Sporting Apostrophes

“McInerney looks bewildered by father’s Adidas tumour”

The eleven-goal thriller against Matraquilhos FC yesterday ended in yet another defeat for the mighty Super A’s.

“It was ugly, up-in-the-air football, the kind that makes a purist sick from his bumhole” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Yet again, concentration was in short supply, and we were punished accordingly. How on earth I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I don’t know.”

The Apostrophes, bolstered by new signings Farnsworth and Lissimore, sported an exciting new line up, to the delight of the capacity crowd. The in-form Turner patrolled the midfield, supported by the out-of-form, never-to-score-again Kimberley and new boy Farnsworth. Defensive duties were in the capable hands of Lissimore, supported by Hawkins, once again donning the famous hand sheathes. Against medical advice, McInerney roamed freely, in defiance of the cruel “static” nickname so often heard from the terraces.

“C’est une Catastrophe!” the crowd cried within moments of the kick-off, when a misunderstanding between Hawkins and Lissimore led to Matraquilhos’ first blood. The infidels soon scored a second, angering the voluminous, real-life, genuine crowd.

The Super A’s lapse of concentration soon passed, replaced by world-class, pass-and-move football that would grace the world’s greatest stadia. In football, like life, beauty must lead to punishment: in this instance, the blow was dealt by McInerney, with seconds of the first half to spare. The team retired to the hot tub a goal down, but with the testes of fate firmly within their baboon-like grasp.

The second half saw the Super A’s repeatedly take the lead thanks to a tidy brace by Farnsworth, plus a goal from Turner and a McInerney penalty. The team threatened to win the match on a number of occasions, but with the clock running down and concentration wavering, the Apostrophes were punished by Matraquilhos, who edged ahead at the death.

Sporting Apostrophes remain precariously close to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2), Turner (1).