“Kimberley turns on the Chelmsley style”
Sporting Apostrophes’ new squad numbers for season IV:
1. Hawkins
2. Turner
3. Stickland
4. Wessely
7. Farnsworth
8. Bonell
9. McInerney
10. Lissimore
14. Kimberley
16. Hinceman
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 1st March 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
“Hinceman’s tackling is as effective as it is unorthodox”
It was all square for the Apostrophes in Sunday’s full-bloodied encounter with old rivals Green Park.
“We should have taken all three points” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eagerness to please Sadlier-Ward evident by the erection protruding from his trousers. “It’s imperative that we beat last season’s tally of ten points in the first half of the season – we’ll need a minimum of four points from the next two games to do so.”
Hawkins and Kimberley, sporting the Super A’s brand new jersey, took to the field to much hand-clappy applause for the team’s historic 40th match. Midfield “wizard” Wessely waltzed behind them, as Lissimore appeared, willing and unsheathed. Hinceman, the “Beast from Baltimore” soon followed, accompanied by Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for onion causing him to foam at the mouth like a rabies-ridden chihuahua.
“Curse the record-breaking speed of your violation!” cried supporters in unison, as Sporting Apostrophes went a goal down within the first ten seconds.
Like a wounded animal, Sporting Apostrophes fought back, baring tooth and claw. A pair of sumptuous onion bag violations were delivered by the ever-reliable “terrorist” Farnsworth and Wessley, giving the Super A’s the deserved lead that God and Mother Nature intended. The fans cried for more, as the team tried to prise more opportunities from their thuggish opponents.
“Punish them!” roared the fans, but the smell of onion was a distant, imprecise Xerox of the bonafide goalmouth aroma.
Referee John Candy pursed his curiously feminine lips and blew hard on his whistle to mark the end of Part Un, with the world famous Apostrophes defending a 2-1 lead.
The second half was an aggressive, angry affair – a departure from the Apostrophes’ usual sexball so beloved of supporters. Despite leading on a number of occasions, the Super A’s found themselves 5-4 down, thanks to a combination of waning stamina and incredibly poor judgment.
“Cease the injustice!” Farnsworth shouted, as he fired the ball into Green Park’s net, completing his fourth hat-trick of the season and sparing the team’s blushes.
With the scores level at 5-5, John Candy blew hard on his whistle once more, leaving the Super A’s to reflect upon wasted chances and the ghost of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Wessely (2).
McInerney and Jamiroquai present the definitive guide to standing still, goal scoring and jazz funk. Topics include:
Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd February 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
“Farnsworth completes his astonishing halfdozerlation (A.K.A. double hat trick) in style”
Sunday’s thrilling match against Team Wang ended in a resounding victory for the Super A’s.
“A fantastic win – the perfect way to celebrate our new sponsorship deal!” chairman Ernest Borgnine enthused, despite ongoing rumours that Sadlier-Ward have entered administration. “Farnsworth’s incredible, record-breaking 6-goal haul was the Smarties, hundreds and thousands, egg, bacon, fillet steak, whipped cream and icing on the surprisingly savoury cake.”
Sporting Apostrophes’ latest emphatic victory leaves them entrenched in fourth spot, denying them the promotion spot that is theirs by divine right. A terrible injustice!
Score: 9-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), McInerney (1) + own goals (2).
“Borgnine puts pen to paper on the historic sponsorship deal, which includes image rights for Farnsworth, Wessely and Hawkins”
Sadlier-Ward, the Kent-based building contractor, has become Sporting Apostrophes’ official shirt sponsor in a multi-million pound, one-season deal.
“We are in difficult economic times, catastrophic some might say, but this deal shows that there are still deals to be done,” chairman Ernest Borgnine told Super A’s TV. “It’s not to say that football is not going to be impacted by that. But if you can combine the strength of a brand like Sporting Apostrophes and a company like Sadlier-Ward, then you have got a winning, almost sexual combination.”
Sadlier-Ward, a household name thanks to the many buildings they’ve been contracted to work on, announced the deal at a press conference attended by Borgnine, Hawkins, Wessely and FIFPro World Player of the Year, Farnsworth.
“We’re delighted to welcome such a prestigious partner as Sadlier-Ward to Sporting Apostrophes,” added Borgnine. “Their reputation for excellence and innovation and really big building contracts makes them a fitting and exciting sponsor. Kimberley is well known as a lover of buildings, Kent and really big contracts – now we have a partner that shares his passion!”
Jean-Claude Maidstone, chief executive of Sadlier-Ward, said, “We’re very proud to be the official shirt sponsor of the most prestigious football club in the world.”
Fans have expressed concern at Sadlier-Ward’s insistence that the “super yellows” wear a blue strip, but Borgnine remains convinced that both players and fans alike will be thrilled to wear the new jersey.
“The new shirt pays ample respect to Sporting Apostrophes’ long heritage by way of three golden stripes, approximately one for each season the team wore yellow. Two red stripes also appear, as a reminder of the famous red bibs the team wore during their historic first season. The shirt also sports a crest of some sort on the left breast, but we’re not really sure what it means yet.”
3pm kick-off, Sunday 15th February 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
“McInerney mumbles and Wessely tumbles in Sunday’s physical encounter”
Sunday’s full-blooded encounter with old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net resulted in a 8-4 reverse for the world’s most handsome football team.
Chairman Ernest Borgnine made his feelings clear at the post match press conference.
“We’ve played them four times and gifted them twelve points,” he complained, his dissatisfaction made clear by the erection protruding from his trousers. “How can a team of heroin-addled, Irn Bru-loving Jocks punish us so savagely? Heads will roll for this.”
Sporting Apostrophes fielded a predictably strong line-up, despite the absence of “terrorist” Farnsworth and “leisure time” Turner. Hawkins resumed his love affair with the sheathes, with Lissimore taking a firm grasp on the sweeper’s broom of doom. Old boy Bonell returned to the field alongside Hinceman and Wessley, creating a midfield tricycle of footballing genius. Kimberley and McInerney led from the front, a devastating combination of age and senility.
“Bum Maltesers!” exclaimed the fans in unison, as One Flew Into The Keepers Net drew first blood almost immediately.
“Ringpiece Revels!” they wept, as another onion bag violation arrived seconds later.
“Creme Eggs authored by the sphincter of a grown man!” they sobbed in astonishment, as within 90 seconds of the kick-off their beloved Super A’s were three goals down.
Angry, aroused, determined and handsome, Sporting Apostrophes responded, eager to show the sinister foreigners their superior footballing recipes. Two fine dumplings were promptly served courtesy of Wessley, as the team began to assert themselves upon the match. The jocks delivered another cruel blow, as the referee, hungry as an orphan gymnast, blew hard on his whistle, signifying the end of the first half.
Part deux – Blood and Thunder – and how! Sporting Apostrophes ran amok, chasing the pigs bladder with venom. “steamroller” Hinceman caused chaos, creating room for Wessely to supply wonderballs up top. The tired, old phrase beloved of many a television pundit – “chances make violations” – was rarely so apt. McInerney pounced, a typical poacher’s goal. Hinceman charged, rhino-like, forcing the ball into the onion bag with nothing but will power and the American Way.
A mere goal behind at one point, the smell of stalemate was almost as overpowering as eau de victoire. A string of valiant saves by Hawkins kept the team in the match, and, with Lissimore pinging the sphere like a hypnotised, tischtennis Chinaman via Kimberlely, the famous yellows delivered aplenty. However, Old Lady Tiredness waltzed with Keith Fatigue once more, as the accelerator of success was hampered by the handbrake of arse biscuits.
“Damnation!” cursed the fans, as once more, Sporting Apostrophes failed to capitalise upon the myriad chances served to them, as the game concluded with yet another stinking defeat.
With just three points from nine, the Super A’s quest for promotion takes another body blow, with a cheeky uppercut for good measure. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-8
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Wessely.
Goals: Hinceman (1), McInerney (1), Wessely (2).
“The team go through a punishing fitness regime before Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Lissimore, Kimberley, McInerney, Hawkins, Hinceman, Wessely, Stickland.”
The world famous Super A’s will field the following legends for Sunday’s fixture against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net:
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Wessely
With “terrorist” Farnsworth absent, McInerney and Kimberley have a golden opportunity to prove their value to the Apostrophes faithful by delivering a flurry of violations. Can they supply the vicious, penetrating ballpokes the fans crave?
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 8th February 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.