Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Real So So Bad
“Turner and Wessely’s goals couldn’t stop the injustice of defeat”
Yesterday’s goal-fest against Real So So Bad ended in an unfortunate 13-6 reverse for the world’s most handsome football team.
“After last week’s victory the boys have become complacent,” bemoaned chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. ” Our defence was shocking in the second half, and with no subs available, we ran out of options and sex wee.”
Fans struggled to contain their excitement as an all-star team of Apostrophes legends took to the field for their pre-match calisthenics workout. Hawkins waved at the crowd, showing off his brand new hand sheathes to the fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End. McInerney soon followed, dispelling rumours of his death by natural causes following last week’s mysterious no-show. The in-form midfield pairing of Turner and Wessely joined them, with Lissimore at the rear, his broken toe now a distant memory.
The Super A’s started the first half at a fierce tempo, with much arousing ball stroking and an abundance of tippy-tappy one two play that would bring milky penis tears to the sternest of long ball advocates. The inevitable onion bag violations appeared courtesy of Turner and Wessely, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Real So So Bad soon responded, taking advantage of Hawkins’ unorthodox distribution, the start of a catalogue of defensive mishaps that led to the first half ending four apiece.
“I cannae work out what they’re doin’,” grumbled one season ticket holder, confused at the Apostrophes’ backdoor shenanigans. “After last week’s victory they just wanna taste onion, but you cannae neglect your own onion and let yer opponents stab at it willfully.”
Hawkins handed the sheathes to Lissimore for the second half, as the team tried to claim a famous second consecutive victory. Despite Wessely completing a hat-trick and further punishment from Turner and the aging McInerney, the Super A’s shameful defending led to a torrent of goals from Real So So Bad, to the dismay of the partizan crowd.
Leaving the field at the final whistle, their heads and scrotums hanging in shame, the team spent many mournful hours in their changing boudoir reflecting upon wasted chances, and defending that would make a paralympian blush.
After two matches of their first season in Division II, Sporting Apostrophes must content themselves with mid-table mediocrity. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-13
Squad: Hawkins, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: McInerney (1), Turner (2), Wessely (3).
