Sporting Apostrophes

“McInerney sports a black armband in remembrance of Jade Goody, whose incredible life was worth more than Jesus, Mother Theresa, Christopher Reeve and Jan Molby combined.”

The bittersweet smell of sautéed onions was carried far, far away by the wind following Sporting Apostrophes’ sixth loss of the season at the hands of Dynamo Kebab. Like a photocopier bereft of toner, the Super A’s paper tray was yet again a barren, lonely place, the subject of much ridicule and shame.

“We played some good football, but, light on players yet again, we struggled to deploy our lethal inverse diamond W-M-M-W 2-1-1 wing-back, man-in-the-hole formation” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his patience, like the seat of his trousers, wearing very, very thin. “Some blame the blue shirt, but it goes deeper than that. As the old saying goes, ‘He who tires of onion, tires of life’.”

With McInerney stuck in traffic, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half with an abbreviated line-up, a slender, Karen Carpenter formation consisting of Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins and Turner. Dynamo Kebab made the most of their numerical advantage, violating the Super A’s onion bag like a Rotherhithe cab driver. Bonell responded almost immediately, before McInerney took to the field with the scores level.

“Punish them!” screamed the fans, traumatised by the Apostrophes disappointing league position.

With the fans encouragement ringing in their ears, Sporting Apostrophes took their opponents on the footballing equivalent of a rendition flight, using every method of punishment available in their considerable arsenal. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough, leaving the teams to end the first half with Dynamo having a lead no larger than Ronnie Corbett’s smaller brother.

Referee John Candy commenced the second half with the Super A’s in determined mood, resulting in an immediate violation and the succulent aroma of onion, addictive like heroin, moreish as a rich tea biscuit. The capacity crowd expected, nay, demanded the victory which seemed inevitable, but their screams were silenced by a savage foul on Turner.

“Poobiscuits and venom!” sighed the crowd, knowing full well that the substitutes bench was as lonely as Wordsworth’s cloud.

Down to four men for the umpteenth time, Sporting Apostrophes fought bravely, but it wasn’t enough, as Dynamo Kebab ran out 6-4 winners, their first victory against the world’s favourite team following three previous defeats.

A mere point from the bottom of the table and suffering a threadbare squad, Sporting Apostrophes prospects for the second half of season IV remain bleak. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (2), Farnsworth (1), Turner (1).