Match Report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Minety
“Wessely is dispatched to the sin-bin by referee Chris Griffin”
Sunday’s ill-tempered match against Minety ended in a disappointing loss for the world’s favourite football team.
“They’re rotten pigs, that’s what they are!” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, incensed by the gamesmanship and ungentlemanly conduct employed by Sporting Apostrophes’ opponents. “Worse still, Minety take their name from a filthy, gypsy village in Wiltshire! Honestly, it makes me sick from my testes to my stomach – more commonly known as my abdomen.”
A familiar line-up of internationally renowned “Apostrophes Galacticos” graced the astroturf, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Making his landmark 30th appearance, and his first of season V, McInerney appeared first from the tunnel to rapturous applause. The aging striker was joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his reduced scoring rate a cause for concern on the terraces. Midfield wizards Wessely and Turner soon followed, accompanied by Hinceman, the “Leaning Tower of Shoreditch” eager to add to his wonder-strike, a fussballblitzkreigstürmer scored in his previous match. Recent signing Correa came next, his goal-a-game form adding some much needed firepower to the squad, with Hawkins, at the rear, completing the magnificent septet.
Referee Chris Griffin started proceedings with a confident “toot!” of his whistle. Sporting Apostrophes immediately surged forward, the irresistible odeur de oignon like a red flag to a büll with an unnecessary umlaut. Farnsworth drew first blood, a trademark cannon from an improbable distance. With the fans’ cheers still echoing around the stadium, Minety equalised, an uncharacteristic error from “Handsheath” Hawkins. Bullish, steamroller manball from Hinceman and Correa kept the scores at one apiece, as Turner and Wessely added hundreds-and-thousands by the handful.
Fans expectations for the second half were sky high, but the Apostrophes, faced with unsporting, undignified behaviour from their opponents, looked unlikely to sup at the fountain of victory. Their Achilles heel, stamina, proved their undoing for the umpteenth time, as Minety took full advantage, adding another three onion bag violations without reply.
“This is a terrible injustice!” Wessely protested, with liberal use of swear words thrown in for good measure.
“It’s the Bin of Sin for you son!” replied the referee, exerting his Fritzl-like authority with considerable panache.
A player down and three goals behind, Sporting Apostrophes left the field at the end of the match ruing chances missed and the curse of poor stamina. A terrible injustice!
Score: 1-4
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).