we actually WANTED them to win – but it’s three points on the board nonetheless.”

Fans wept and ritually sacrificed orphans, such was there joy at seeing Hinceman, his heavily bandaged ankle testament to the greatness of this veteran of many an Apostrophes War. The cacophony of noise continued as Turner joined him, his impressive strike rate making him this season’s early favourite for the coveted Brown Plimsole.

Aural statisticians monitoring the precise volume of the crowd registered no reduction in volume upon the appearance of “guarantee” Farnsworth, whose presence on the score sheet is as reliable as clockwork. Fans maintained their enthusiasm as Hawkins somersaulted from the tunnel, with the sound of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” propelling him through the air as though weightless.

After what seemed like hours, the team’s elder statesmen Kimberley and McInerney trudged onto the hallowed astroturf, their combined age of 94 a great, evil “shame stain” upon the world’s most excellent and famous club.

Deploying their renowned diamond formation, the Super A’s started the first half at a lively tempo; somewhere between a canter and a gallop, what some might call a “sexual manjog”. Their ball stroking quickly drew first blood, to the delight of the innumerable, real-life fans. A second soon followed, a bizarre off-the-bar-on-the-bar-and-in goal from Hinceman, his ankle clearly having lost none of its Baltimore Fury. Team Wang replied thanks to defensive crossed wires, Sporting’s communication skills having let them down for the umpteenth time, before the referee blew for half time.

After such a promising performance in the first half, a predictable, inevitable loss of form was apparent from the outset of the second. Sporting Apostrophes onion compass wasn’t calibrated, and their passing, so arousing in the first period, seemed listless and misguided, like a zombie rapist on parole. Team Wang punished the Super A’s onion like an abusive step-brother, leaving fans fearful that like last week’s match, the game would be thrown away. Despite their misgivings, the team held on to their lead until the final whistle for a famous 7-6 victory.

Sporting Apostrophes inferior goal difference leaves them in fourth spot, having taken six points from a possible nine. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hinceman (2), McInerney (1), Turner (2).