Sporting Apostrophes

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Kimberley pushes his body to the limit in his quest for division I football”

Sunday’s thrill-a-minute encounter with old rivals Real So So Bad ended in a narrow 5-4 reverse for the world’s favourite football team.

“We put in a great performance, and, with a 4-2 lead, we could well have won it,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Their superior stamina was the deciding factor, but full credit to the boys, it’s the closest we’ve ever come to taking points off them.”

Goal-machine Farnsworth made a welcome return to the starting line-up, making his first appearance of the season. Hand sheath specialist Hawkins joined him, accompanied by Wessely, who chose to wear his white shirt once again in protest at Shaw Tyre and Exhaust’s lack of funding. Kimberley followed, shoulders slumped, his enthusiasm for division II football at a low ebb following his cameo appearance for One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net. Debutants Correa and Pacheco completed the Super A’s line-up, as the capacity crowd, in full voice, greeted the start of the first half.

Correa drew first blood within a minute, a sublime volley past the off guard ‘keeper.

“Hurrah!” shouted the home fans, justifiably.

“Traction!” retorted the infidels in the away end, as Real So So Bad added mayonnaise to the sandwich.

Sporting Apostrophes conceded another, despite some staunch defending by Kimberley. Wessely’s tireless running, aided by some sublime fustal skills from Pacheco, setup “guarantee” Farnsworth for the equaliser, before the referee blew his whistle, bringing the first half to an end.

The Super A’s dominated the first 10 minutes of the second half. Correa’s driving, powerful play was rewarded with another onion bag violation, whilst Farnsworth completed his brace with an astonishing shot, delivered from his own half, it’s journey akin to a meteorite destined for Planet Onion.

With the Apostrophes 4-2 to the good, fans expected a famous victory, but the team’s tired legs and vulnerability to counter-attacks proved their undoing, as Real So So Bad delivered punishment thrice more, despite some energetic man-flinging from the irrepressible Hawkins.

The Sporting Apostrophes team bus deposited the players at a local hostelry for post-match drinks, their passion undiminished, their epic, Oprah appetite for onion still burning like a Jesus Zippo with perma-wick. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley, Pacheco, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (2).

IT’S A THRILLING DOUBLE-HEADER!

Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 31st May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Sporting Apostrophes vs Chosen Men
3pm kick-off, Sunday 31st May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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Stickland’s flinging bringing singing from the fans

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion were dealt a savage blow by Green Park, who strolled to a convincing 9-1 victory in Sunday’s division II match.

“Smells like Teen Spirit? Stinks more like geriatric onion!” raged chairman Ernest Borgnine, his confidence shattered by the heavy defeat. “The boys played well, but without a proven goal scorer on the pitch it was always going to be a challenge.”

Fans on the terraces showed their appreciation for Turner, his long-term injury and winter sports fever having limited his appearances in recent months. Stickland’s sheath wizardry also drew praise, on what proved to be a difficult day for the world’s favourite team. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-9
Squad: Apostolov, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Kimberley (1).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 24th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Wessely’s shoulder: defrosted and back to its best”

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth encounter with old rivals Team Wang resulted in an emphatic victory for the world’s favourite football team.

“I promised new signings, I delivered new signings!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eyes still watering from the influx of onion. “One wonders, could Farnsworth’s record of 24 goals be under threat so soon?”

The Super A’s first fixture of season V, following the previous week’s postponement, featured an eye-popping array of new signings, all eager to do justice to the famous yellow jersey. Brun, from Italy; Canadian Hannigan-Daley; the unknown Chan: fans were agog at this incredible injection of new blood into the team. The debutants were joined by Apostolov, Hawkins and Lissimore, and, to the delight of the capacity crowd, midfield maestro Wessely, fully recovered from his long-term injury.

Apprehensive, tentative, probing: the Apostrophes’ incredible new line-up took just minutes to form, as an Eskimo’s jelly solidifies rapidly in the land of the midnight sun. A stunning drive from Hannigan-Daley opened the team’s account. Team Wang responded with a fortunate long-range effort, before Sporting’s onion monsoon descended. Referee Candy watched from the sidelines, awe-struck, as Wang’s onion bag was violated again and again by Brun and Hannigan-Daley. Wang offered little in response, their sole effort a penalty saved by “adhesive digits” Hawkins, before the half time whistle blew with the team boasting an astonishing 7-1 advantage.

With such a commanding lead, it was inevitable that the team’s appetite for onion would be diminished. Sporting Apostrophes’ post-coital, tippy-tappy deliciousness brought cheers from the crowd, but their most vocal praise was saved for Wessely, who, back from injury, performed with tremendous energy, instructing the new recruits on the intricacies of Powerleague and the necessity of defending, aided by the ever-reliable Lissimore.

Further violations from Brun, Hannigan-Daley and Wessely added to Sporting Apostrophes’ record-breaking tally, with Wang adding another two, leaving the referee to bring an end to proceedings with the score at 10-3 to the Super A’s.

Sporting Apostrophes historic 50th match ended in a well-deserved victory, but the shortage of yellow shirts and the ongoing sponsorship saga remain a source of considerable irritation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 10-3
Squad: Apostolov, Brun, Chan, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Brun (5), Hannigan-Daley (4), Wessely (1).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 17th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 10th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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