Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Unsung Heroes
“The fans are like Queen: they want it all and they want it now”
The Super A’s were thrashed ten-nil by Unsung Heroes yesterday, marking a new low for the world famous club.
“We passed the ball about nicely enough” explained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The only things we lack are tactical nous, fitness, skill, concentration and the sheer will to win. Our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result, but I’m sure they’ll acknowledge that the team is moving forward in a very tough division.”
The Apostrophes sported a familiar line-up with the addition of new signing Hinceman, whose $10 million transfer from Baltimore’s Crystal Palace F.C. was completed late last Friday evening. His central midfield role received support from the never-ever-score-again Kimberley, with McInerney leading the line. Hawkins, donning brand new hand sheathes following the horror latex injury suffered in last week’s game, aimed to preserve the integrity of the plywood onion bag, with Lissimore providing defensive cover.
The first half started brightly enough, with the Super A’s stroking the ball about playfully across the pitch, to the delight of the innumerable fans. Unfortunately, their joy was short lived, as the Apostrophes manly, beast-like momentum was savagely castrated by the scythe of mother misfortune. Distraught and confused, further punishment ensued, leaving a disorientated, deflated and tired (though extremely handsome) team to retire to the lavish splendour of their changing boudoir for half time five goals down.
The second half saw no improvement, despite encouraging signs from partizan referee Mugabe, once again given the “I’d kill thousands to do this” privilege of officiating a Super A’s “Classico”. Hawkins and Lissimore switched positions in an attempt to confuse and amaze the infidels, but their efforts proved futile, the game ending a disappointing 10-0 to Unsung Heroes.
Sporting Apostrophes remain pointless, hovering above the bottom of the table by way of goal difference. A terrible injustice!
Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.
10-0 – can’t we pretend that we forfeited?
I’m so ashamed that I actually went for a jog this morning. You mark my words, in 2-3 weeks I’ll be blessed with Olympic-level fitness, stamina and buttock firmness.