Sporting Apostrophes

“Pacheco runs onion rings around every man on the pitch, Bell included, to score his second half wonder-goal”

Sunday’s “onionball classico” against Minety ended in a disappointing 7-2 reverse for the Apostrophes.

“I was really hoping we’d do a number on this shower after the ill-tempered meeting we had with them earlier in the season,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match press orgy. “We were just a goal down at half time, and I genuinely thought we’d get the 3 points, but the well-oiled Apostrophes machine blew a gasket yet again. It angers me when the boys serve up a delicious entrée, then proceed to ruin everyone’s appetite with an abysmal dessert.”

Fans showed their appreciation for the Apostrophes legends as they took to the astroturf in approximate order of skin complexion. 14-goal top scorer Correa was first, followed closely by Pacheco, making his tenth appearance for the super yellows. The comparatively dusky pair were soon joined by Turner, with a swarthy Kimberley just inches behind. Average Bell and golden Wessely made it six, with a pasty Hawkins trailing far behind to complete the magnificent seven.

The first half was a war of attrition, with each side over-populating the midfield area in an effort to dominate.

“We’ll never win this game with a 0-4-0 formation!” the fans shouted, but their tactical nous fell on deaf ears.

Turner and Wessely chalked up the miles, but with limited space on the pitch, opportunities were limited to a handful of long-range efforts and a half-chance for Bell.

A goal down thanks to a fortunate poke past Hawkins, Sporting Apostrophes fans were hoping for more potency during part deux. A solid strike into the bottom-left corner of Minety’s net was just reward for Correa’s endeavours. Pacheco made it Twix with an astonishing solo effort, a definite candidate for the prestigious Onion Bag Violation Of The Season award.

With the JumboTron reading 3-2 to the infidels, fans prayed for a generous serving of onion, but a spectacular collapse from the Super A’s soon dashed their somewhat unrealistic hopes.

“This is poo! No, really, it is! Like a jar of Nutella, where the Nutella has been scooped out, and some wag has put poo in! And then you’ve only gone and eaten it! Then served it at a childrens’ party! Then, to add further insult, stuffed Ferrero Rocher with it and served it to diplomats!” raged one particularly irate fan.

Referee Chris Griffin brought proceedings to their inevitable conclusion with a firm toot on his whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to rue opportunities missed and onion served stone-cold.

Sporting Apostrophes remain sixth in the table: an inhospitable no man’s land, where promotion is a distant dream, relegation an unloved biscuit bereft of chocolate coating. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-7
Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).