Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley takes full advantage of the adverse weather conditions”

For the third time this season, Sporting Apostrophes suffered the bitter taste of defeat in Sunday’s rain-drenched encounter with promotion rivals It’s Back.

“Rain! It’s like waterpoison from the sky!” raged chariman Ernest Borgnine, his uncontrollable fury making him spontaneously urinate, bringing tears to the eyes of loyal fans. “We leave the desert of Old Street, only to find ourselves in a footballing Atlantis!”

The Super A’s “Galacticos” sauntered from the tunnel to be greeted by torrential rain and a sodden, unwilling pitch. Mother Nature herself, against the will of God and the Holy Spirit of Christopher Reeve, had conspired to nullify the Apstrophes’ fluid, passing football.

“Curse thee!” shouted Hawkins, extending his sheathed middle finger to the sky, a sight so magnificent the sun retreated further still, it’s fear evident to anyone equipped with the most rudimentary astronomy skills.

In defiance of the unjust weather conditions, the team proceeded to perform their patented warm-up routine, a complicated blend of pilates, golf and Esperanto, the team’s official tactical language. Lissimore and Hinceman, masters of the technique, concluded their session with an astonishing double somersault, proving they were ready in mind, body and bowel. Turner’s “Outback Moonwalk” soon followed, as Wessely’s “East End Shuffle” reached its apex. “guarantee” Farnworth’s northern soul forbids such outbursts, but his menacing golf swing brought gasps from the capacity crowd. Hawkins, floating above the pitch propelled by the power of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best”, was transfixed, as though in a world of his own, his mind focused like a pornographer’s camera. At the rear, Kimberley’s attempt at a solitary push-up brought respectful applause from the die-hard Grammaticals.

The first half was a tense affair as the two teams probed, poked and stroked each other as an uncivilised Tarzan might molest Jane, or indeed Cheetah during public holidays. The stalemate was broken by a ferocious, unstoppable shot from Kimberley, bringing his goal tally to four this season. It’s Back responded with some clever counter attacks, taking full advantage of the Apostrophes’ reduced mobility in the adverse weather conditions. A penalty save from It’s Back’s hand sheath exponent denied Turner the opportunity to reduce the deficit, leaving the team two goals behind as they retired to their changing boudoir at half time.

Sporting Apostrophes’ will to win, usually absent by the break, was as strong as ever as the team kicked off the second half. Disciplined defending by Lissimore and Hinceman reduced It’s Back’s opportunities, as Turner and Wessely sought to supply Kimberley and Farnsworth with the ball stroking they crave. Their efforts were rewarded by “guarantee” Farnsworth’s right boot, with a well-taken follow-up from Turner.

“If the rain stopped we’d smell victory,” one fan pleaded, but Mother Nature, deaf to his cries, unleashed the full force of her might, to the dismay of the innumerable fans.

Forlorn, dejected, beaten and bruised, the team swam from the pitch at the final whistle, cursing their luck on such a wretched day.

Sporting Apostrophes remain fifth in the table, their erratic WLWLWL streak confusing fans and pundits alike. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Turner (1).