Abbreviated match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Swan and Speedos
“Borgnine and Hinceman sample le oignon fondant at the rehearsal dinner for the Promotion Feast”
A bitter new rivalry was created as a result of last Sunday’s petulant encounter with league newcomers Swan and Speedos.
“Good God, they’re worse than Minety, Real So So Bad and Los Diablos baked into an irritating past-date quiche!” raged an irate Ernest Borgnine. “They’re unsporting, foul-mouthed, and, to worst of all, they injured our star pony. With any luck we’ll leave them languishing in division II as we sup from the golden chalice of promotion and everlasting life, fertility and all-you-can-eat buffets.”
Match highlights include: a hat-trick for “guarantee” Farnsworth, taking his season total to 33 goals in just 9 appearances; top-drawer sheath loving from Stickland; Wessely just making the last call for part deux; Pacheco tasting astroturf, leaving him on the sidelines for potentially the rest of the season; Hinceman dishing out pain like a Biggie and Tupac club sandwich; another sterling performance for young Tinsley; energy and ivory from the evergreen Kimberley, without a modicum of harmony.
Sporting Apostrophes remain at the top of division II with a 3-point lead and commanding goal difference. With just 3 matches remaining, the promotion dream is more alive than a motorway collision between the cast of Fame’s tour bus and a lorry load of amphetamines. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 3-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3).