Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley’s 0.24 miles covered in Sunday’s match equals his personal best”

Sporting Apostrophes threw all the passion, ability and hair they could collectively muster at their opponents 5IVE last Sunday, but it wasn’t enough to stop them swigging from the brown Thermos labelled ‘Defeat Liquor’.

“They’re top o’ the table, unbeaten n’ able,” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pride outweighing his disappointment by a ratio of 4-to-1. “We played some good football, and, with a little luck, we could have sauntered away with the full 3 points, but with the score at 4-5 we caught the scent of victory, which turned out to be the aroma of meat. It’s a mistake we’ve made several times this season, despite the increased investment in our state-of-the-art nasal programming technology.”

The capacity crowd showed their appreciation as the Super A’s galloped majestically from the players’ tunnel. This season’s top scorers, Pacheo and Correa, headed the pack, on 8 and 7 goals respectively. Stickland followed, his recent performances in defence earning much praise from the terraces. Midfield maestro Turner arrived next, making his landmark 30th appearance for the famous yellows, with Kimberley, the albino Essien, close behind. Making his second appearance on the season, Bell joined them, leaving handsheath exponent Hawkins to complete the heavenly seven.

Kick-off was preceded by a 2-hour silence in memory of Michael Jackson. Fans wept openly throughout, as the Ebony and Ivory video was projected onto the stadium, the song that single-handedly brought racial harmony and understanding to the entire universe forevermore.

The first half began cautiously, as the Apostrophes sized up their table-topping foes.

“Punish them!” screamed the crowd, but their cries fell on deaf ears.

With ten minutes on the clock, 5IVE drew first blood, a fortunate counter-attack, a most terrible injustice. Their confidence dented, the Apostrophes conceded three more in rapid succession, as the team, looking disorganised and disorientated, struggled to find their inner chi. Sporting laboured on, until the referee, looking uncharacteristically smart in his fetching black jersey, peeped on his whistle to signify the end of the first half with the Super A’s 4-0 down.

“This is bogusball, not onionball!” Turner ranted, his primal, aboriginal roots making his senses go walkabout.

Sporting Apostrophes commenced the second half with a renewed belief, their righteous, God-given entitlement to victory at the forefront of their minds. Their determination soon reaped dividends, as Pacheco scored a delicious goal, driving the partizan crowd into a frenzy in the process. More onion bag violations followed: a cannon from Correa, a rare poke from Turner and a second for Pacheco.

A mere goal behind, the Super A’s pushed forward seeking an equaliser, perhaps even an improbable victory. Unfortunately, the team’s thirst for onion left them vulnerable at the rear, as 5IVE cemented their lead with three more strikes.

“A valiant effort, but it wasn’t to be,” a dejected Kimberley told reporters gathered outside the stadium after the match, as the player dubbed “Birmingham Molby” drove off in his souped-up, luxury Montego Estate.

Sporting Apostrophes lie eighth in the table: their dreams of promotion, whilst mathematically possible, appear as distant as an interplanetary Rory Delap throw-in. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-7

Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Turner (1).