Sporting Apostrophes

“Hinceman’s tackling is as effective as it is unorthodox”

It was all square for the Apostrophes in Sunday’s full-bloodied encounter with old rivals Green Park.

“We should have taken all three points” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eagerness to please Sadlier-Ward evident by the erection protruding from his trousers. “It’s imperative that we beat last season’s tally of ten points in the first half of the season – we’ll need a minimum of four points from the next two games to do so.”

Hawkins and Kimberley, sporting the Super A’s brand new jersey, took to the field to much hand-clappy applause for the team’s historic 40th match. Midfield “wizard” Wessely waltzed behind them, as Lissimore appeared, willing and unsheathed. Hinceman, the “Beast from Baltimore” soon followed, accompanied by Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for onion causing him to foam at the mouth like a rabies-ridden chihuahua.

“Curse the record-breaking speed of your violation!” cried supporters in unison, as Sporting Apostrophes went a goal down within the first ten seconds.

Like a wounded animal, Sporting Apostrophes fought back, baring tooth and claw. A pair of sumptuous onion bag violations were delivered by the ever-reliable “terrorist” Farnsworth and Wessley, giving the Super A’s the deserved lead that God and Mother Nature intended. The fans cried for more, as the team tried to prise more opportunities from their thuggish opponents.

“Punish them!” roared the fans, but the smell of onion was a distant, imprecise Xerox of the bonafide goalmouth aroma.

Referee John Candy pursed his curiously feminine lips and blew hard on his whistle to mark the end of Part Un, with the world famous Apostrophes defending a 2-1 lead.

The second half was an aggressive, angry affair – a departure from the Apostrophes’ usual sexball so beloved of supporters. Despite leading on a number of occasions, the Super A’s found themselves 5-4 down, thanks to a combination of waning stamina and incredibly poor judgment.

“Cease the injustice!” Farnsworth shouted, as he fired the ball into Green Park’s net, completing his fourth hat-trick of the season and sparing the team’s blushes.

With the scores level at 5-5, John Candy blew hard on his whistle once more, leaving the Super A’s to reflect upon wasted chances and the ghost of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Wessely (2).