1pm kick-off, Sunday 2nd August 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Hawkins shows the fans the incredible goalscoring face of Correa”
Sporting Apostrophes’ thrill-a-minute fixture with old rivals Green Park ended in a narrow 3-2 defeat for the Super A’s.
“Regardless of the result, you can’t help but shower praise on both sets of players following a match of that quality,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The game had everything: skill, flair, passion, astroturf, onion bag violations, you name it. Three points would have been the icing on the cake, but as it transpired we got none, so it was more like the poo-soiling on the hand-made leather uppers.”
Bell and Correa, rested for last week’s fixture, returned to the starting line-up. Making his landmark 25th appearance for the famous yellows, Stickland joined the pair, accompanied by “guarantee” Farnsworth. “adhesive digits” Hawkins resumed sheathmaster duties, with midfield maestro Wessely and Pacheco completing the “sete magníficos.”
“Astroturf Godfather” Dizzy Gillespie, given the privilege of refereeing the world’s favourite club for the umpteenth time, peeped his whistle to commence the match. From the outset, Sporting Apostrophes, eager to continue their good run of form, played premium, high-tempo deliciousball orchestrated by Pacheco and Wessely from the middle of the park.
“Esta equipa cheiro muito bom!” Green Park’s manager screamed, though few could understand him.
Against the will of God and indeed the run of play, Green Park drew first blood, to the dismay of the partizan crowd. Another soon followed, leaving Sporting Apostrophes with a two goal deficit and a stadium filled with irate supporters.
“This isn’t delicious at all, it’s just rubbish!” they cried, somewhat unfairly.
Fans’ hopes were restored by a Farnsworth spot kick, put away neatly at the second attempt. Correa levelled the scores with a unique “face volley,” before Powerleague’s greatest referee blew for the orange segment party.
“Eles são bons, mas você tem que negar-lhes cebola oportunidade!” yelled Green Park’s manager, though few could understand him.
The Super A’s rained shot after shot upon Green Park’s goal, an almost Biblical shower of onion hailstones, each bigger than a Geoff Capes floater. A sterling performance by Green Park’s sheathmaster, the post and downright bad luck denied the world a Sporting Apostrophes victory that would have been more beautiful than a Nelson Mandela handshake.
For the third time this season, Sporting Apostrophes retired to the luxurious splendour of their Changing and Manly Regeneration Complex having lost by a solitary goal, a single, orphan devil-onion authored by the loins of the opposition. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-3
Squad: Bell, Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Correa (1), Farnsworth (1).
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 26th July 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Stickland’s pins: as blurry as the memory of his last goal, scored way back in June 2008”
A ticker-tape parade greeted Sporting Apostrophes’ victorious heroes following their second consecutive victory, a first for the world famous club.
“It’s fitting that this miracle happened on the occasion of our 60th match,” an elated Ernest Borgnine commented, his pride swelling visibly within his corduroys. “Two wins on the bounce – perhaps the boys can make it three next Sunday against Green Park? OK, so we’ve never beaten them and they’re on a good run of form, but where there’s a will there’s a Ray Charles.”
Fans were treated to a festival of onion as every outfield player chalked up a strike, with the notable exception of Stickland, whose last goal came over a year ago. “guarantee” Farnsworth delivered on his promises with stereo violations, while Pacheco added to his impressive tally of 9 from 7, putting pressure on current top scorer Correa. Wessely scored a sublime top-corner effort, matched by Kimberley’s audacious “foul-kick-barge” pokeathon. Hannigan-Daley, back from exile in Canada, made it 5 in 2, following the 4 scored on his debut earlier this season, also against Team Wang.
“They’re a nice bunch Team Wang, but they seemed in a frightfully bad mood today,” said Hawkins, his mouth foaming, such was his joy at baking victory cakes. “Their jolly in the New Forest may have cost them more than they realise.”
Sporting Apostrophes quest for promotion is still alive, albeit in a comatose, anesthetised fashion, like a still-born, quaaludes-addicted tortoise called David. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hannigan-Daley (1), Kimberley (1), Pacheco (1), Wessely (1).
1pm kick-off, Sunday 19th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Farnsworth licks the air with disgust after missing a penalty against Frutti di Mare”
Sporting Apostrophes’ all-time record scorer Farnsworth has reiterated his desire for onion bag violations following this season’s disappointing haul of just four goals to date.
“I scored 24 last season, and 22 the season before, so I am quite frankly outraged that people dare question my thirst for goals,” the Yorkshireman raged. “I’ve missed a few matches this season thanks to my persistent wedding injury, but I’m the Rotherham Schwarzenegger: I’ll be back.”
Farnsworth’s next appearance will be against Team Wang on Sunday, the team against which he scored his first halfdozerlation.
“Stickland has the best of both balls”
A quintet of footballing genii delivered a hard-earned victory for the Super A’s in Sunday’s action-packed, 15-goal thriller.
“A well-deserved win against an unsporting, uncivilised mob,” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, feasting on onion canapés at the post-match buffet. “They’re bottom of the table, and deservedly so. How dare they refuse to shake paws with my players after the game? How very dare they? Mark my words, we’ll beat them when next we meet, by a more handsome margin too I’ll wager.”
Match highlights include: quadruple violation goodness from the mysterious Cameo; a Correa hat-trick, making him this season’s top scorer on 10 goals; top-drawer sheath pouncing from between-the-sticks Stickland; energetic tolling from Bell; pulsating, dark chocolate determination from Kimberley.
Sporting Apostrophes’ haul of 10 points from 10 leaves them languishing mid-table in division II. A terrible injustice!
Score: 8-7
Squad: Bell, Cameo, Correa, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Cameo (4), Correa (3), Bell (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 12th July 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Kimberley’s 0.24 miles covered in Sunday’s match equals his personal best”
Sporting Apostrophes threw all the passion, ability and hair they could collectively muster at their opponents 5IVE last Sunday, but it wasn’t enough to stop them swigging from the brown Thermos labelled ‘Defeat Liquor’.
“They’re top o’ the table, unbeaten n’ able,” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pride outweighing his disappointment by a ratio of 4-to-1. “We played some good football, and, with a little luck, we could have sauntered away with the full 3 points, but with the score at 4-5 we caught the scent of victory, which turned out to be the aroma of meat. It’s a mistake we’ve made several times this season, despite the increased investment in our state-of-the-art nasal programming technology.”
The capacity crowd showed their appreciation as the Super A’s galloped majestically from the players’ tunnel. This season’s top scorers, Pacheo and Correa, headed the pack, on 8 and 7 goals respectively. Stickland followed, his recent performances in defence earning much praise from the terraces. Midfield maestro Turner arrived next, making his landmark 30th appearance for the famous yellows, with Kimberley, the albino Essien, close behind. Making his second appearance on the season, Bell joined them, leaving handsheath exponent Hawkins to complete the heavenly seven.
Kick-off was preceded by a 2-hour silence in memory of Michael Jackson. Fans wept openly throughout, as the Ebony and Ivory video was projected onto the stadium, the song that single-handedly brought racial harmony and understanding to the entire universe forevermore.
The first half began cautiously, as the Apostrophes sized up their table-topping foes.
“Punish them!” screamed the crowd, but their cries fell on deaf ears.
With ten minutes on the clock, 5IVE drew first blood, a fortunate counter-attack, a most terrible injustice. Their confidence dented, the Apostrophes conceded three more in rapid succession, as the team, looking disorganised and disorientated, struggled to find their inner chi. Sporting laboured on, until the referee, looking uncharacteristically smart in his fetching black jersey, peeped on his whistle to signify the end of the first half with the Super A’s 4-0 down.
“This is bogusball, not onionball!” Turner ranted, his primal, aboriginal roots making his senses go walkabout.
Sporting Apostrophes commenced the second half with a renewed belief, their righteous, God-given entitlement to victory at the forefront of their minds. Their determination soon reaped dividends, as Pacheco scored a delicious goal, driving the partizan crowd into a frenzy in the process. More onion bag violations followed: a cannon from Correa, a rare poke from Turner and a second for Pacheco.
A mere goal behind, the Super A’s pushed forward seeking an equaliser, perhaps even an improbable victory. Unfortunately, the team’s thirst for onion left them vulnerable at the rear, as 5IVE cemented their lead with three more strikes.
“A valiant effort, but it wasn’t to be,” a dejected Kimberley told reporters gathered outside the stadium after the match, as the player dubbed “Birmingham Molby” drove off in his souped-up, luxury Montego Estate.
Sporting Apostrophes lie eighth in the table: their dreams of promotion, whilst mathematically possible, appear as distant as an interplanetary Rory Delap throw-in. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-7
Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Turner (1).