Sporting Apostrophes

“The smell of onion bag is second only to Brut aftershave in Turner’s affections”

Yesterday’s bruising encounter with league newcomers Green Park ended in a disappointing 4-3 defeat for the world’s favourite football team.

“A cruel, cruel loss” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine.“It was a spirited performance by the team, but once again the hand of fate has cupped our collective scrotums and squeezed hard. No doubt our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result – how I’ll explain it to them I don’t know.”

Even the most die-hard Apostrophes fans were releasing brown pebbles of joy as the team took to the field. The in-form Turner was the first to leave the tunnel, to great applause from the genuinely vast crowd. McInerney soon followed, defying age and Mother Nature to make his 14th appearance for the club. Hand sheath enthusiast Hawkins soon joined them, accompanied by a confident, rejuvenated Kimberley, his hunger for goals evident from the lone testicle dangling from his shorts.

The capacity crowd, by now in such a frenzy that several deaths had occurred, were unprepared for the appearance of Wessely, Sporting Apostophes’ new signing from West Ham United. “A legend is born!” the fans cried, as a small orphan boy child was ritually slaughtered in his honour.

At the instruction of referee Mugabe, Green Park kicked off the first half hesitantly, clearly fearful of the Super A’s. Their fear soon evaporated after they poked the ball past Hawkins, who, despite a string of fine saves, was wrong-footed by a fine one-two attacking manoeuvre. McInerney replied with a vicious stab, to the delight of the innumerable fans, but their delight soon turned to horror as a crunching tackle left him writhing on the floor.

“Put him down, he’s so old!” the away fans sang, as a bruised, battered McInerney hobbled from the pitch, urine streaming down his aging pegs.

Visibly shaken by events on the pitch, the referee signalled the end of the first half with the score at 1-2, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their changing and leisure complex a man down.

Determined to quaff at the fountain of victory, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the second half. Turner and Wessely worked overtime to compensate for the one player deficit; even Kimberley, unable to walk until the age of 10, put in an inspired performance, bullying his way from end to end.

“Penalty!” screamed Mugabe, after a blunder by Green Park’s ‘keeper!

McInerney, the taste of onion bag violation still fresh on his lips, returned to the field, hoping to step up for the kick, but it was left to Turner to hammer the ball home and level the scores.

Turner and Wessely sustained injuries soon after, leaving the Apostrophes with just two extremely fit players in Hawkins and Kimberley. Another howitzer from Turner hinted at a Super A’s victory, but the walking wounded were unable to suppress the increasing attacking threat from Green Park, the final score being a terribly unfair 3-4 reverse.

With two matches left of their second season, Sporting Apostrophes hopes of winning silverware are looking slim. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-4
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: McInerney (1), Turner (2).