Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
“Turner’s limbs are even darker than the team’s prospects this season”
A hailstorm of low denomination coins and discarded season tickets rained down upon the Apostrophes legends following Sunday’s debacle against U.B.O.C.
“Oh, good God, can we get any worse?” wondered chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a comedy of errors. We’re the laughing stock of this division, but I have to be positive. Onwards and upwards, like a penis-pink toboggan travelling in reverse, that’s what I say.”
The driving rain was enough to darken the mood of the hardiest of homosapiens, but the Super A’s, being the creamiest, most handsome examples of their species, were unfazed by Mother Nature’s incontinence.
Hawkins, carrying a dangerous “lesbian shoulder” injury, took to the field, with the diminutive Kimberley on his shoulders. Next came Hinceman, a newly shorn McInerney just visible in his giant hands.
“What is this madness?” wondered the fans.
“I get it, I get it!” cried one particularly astute fan, who proceeded to explain his theory to his peers. “They’re taking to the field in order of appearances, but as some players are tied in this respect, they’re morally obliged to grace the astroturf simultaneously!”
The quartet were immediately followed by Turner, his 22 appearances just shy of Hinceman and McInerney’s tally of 23. Next came Wessely, just one match behind, with Lissimore having amassed a very respectable 17 since his debut last July.
From start to finish, the match was a sphincter-wrenching carousel of chopped onion, to the dismay of the capacity crowd. Sporting Apostrophes appeared listless; confused; like a man without the tear-jerking power of onion in his soul. U.B.O.C. took full advantage, as they raped and pillaged, feasting on the vulnerability of the Apostrophes.
Referee John Candy ended the onslaught with his gristle whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their luxurious changing facilities, dejected and beaten, dazed and confused.
“15 goals!” sighed one tearful fan upon leaving the stadium. “That’s even more vicious than the recipe dealt to us by the chocolate tsunami off Oceans 11, and I’ll be buggered if U.B.O.C. are anywhere near that level.”
Sporting Apostrophes reach the halfway point of season IV with little to celebrate: a poor points haul, negative goal difference and a sponsor in liquidation. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-15
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (1) plus one own goal by U.B.O.C.
This must be a library photo as Turner is wearing yellow.
And my head seems to be stuck on a female body – but lets not get too picky
I’m sorry to say it, but you have shit tits. I’m sorry, but there it is.
Yeah, abysmal – your “moobs” outdo me without question