Sporting Apostrophes

“Farnsworth congratulates Kimberley on his stereo onion bag violations”

Sporting Apostrophes unlikely promotion campaign took a sizable step forward thanks to a well earned three points from yesterday’s match against Dynamo Kebab.

“I’m very pleased with the win, but we need to start scoring more goals if we’re to gain the promotion that is ours by divine right,” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match charity luge-off. “The next match against Real So So Bad is critical – we can’t afford to drop any more points.”

The Super A’s cascaded onto the astroturf like an athletic deck of cards, unleashed from their cellophane prison to rapturous applause. Farnsworth appeared first, eager to add to his incredible 10-in-5 goal tally, followed by Kimberley, who, having scored in all but one of his appearances this season, has finally hit top form. Lissimore joined them, the on-off sheathmaster, full-time yeast-hater determined to impress. Returning from their promotional tour of Berlin, Hawkins, Hinceman and McInerney completed the Apostrophes line-up, their alcohol injuries a distant-but-painful memory.

Within seconds of referee Morgan Tsvangirai’s whistle, Sporting Apostrophes were a goal down thanks to some haphazard defending by Hawkins, deployed as an outfield player for the first half.

“What can I say? My naked, sheathless hands longed to covet the ball, like a child covets the warm, generous testicles of a dinosaur. I was dazed and confused,” he protested, after the ball had ricocheted off his calf into the top corner of Lissimore’s goal.

With the roar of the non-fictional Grammar End behind them, Sporting Apostrophes soon equalised thanks to some delicious tippy-tappy-tip-tap-bang concluded by Kimberley. A sequence of onion bag violations from “guarantee” Farnsworth and McInerney brought tears to the eyes of Dynamo Kebab, as the Super A’s wreaked havok with their fluid, passing sexball. The onslaught continued until the authoritarian, angry lips of Tsvangirai attached themselves to his whistle, a 90-second blow denoting the end of the first half, leaving the team to retire to their changing boudoir with the score at 6-4.

Lissimore handed the sheathes to Hawkins as Dynamo Kebab kicked off the second half. Sporting Apostrophes were compelled to defend almost immediately as Dynamo pushed forward, eager to make up the 2-goal deficit. Hinceman’s energetic running, combined with some disciplined defending by Lissimore, thwarted the infidels’ attacks. Up top, Farnsworth, Kimberley and McInerney titillated the partizan crowd with their unique 3-in-a-bed attacking sandwich, their offensive buffet proving too much for Dynamo’s hapless sheath enthusiast.

The Super A’s prodded, probed and intruded their opponents, eager to reach an historic 10-goal milestone, but the unforgiving whistle of Tsvangirai sounded once more with the score at 9-6. A terrible injustice!

Score: 9-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), McInerney (3), Kimberley (2).