Sporting Apostrophes

“The team’s unique ‘never make eye contact’ tactic fails them once again. Left to right: Kimberley, O’Hara, Wessely, Lissimore”

For the second time this season, the grenade-like suppository of defeat was inserted firmly into Sporting Apostrophes’ anus by Real So So Bad, a full nine inches with a stereo response (commonly known as 9-2).

“How do I explain this result to potential sponsors?” asked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the regular post-match manscaping. “We were 1-0 up for the first ten minutes but lose 9-2!? The long, accusatory, penetrating finger of blame will be inserted into many a player, that’s for sure.”

A crisp winter’s day greeted the Apostrophes legends as they galloped forth from the tunnel in their famous yellow jerseys. The capacity crowd of genuine, real life fans roared their approval as the attacking pairing of “guarantee” Farnsworth and Kimberley appeared, followed by midfield maestros O’Hara and Wessely. A handsheathed Hawkins joined them, with sweeper Lissimore at the rear, the pair scheduled to change roles in the second half.

Sporting Apostrophes kicked off their landmark 30th match cautiously, the memory of their previous defeat at the hands of Real So So Bad still painful. Against the run of play, the Super A’s drew first blood, a trademark cannon from Farnsworth. Wounded like a bumraped badger, their opponents pressed forward, eager to make amends.

“Poo biscuits!” yelled Hawkins, as the ball violated his coveted onion bag to level the scores, a cruel deflection off Wessely. Real So So Bad added another, a terribly unjust tap-in following a heroic save from Hawkins.

“Violate them!” cried the partizan crowd, the aromatic aroma of victory having been replaced by the sickening scent of defeat in a matter of seconds. Farnsworth responded, unleashing a fearsome shot into the top corner, as the referee blew the whistle for half time, denying him the equaliser that was his by divine right. Ignoring the Apostrophes remonstrations, the referee left the field for his ritual defecation, unaffected by the chorus of boos from the crowd.

The second half was a miserable affair for the world’s favourite team. Real scored a flurry of goals in the first few minutes, as the Apostrophes, frustrated by their lack of opportunities, adopted a more physical approach with limited success. Kimberley and Wessely’s best efforts couldn’t beat Real’s in-form ‘keeper, and each attack prompted a vicious counter. An energetic display from O’Hara and commendable performances from Lissimore and Hawkins were simply not enough, the only consolation being a second goal for “guarantee” Farnsworth, his 16th of the season.

The shrill, unwelcome sound of the referee’s whistle brought the match to an end, a disappointing 9-2 loss for Sporting Apostrophes, who remain 5th in the division II table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-9
Squad: Farnsworth, O’Hara, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2).