Match Report: Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
“Turner ‘nose’ where the goal is after his lengthy barren spell”
Sporting Apostrophes’ quest for promotion took a sizeable step backwards, thanks to an unfortunate defeat at the hands of U.B.O.C.
“U.B.O.C. – they’re a solid team – you can see that they wanted it more than us,” Ernest Borgnine told reporters at the post-match briefing. “We have to address this alarming run of form that’s seen us pick up just two points in our last four matches. Our season is at stake, and, quite frankly, it’s not good enough. The billion-strong fan base deserves better.”
The Apostrophes, eager to taste victory for the first time since 18th October, fielded a robust sandwich with meat at both ends. Kimberley returned to the dressing room after a six week absence. The “albino Essien” lined-up beside midfield Mozarts Turner and Wessley, the former amazing fans with his newly-discovered enthusiasm for worshipping at the temple of onion. Pacheco took to the field for his landmark 20th appearance, making him the 10th most capped player in the world famous club’s history.
An unsheathed, yellow Stickland appeared from the players’ tunnel, leaving the Apostrophes’ particularly astute fans to work out the inevitable.
“Oh. My. God. They’re dropping the H-Bomb!” cried fans, as the scent of Hawkins filled every nostril in the stadium. Hawkins’ long-awaited return from the dreaded “lesbian shoulder” was cheered by fans for at least an hour, before the referee commenced the day’s excitement with a robust toot on his whistle.
Like a hoard of feral Tina Turners, the Super A’s launched themselves at U.B.O.C., well aware of the opposition’s propensity for a bit of heave-ho. An ugly, Simon Weston spectacle ensued: not a match for the purist. Turner drew first blood with a sublime finish, his fear of violations now a distant-but-terrifying memory. U.B.O.C. replied, to the dismay of the crowd, as the first half drew to a close.
The second half was much the same: a torrid, unsightly affair of diced, frozen onion, the kind that languishes in the freezer compartment beyond its sell-by date. Kimberley offered a threat of sorts in the middle of the park, while Wessely and Pacheco sought chances on the wing. Stickland resumed defensive duties, as Turner looked to add to his orphan violation, which he duly did with 10 minutes remaining.
Fans hoped for a much-needed victory, but U.B.O.C., eager to make amends for their recent run of poor form against the Super A’s, battled on to take the three points.
With the end of the season approaching and Sporting Apostrophes’ form in free-fall, fans’ hopes of a promotion party are very much on ice. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-3
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Turner (2).