Yes, It’s another double-header Super Sunday!
1pm and 2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 5th April 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“McInerney sports a black armband in remembrance of Jade Goody, whose incredible life was worth more than Jesus, Mother Theresa, Christopher Reeve and Jan Molby combined.”
The bittersweet smell of sautéed onions was carried far, far away by the wind following Sporting Apostrophes’ sixth loss of the season at the hands of Dynamo Kebab. Like a photocopier bereft of toner, the Super A’s paper tray was yet again a barren, lonely place, the subject of much ridicule and shame.
“We played some good football, but, light on players yet again, we struggled to deploy our lethal inverse diamond W-M-M-W 2-1-1 wing-back, man-in-the-hole formation” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his patience, like the seat of his trousers, wearing very, very thin. “Some blame the blue shirt, but it goes deeper than that. As the old saying goes, ‘He who tires of onion, tires of life’.”
With McInerney stuck in traffic, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half with an abbreviated line-up, a slender, Karen Carpenter formation consisting of Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins and Turner. Dynamo Kebab made the most of their numerical advantage, violating the Super A’s onion bag like a Rotherhithe cab driver. Bonell responded almost immediately, before McInerney took to the field with the scores level.
“Punish them!” screamed the fans, traumatised by the Apostrophes disappointing league position.
With the fans encouragement ringing in their ears, Sporting Apostrophes took their opponents on the footballing equivalent of a rendition flight, using every method of punishment available in their considerable arsenal. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough, leaving the teams to end the first half with Dynamo having a lead no larger than Ronnie Corbett’s smaller brother.
Referee John Candy commenced the second half with the Super A’s in determined mood, resulting in an immediate violation and the succulent aroma of onion, addictive like heroin, moreish as a rich tea biscuit. The capacity crowd expected, nay, demanded the victory which seemed inevitable, but their screams were silenced by a savage foul on Turner.
“Poobiscuits and venom!” sighed the crowd, knowing full well that the substitutes bench was as lonely as Wordsworth’s cloud.
Down to four men for the umpteenth time, Sporting Apostrophes fought bravely, but it wasn’t enough, as Dynamo Kebab ran out 6-4 winners, their first victory against the world’s favourite team following three previous defeats.
A mere point from the bottom of the table and suffering a threadbare squad, Sporting Apostrophes prospects for the second half of season IV remain bleak. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (2), Farnsworth (1), Turner (1).
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 29th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Referee John Candy appears nonplussed by Cameo’s erection during last Sunday’s 18-2 multi-manrape”
One Flew Into The Keepers Net are under investigation by Powerleague administrators following Cameo’s cameo for the Super A’s last Sunday.
“It’s no different to the Tevez saga. If One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net get promoted we deserve compensation,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, applying confused logic to the situation. “Right, so he isn’t actually our player, and we pretty much begged him to play, but still, there’s something fishy about this, and it’s not the smell of Irn Bru.”
Referee John Candy’s match notes, handwritten in chicken fat, make no mention of Cameo’s moonlighting, sparking rumours of favouritism.
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd March 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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A depleted Super A’s line-up suffered a heavy defeat at the hands of promotion candidates El Paso in Sunday’s division II encounter.
“Credit to the boys for trying, but with the numerical disadvantage it was always going to be brutal,” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match radio interview. “One can’t help but wonder whether this new kit is cursed – we’ve yet to win since its debut four matches ago.”
Sporting Apostrophes’ two goals came courtesy of Cameo, on loan from table-toppers One Flew Into The Keepers Net.
After two dreadful results, where now for the world famous Super A’s?. The team’s goal difference has plummeted from zero to minus twenty eight in just two matches. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-18
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Lissimore, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Cameo (2).
“Borgnine, Bono and Bonell sip onion juice and talk about very important things”
Sporting Apostrophes’ “Player Aid” was officially launched today amid a blaze of publicity. With just four confirmed players for next Sunday’s clash with El Paso, this high-profile campaign aims to ensure the world’s favourite team fields a minimum of five players.
“I’m tired of the Africans moaning, and I’m up to my Phil Collins in so-called ‘green issues’ and this carbon nonsense that’s poisoning the orphans,” raved Bono, a life-long Super A’s fan. “Marvin Gaye was right: this world truly is a Great Big Onion, and the only thing that can keep it in orbit is some sweet, tippy-tappy goodness from the Apostrophes.”
Lend your support to this worthy campaign by nominating yourself for greatness next Sunday!
“Turner’s limbs are even darker than the team’s prospects this season”
A hailstorm of low denomination coins and discarded season tickets rained down upon the Apostrophes legends following Sunday’s debacle against U.B.O.C.
“Oh, good God, can we get any worse?” wondered chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a comedy of errors. We’re the laughing stock of this division, but I have to be positive. Onwards and upwards, like a penis-pink toboggan travelling in reverse, that’s what I say.”
The driving rain was enough to darken the mood of the hardiest of homosapiens, but the Super A’s, being the creamiest, most handsome examples of their species, were unfazed by Mother Nature’s incontinence.
Hawkins, carrying a dangerous “lesbian shoulder” injury, took to the field, with the diminutive Kimberley on his shoulders. Next came Hinceman, a newly shorn McInerney just visible in his giant hands.
“What is this madness?” wondered the fans.
“I get it, I get it!” cried one particularly astute fan, who proceeded to explain his theory to his peers. “They’re taking to the field in order of appearances, but as some players are tied in this respect, they’re morally obliged to grace the astroturf simultaneously!”
The quartet were immediately followed by Turner, his 22 appearances just shy of Hinceman and McInerney’s tally of 23. Next came Wessely, just one match behind, with Lissimore having amassed a very respectable 17 since his debut last July.
From start to finish, the match was a sphincter-wrenching carousel of chopped onion, to the dismay of the capacity crowd. Sporting Apostrophes appeared listless; confused; like a man without the tear-jerking power of onion in his soul. U.B.O.C. took full advantage, as they raped and pillaged, feasting on the vulnerability of the Apostrophes.
Referee John Candy ended the onslaught with his gristle whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their luxurious changing facilities, dejected and beaten, dazed and confused.
“15 goals!” sighed one tearful fan upon leaving the stadium. “That’s even more vicious than the recipe dealt to us by the chocolate tsunami off Oceans 11, and I’ll be buggered if U.B.O.C. are anywhere near that level.”
Sporting Apostrophes reach the halfway point of season IV with little to celebrate: a poor points haul, negative goal difference and a sponsor in liquidation. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-15
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (1) plus one own goal by U.B.O.C.
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 15th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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3pm kick-off, Sunday 8th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Hawkins’ poor performance leaves fans questioning his sanity”
The Super A’s quaffed at the filthy trough of defeat once again, succumbing to a 8-5 defeat at the hands of Real So So Bad.
“Unbelievable!” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, frustrated at the team’s lack of progress. “Real So So Bad are the most feminine, delicate, she-weakling team of man-boys in the league, and we let them beat us again! What’s that all about, eh?” he questioned, circling the assembled press, his dukes aloft, primed for combat, goading, willing them to attack, longing for the blood of an innocent to cleanse the innumerable sins from his black soul.
Wearing their flattering blue jerseys for only the second team, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with a predictably handsome line-up consisting of Hawkins, “terrorist” Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, making his first appearance of the season, and Turner, back from promotional duties in the far east (Stratford).
John Candy, blessed with the privilege of officiating the Apostrophes for the second week in a row, enjoyed a delicious spectacle of home cooked football from the first whistle. A flurry of delicate, souffle passing was digested with all the vim and vigour it warranted, culminating in a Michelin Starred onion bag violation from Hinceman. The Super A’s were soon three goals to the good, leaving a flummoxed Real So So Bad chasing thin air, like a watery, French onion soup made in a special school home economics class.
Part deux was a gastronomic catastrophy of epic proportions, a sickening concoction from the worst third world kitchen. Hawkins’ Yorkshire pudding remained lank, sunken, pathetic; an unseemly spectacle for a sheathmaster general. Too many cooks made light work of the rolling moss, leaving fans to question the team’s commitment, tactics, and even more worryingly, hair styles in some cases.
Sporting Apostrophes ability to defend a lead is still notable by its absence. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-8
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Hinceman (2), Kimberley (1), Turner (1).