Sporting Apostrophes

“Left to right: Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley, Correa, referee Candy, Turner.”

Sporting Apostrophes were eliminated on goal difference in last Saturday’s thrill-a-minute Twilight Football Tournament.

“3 wins, a draw and a loss: 10 points from a possible 15. Everything was looking rosy,” explained Ernest Borgnine, unpacking his suitcase, his dreams of a trip to Australia in tatters. “Despite not winning, or even making the knockout stages, only a fool would dispute the fact that we were easily the team of the tournament.”

The Super A’s team sheet boasted an incredible, eye-watering quantity of raw talent, each man blessed with the speed of Usain Bolt, the strength of Geoff Capes, the footballing talent of Pele and the comic timing of Paul Hogan. Athletes of this calibre a born not made. Cheers erupted from every corner of the stadium, as the seven heroes galloped forth from the players’ tunnel in alphabetical order: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland and Turner.

Fans’ favourite John Candy made a welcome return to Powerleague London City to referee the world famous Apostrophes.

“It’s a privilege to officiate this team, they’re brilliant. Brilliant on a stick. Brilliant, on a stick, covered in toffee, then sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. Honestly, can you imagine anything more brilliant than that? No, I thought not,” said Candy, as the Super A’s kicked off the opening match.

Sporting Apostrophes, kings of the astroturf, dominated each and every one of their 9-minute fixtures on the luxurious 7-a-side pitch, reserved specially for their premium onionball. Hannigan-Daley chalked up an astonishing five onion bag violations, as Correa and Hinceman each feasted on stereo onion sandwiches. Man-defending by Kimberley and Stickland helped Hawkins to maintain three clean satin sheets, whilst Turner covered every inch of the artificial grass.

With their team sitting proudly at the top of the group, Apostrophes fans were already looking ahead to the quarter finals. Tragically, their hopes were soon dashed, following a series of matches where the onion harvest was plentiful, but left the bitter taste of deceit in one’s trousers.

“It’s a fix! A fix!” fans cried, convinced the sub-standard teams at the foot of the table has been nobbled like a broken biscuit, but their protests fell on deaf ears.

Sporting Apostrophes bowed gracefully to the capacity crowd, then retired to the buffet in order of appetite: Kimberley, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley again, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley again, Turner, Hannigan-Daley, and finally, Kimberley.

Match 1: Sporting Apostrophes 2-0 Roy Castle Rovers
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2).

Match 2: F&C 0-1 Sporting Apostrophes
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (1).

Match 3: RPFC 4-0 Sporting Apostrophes

Match 4: Sporting Apostrophes 4-0 DBS FC
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2), Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Match 5: Sporting Apostrophes 2-2 Upminster Park
Goals: Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Squad: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Total goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Correa (2), Hinceman (2).