Sporting Apostrophes

“The Super A’s African Realtopbonus Soccer Education (A.R.S.E.) programme is sure to reap dividends”

Yesterday’s 12-goal thriller against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“We passed the ball about nicely, but our defensive frailties were exposed yet again” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys are blessed with a divine talent, of that I’m certain, but they mustn’t get carried away with showboating when there’s hard manlygraft to be done. How I’ll explain this result to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. I just don’t know.”

The Super A’s fielded a galaxy of stars including Bonell, McInerney, Turner (returning from his one-month lay-off) and the on-loan Cameo, to the delight and amazement of the enormous, real-life crowd. With the exception of Hawkins, who once again donned the sheathes of handiness, the team adopted a “freestyle” formation, mixing up their positions in a way that mankind has never before witnessed, and in all probability never will again.

For the first few minutes of the match, the Apostrophes’ unique tactic appeared to work. The team stroked the sphere from player to player with much beauty, evoking cries of “ace,” “manbonus” and even “beefvenom” from the innumerable fans. Things were looking very positive for the Super A’s until the Sea-Hawks, breaking down the left wing, struck the ball past a hapless Hawkins whose digits were looking somewhat less than their adhesive best. A Bonell blast briefly kept the team in the match, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Super A’s retiring to the luxury of their 5-star changing rooms 6-1 down.

With the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, and with energy levels waning, the Apostrophes could do little to prevent a second half onslaught. Despite some great movement from Bonell and the rejuvenated Turner, with the assistance of some Cameo muscle, the team’s lack of defensive coherence led to further brutal punishment. A bizarre own goal added to the Apostrophes tally, to the delight of the abundant crowd, leaving the team to wind down the clock until referee Robert Mugabe called time with the score at an unacceptable 10-2 to the Sea-Hawks.

For the first time in the club’s history, Sporting Apostrophes climb to seventh in the league table! However, the imbeciles at Powerleague have spelt the team name incorrectly, which is a source of great embarrassment to the team and its beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1) plus one own-goal.