Sporting Apostrophes

“Excitement grips the entire planet as the new Sporting Apostrophes kit is announced”

Sporting Apostrophes have confirmed the launch of their new official team strip in September, marking a new era of professionalism for the world famous club.

“Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. abandoned us in our hour of need, and the subsequent kit we trialled was an unmitigated disaster,” said chairman Ernest Borgnine, addressing the myriad journalists gathered at the Apostrophes Media Centre. “In stark contrast to its predecessor, the new jersey will be breathable and short-sleeved, which is sure to maximise the aerodynamic coefficient ratio factor science by a significant spacemargin. The big, embroidered, infinitely kissable Sporting Apostrophes badge is to die for. Oh, and the matching numbered shorts are a nice touch.”

Players’ agents have expressed concern that each squad member will only be issued with the new apparel upon receipt of a £20 fee, but Borgnine dismissed the claims out of hand, citing the need to reinvest in the team’s forced labour facility in the third world.

“Left to right: Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley, Correa, referee Candy, Turner.”

Sporting Apostrophes were eliminated on goal difference in last Saturday’s thrill-a-minute Twilight Football Tournament.

“3 wins, a draw and a loss: 10 points from a possible 15. Everything was looking rosy,” explained Ernest Borgnine, unpacking his suitcase, his dreams of a trip to Australia in tatters. “Despite not winning, or even making the knockout stages, only a fool would dispute the fact that we were easily the team of the tournament.”

The Super A’s team sheet boasted an incredible, eye-watering quantity of raw talent, each man blessed with the speed of Usain Bolt, the strength of Geoff Capes, the footballing talent of Pele and the comic timing of Paul Hogan. Athletes of this calibre a born not made. Cheers erupted from every corner of the stadium, as the seven heroes galloped forth from the players’ tunnel in alphabetical order: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland and Turner.

Fans’ favourite John Candy made a welcome return to Powerleague London City to referee the world famous Apostrophes.

“It’s a privilege to officiate this team, they’re brilliant. Brilliant on a stick. Brilliant, on a stick, covered in toffee, then sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. Honestly, can you imagine anything more brilliant than that? No, I thought not,” said Candy, as the Super A’s kicked off the opening match.

Sporting Apostrophes, kings of the astroturf, dominated each and every one of their 9-minute fixtures on the luxurious 7-a-side pitch, reserved specially for their premium onionball. Hannigan-Daley chalked up an astonishing five onion bag violations, as Correa and Hinceman each feasted on stereo onion sandwiches. Man-defending by Kimberley and Stickland helped Hawkins to maintain three clean satin sheets, whilst Turner covered every inch of the artificial grass.

With their team sitting proudly at the top of the group, Apostrophes fans were already looking ahead to the quarter finals. Tragically, their hopes were soon dashed, following a series of matches where the onion harvest was plentiful, but left the bitter taste of deceit in one’s trousers.

“It’s a fix! A fix!” fans cried, convinced the sub-standard teams at the foot of the table has been nobbled like a broken biscuit, but their protests fell on deaf ears.

Sporting Apostrophes bowed gracefully to the capacity crowd, then retired to the buffet in order of appetite: Kimberley, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley again, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley again, Turner, Hannigan-Daley, and finally, Kimberley.

Match 1: Sporting Apostrophes 2-0 Roy Castle Rovers
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2).

Match 2: F&C 0-1 Sporting Apostrophes
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (1).

Match 3: RPFC 4-0 Sporting Apostrophes

Match 4: Sporting Apostrophes 4-0 DBS FC
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2), Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Match 5: Sporting Apostrophes 2-2 Upminster Park
Goals: Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Squad: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Total goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Correa (2), Hinceman (2).

“Stickland, Kimberley, Farnsworth and Correa combine to form a wall of pure, unadulterated talent”

Sporting Apostrophes fans were treated to a robust display of mid-tempo onionball in Sunday’s encounter with promotion favourites Frutti di Mare.

“It was a solid performance today – one of the best team performances of the season,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our line-up for this fixture was like a breeze block covered in lipstick: it might not be pretty, but Christ, you can’t help but think of penetrating its holes.”

The capacity crowd showed its considerable enthusiasm for the “Fantastic Five” as they sashayed from the players’ tunnel. Hawkins was granted the privilege of appearing first, making his landmark, record-breaking 50th appearance for the world famous club.

“50 matches – it brings tears to my eyes and my penis,” he wept, addressing fans over the stadium PA. “I can still clearly remember the first ever Sporting Apostrophes match back at Old Street as if it were only yesterday.”

Kimberley, a veteran of that historic day, supported the Liberace-style trail on Hawkins ceremonial cape, embroidered with 5 golden stars, one for each onion bag violation. Immediately behind him, Correa, Stickland and Farnsworth formed a human pyramid in a perspex tank containing 467 footballs, one for each goal conceded by the team since the Apostrophes’ birth.

“Hurrah!” cried the fans, with some justification.

The Super A’s kicked off the first half with an air of trepidation, aware that the humidity and lack of substitutes presented a significant obstacle. A sedate, leisurely display of onion-stroking was the soup du jour, the team showing a surprising level of foresight. The Apostrophes’ strategy looked as though it might bear fruit, as the team maintained possession, but Frutti di Mare drew first quiche with a well taken drive. Farnsworth, back in the line-up following his promotional tour in Thailand, levelled the scores with a trademark cannon, before referee Chris Griffin blew the half time whistle.

Sporting Apostrophes, eager to earn a valuable three points that would see them close the gap on Green Park, increased the tempo after the break. This noble but foolhardy tactic proved their undoing, as Frutti di Mare made good use of their numerical advantage.

Goals from Correa and Farnsworth kept up the pressure, until late in the second half, when the referee awarded a penalty with the score at 3-4. Farnsworth confidently placed the ball on the spot and awaited the referee’s whistle. The innumerable fans released a sigh of resignation, knowing Farnsworth’s dismal record with spot kicks, as the ball whistled past the left post.

With energy levels in short supply, Sporting Apostrophes laboured on, as Frutti di Mare sought more goals to cement their impending victory. Kimberley and Stickland helped spare the team’s blushes with some stoic defending, aided by Hawkins’ top-drawer manflinging.

After 40 minutes of hard-fought onionball, the team trudged off the astroturf to commiserate a 5-3 reverse, their dreams of a record-breaking fifth place finish in tatters. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (1).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 30th August 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

“awaiting picture – coming soon”

It was three onions apiece in Sporting Apostrophes’ ill-tempered encounter with league newcomers Flat Back Four last Sunday.

“They’re filthy, rotten cheats!” chairman Ernest Borgnine protested. “They tried every trick in the book to get Pacheco sin-binned, and, to my dismay, they eventually succeeded. I’m sure their kit must break league regulations too: it’s black and pink vertical penises! How on earth can that be allowed!”

Match highlights include: a jumbo serving of onion bag violations for Pacheco, his first hat-trick for the Super A’s; a man-of-the-match performance from Kimberley, his first of the season; top-drawer handsheathing from multi-use Stickland; a welcome return for “the beast”; another remarkable injury-free performance from the aging Turner; “juryman” Bell delivering justice down the flanks.

As the end of the season nears, Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted in sixth place, the smell of promotion as distant and unrecognisable as a the ghost of Princess Diana. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-3

Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (3).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 23rd August 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

“The world’s greatest athletes limber up prior to Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Bell, Hinceman, Stickland”

The “beast from Baltimore” returns to the line-up for his first appearance since June. “juryman” Bell joins him, before what could prove to be a lengthy absence in the high court.

Stickland will resume sheath duty, with Kimberley all set to make his tenth appearance of the season.

With Correa absent, Pacheco will be looking to deliver onion as the race for top-scorer intensifies. Aging midfielder Turner will complete the “seis lendas”.

Line-up for Sunday’s clash with Flat Back Four:

Bell
Hinceman
Kimberley
Pacheco
Stickland
Turner

INCLUDES BONUS-BUFFET (MAY CONTAIN ONION) AND NO MATCH FEES! GENUINE GRATISBALL!

4pm kick-off, SATURDAY 22nd August 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rest squad members.

“Pacheco runs onion rings around every man on the pitch, Bell included, to score his second half wonder-goal”

Sunday’s “onionball classico” against Minety ended in a disappointing 7-2 reverse for the Apostrophes.

“I was really hoping we’d do a number on this shower after the ill-tempered meeting we had with them earlier in the season,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match press orgy. “We were just a goal down at half time, and I genuinely thought we’d get the 3 points, but the well-oiled Apostrophes machine blew a gasket yet again. It angers me when the boys serve up a delicious entrée, then proceed to ruin everyone’s appetite with an abysmal dessert.”

Fans showed their appreciation for the Apostrophes legends as they took to the astroturf in approximate order of skin complexion. 14-goal top scorer Correa was first, followed closely by Pacheco, making his tenth appearance for the super yellows. The comparatively dusky pair were soon joined by Turner, with a swarthy Kimberley just inches behind. Average Bell and golden Wessely made it six, with a pasty Hawkins trailing far behind to complete the magnificent seven.

The first half was a war of attrition, with each side over-populating the midfield area in an effort to dominate.

“We’ll never win this game with a 0-4-0 formation!” the fans shouted, but their tactical nous fell on deaf ears.

Turner and Wessely chalked up the miles, but with limited space on the pitch, opportunities were limited to a handful of long-range efforts and a half-chance for Bell.

A goal down thanks to a fortunate poke past Hawkins, Sporting Apostrophes fans were hoping for more potency during part deux. A solid strike into the bottom-left corner of Minety’s net was just reward for Correa’s endeavours. Pacheco made it Twix with an astonishing solo effort, a definite candidate for the prestigious Onion Bag Violation Of The Season award.

With the JumboTron reading 3-2 to the infidels, fans prayed for a generous serving of onion, but a spectacular collapse from the Super A’s soon dashed their somewhat unrealistic hopes.

“This is poo! No, really, it is! Like a jar of Nutella, where the Nutella has been scooped out, and some wag has put poo in! And then you’ve only gone and eaten it! Then served it at a childrens’ party! Then, to add further insult, stuffed Ferrero Rocher with it and served it to diplomats!” raged one particularly irate fan.

Referee Chris Griffin brought proceedings to their inevitable conclusion with a firm toot on his whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to rue opportunities missed and onion served stone-cold.

Sporting Apostrophes remain sixth in the table: an inhospitable no man’s land, where promotion is a distant dream, relegation an unloved biscuit bereft of chocolate coating. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-7
Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).

“Hot of the presses, the incredible Sporting Apostrophes stickers”

Sporting Apostrophes’ state-of-the-art sweatshop facility, based in a secret third-world location, is busy ramping up production of the club’s exciting range of official merchandise.

“Surveys have proven beyond reasonable doubt that Sporting Apostrophes are the world’s greatest, most supported club, with over 3 billion fans worldwide,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine at the official sticker launch party. “The desire to create a titillating selection of collectables is as natural as beastiality.”

To receive a FREE sticker, email a photo of yourself and/or your colleagues* beside your monitor with the Sporting Apostrophes website visible to sponsor@sportingapostrophes.com, including your name and address, and you too can feel the unique Sporting Apostrophes adhesive press against your naked flesh.

* Silly photos, particularly if they’re in a corporate environment, may be rewarded with multiple stickers!

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 16th August 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rest squad members.