Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley’s left foot, like the memory of his last goal, is nothing but a blur”

Last Sunday’s thrilling Division I fixture against unbeaten, unbeatable table-toppers YOH FC ended in yet another entirely unexpected defeat for the Super A’s.

“They were tastier than Brian Blessed in a fist fight with a measles-ridden orphan” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They really took us to school and bummed us in the broom cupboard, right proper hard up the bottom. How I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I just don’t know.“

Season ticket holders rubbed their eyes and penises in disbelief as long-term absentee Stickland led out the team, making his debut appearance in Apostrophes’ famous yellow. “It’s an honour to wear the number 15 shirt for this club,” Stickland announced, whilst kissing the badge, the sponsor’s logo, the collar and cuffs of his shirt, with what some might call an unflattering amount of tongue usage.

The crowd roared as Stickland was followed out of the ivory and marble tunnel by Bonell, back from his sojourn in Sweden. The in-form Farnsworth somersaulted onto the hallowed turf, as chief hand sheath exponent Hawkins dazzled fans with his one-man interpretation of Jackson’s “Thriller” video. The crowd’s roar fell to a deathly whisper as Kimberley took to the field, his lack of goals a source of great concern to die-hard fans in the non-fictional Grammar End.

Fan’s favourite Mugabe, the most partizan, pro-Apostrophes referee in the division by a considerable distance, was once again given the privilege of officiating a Super A’s classic. His occasional blindness and downright cheating proved valuable allies to the noble Apostrophes cause, a venerable fountain of all that is good.

The Super A’s played some delicious, milky hot chocolate football throughout the first half, despite the lack of substitutes and two severe alcohol injuries sustained by Bonell and Stickland. A Farnsworth cannon brought the crowd to its feet, but fans were soon back in their seats following seven goals from YOH FC. Hawkins’ heroics saved further blushes, leaving the players to return to their changing boudoir at half time with a sizable deficit of six onion bag violations.

The Apostrophes adopted a more defensive formation in the second half in attempt to contain the youthful exuberance of their opponents. “It’s an exercise in futility,” the crowd chanted in unison, and so it proved, as YOH FC scored another five. A tidy reply from Bonell brought some cheer to the real life, genuine fans, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Apostrophes falling to their seventh consecutive defeat.

With the squad ravaged by injury and rumours of Hinceman’s big-money transfer to Chelsea, the team will have their work cut out winning the league this season, as is their right by birth, God and the holy ghost of Christopher Reeve.

Sporting Apostrophes remain third from bottom in their bruising first season in Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-12
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (1).