Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley, McInerney and Hinceman deploy their famous goal celebration dubbed ‘touch no evil, smell some evil, pray for evil’. It’s origins can be traced back to the Godless ‘Onion Ages’.”

Like the primal scream of a motherless Aborigine, Sporting Apostrophes’ anguish pierced the hearts of despondent fans, as the team fell to their sixth successive defeat in Sunday’s encounter with Team Wang.

“We’re like a snowman in the desert – nothing but carrot and coal” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine, following yet another Super A’s mauling. “With a sponsor in liquidation and a threadbare squad divided by the colours blue and yellow, one can’t help but wonder whether we’ll make it to season V.”

A predictably slimline Sporting Apostrophes line-up took to the field, the smell of substitutes as distant and intangible as a spider’s fart. McInerney returned for his third consecutive appearance, along with Hinceman, making his landmark 25th appearance for the world famous club. The long-suffering Hawkins and Kimberley soon followed, joined by loan signing Apostolov, eager to demonstrate his Bulgarian flair to the capacity crowd.

New referee Spike Lee was tasked with officiating a “Super A’s Classico” on his debut: an incredible privilege, an unforgettable experience that will surely last a lifetime. His nerves were evident by his preoccupation with untied laces, and his curious assertion that one must blow for head height lower than a midget’s pubes, but these minor details could not detract from his youthful, whistle-blowing exuberance.

The first slice was removed from the oven prematurely, as the Super A’s found themselves choking on enemy onion after just five minutes.

“Please, we implore you, take the game to them!” cried the impatient fans.

Sporting Apostrophes’ unfamiliar ingredients made for an uncomfortable ensemble, and, with no condiments, relish was in short supply, leaving the team trailing by four goals at half time.

The second slice was more mature, more flavoursome, but still, the fans’ appetite for onion was not satiated adequately. A tidy brace from McInerney and a few well executed fouls from Hinceman were the only cause for muted celebration, progressing to covert onanism, as referee Spike Lee brought the game to its inevitable conclusion with the Apostrophes trailing 8-2.

The Super A’s languish at the bottom of division II, their promotion campaign in ruins. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-8
Squad: Apostolov, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (2).