Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Rigford Sea-Hawks
“Farnsworth strokes the ball across the hallowed red astroturf”
The Super A’s highly stimulating fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in yet another sickening defeat for the world’s greatest football team.
“The final score flattered them” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine during his televised calisthenics workout. “The boys put in a brave performance for the majority of the game, but it just wasn’t our day, despite the densely populated substitutes bench. As the saying goes: the Lord molesteth with one paw and clubbeth repeatedly in the face with t’other.”
A record-breaking total of eight players sashayed onto the pitch for the Apostrophes, to the delight of the real-life, capacity crowd.
Hinceman, keen to build upon his man-of-the-match performance against Oceans 11, strode confidently onto the pitch, accompanied by Turner, whose prosthetic ankle has been referred to FIFA’s Dubious Bodily Accoutrements Panel for investigation. The pair were followed at a distance so close some might call it homoerotic by Stickland, Kimberley and Bonell, the Swedish dynamo making his last appearance for several weeks due to international commitments.
Coming firmly up the rear, the goal-hungry Farnsworth exploded from the tunnel, like the ejaculate from a gorilla’s penis. The in-form, goal-a-game striker was joined by guest star Ginever, on trial from Scunthorpe United. Reunited with his beloved sheathes, Hawkins soon followed, his cat-like grace and horse-like features receiving wild applause from the innumerable, real-life fans.
Buoyed by the presence of substitutes, Sporting Apostrophes started the match at a ferocious pace, their energy and enthusiasm electrifying the diminutive arena. Rigford drew first blood, but the team soon replied thanks to a poachers’ goal from Farnsworth, a well-taken tap-in following a rarer-than-the-abominable-snowman on-target shot from Kimberley. The Super A’s retained possession well from then on, but it wasn’t enough to prevent the final kick of the half flying past a hapless, flailing Hawkins, his sheathes uncharacteristically devoid of their usual adhesiveness.
The team rallied in the second half, keen to level the scores as soon as possible. Hinceman and Turner dominated the midfield as new boy Ginever ran riot on the wings, whilst Farnsworth and Stickland provided the occasional goal threat. The team appeared to be on the brink of violating their opponents onion bag once more when the stand-in referee incorrectly awarded a goal to Rigford Sea-Hawks.
“Boo! A terrible injustice!” the crowd screamed as the players, sick with exhaustion, wept from their anuses.
With the referee, fate, fitness, religion, Scientology, mother nature, God and the ghost of Christopher Reeve seemingly conspiring against them, and with no Mugabe to spread the Apostrophes gospel, the team were punished further still, the final score being a terribly unfair 1-6 to the Sea-Hawks.
Tabloid rumours suggest that Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co may terminate their lucrative deal with the Super A’s after the team fell to their ninth successive defeat. A terrible injustice!
Score: 1-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Ginever, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).