Sporting Apostrophes

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

In a shock backroom restructure, player/manager Milan Hawkins has resigned from his position as kit manager, citing the club’s much publicised refusal to contribute towards his mounting detergent costs as the overriding factor.

In a press conference, a club spokesman said “Due to the crippling lack of finances imposed on the club by the team’s consistent underacheivement, the board was simply unable to meet Milan’s monetary demands”.

The appointment of mis-firing striker/defender Tim Stickland as his replacement has raised eyebrows. Responding to the inevitable concerns over Stickland’s lack of kit managerial experience, the spokesman insisted: “Tim has an encyclopaedic knowledge of both cleaning products and wash cycles that is the envy of East London – we’re delighted that he has agreed to apply his art to the man-made fibres of the Super A’s talismanic red bibs”.

In an attempt to further silence Stickland’s detractors, the club has released the following image depicting an intensely focused Stickland in practice manoeuvres this morning.

Both Hawkins and Stickland were unavailable for comment.

“No! THIS is how you tackle, young man!”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Diepeveen (TBC)
Kimberley
Mysterious “Moose”
Stickland
Turner

Fans’ favourites – an update

The club has been inundated with phone calls and threats from supporters, demanding to know the whereabouts of some of their favourite players:

• Bonell – on a scouting mission in Ireland, following the chairman’s £30 cash injection to fund new signings.
• Davies – last week’s four-goal hero is resting.
• Hawkins – in Berlin, coaching deprived children to Advanced Fouling and Punishment NVQ Level III standard.
• McInerney – arse still ravaged by buminjuries, but the physio says he’s a cert for Sunday 22nd if he lays off the roll-ups.

Right, that’s cleared up that then.

An exciting photo story from the injured Bonell.

“The heroes admire the famous red bibs”

“Bocchi deploys his most fearsome weapon, the bald spot turn”

“Davies left without support for the umpteenth time”

“Kimberley unleashes some Birmingham flair”

“Stickland thrives on instinct, not tactics”

3pm kick-off, Sunday 15th June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

My Left Foot lost 21-1 last weekend – surely we can beat them, surely?!

“Father admires the official merchandise, available from the club shop”

Another sell-out under the arches resulted in a disappointing 8-5 reverse against Belarussion Domination yesterday,

“In the first half we were rubbish” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They punished us good and proper, but we rallied in the second half and put in a good performance. It truly was a game of two testes.”

To the dismay of the fans, the Apostrophes were forced to play without their famous red bibs. Referee Barry Gibb, once again granted the privilege of refereeing a Super A’s classic, insisted that the bibs rendered the team invisible, given the red shirts of Belarus and the red playing surface.

Visibly disorientated by the change of attire, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up: Turner donning the hand sheathes; Bocchi’s Italian meat up the rear; Kimberley playing the role of puffing floater; Davies dishing up a generous helping of flair with a side order of goals up top; Stickland shouting up and down the right wing.

Within the first two minutes, the Super A’s were a goal up, courtesy of a hammer-like toe-poke that would grace any primary school playground from Kimberley. The exertion of scoring too much for him, Kimberley chose to rest on his laurels, the injured Hawkins his replacement.

Chants of “Belarus! Belarus!” filled the arches as the Apostrophes opponents upped their game. A flurry of long distance shots ensued, five of which miraculously found their target.

Fans on the terraces wondered whether it was the introduction of Hawkins that led to the embarrassing capitulation. “He’s not fit to wear the bib,” they cried, as Hawkins laboured about the pitch, slower than a pensioner on dialysis, as the referee blew the half time whistle.

The second half saw a marked improvement in the Super A’s performance and aggression. Bocchi and Turner put in a sparkling defensive display, out-leaping and out-muscling their adversaries respectively. With Kimberley and Stickland alternating in the role of soux chef to Davies’ celebrity chef, an improbable victory seemed an outside possibility.

Despite four well taken goals from Davies and a final warning from the referee for Hawkins, the second-gear exploits of the Apostrophes in the first half proved their undoing, with three more goals from Belarus deciding the fixture.

Sporting Apostrophes continue to prop up the second division table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Bocchi, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Davies (4), Kimberley (1).

“Hawkins contains his fury by chewing a plastic anger-supressant”

Crippled by managonies in his knees and ankles, Hawkins will wrestle the pain barrier to the deck and drop defiant faecal pellets in its mouth. Three cheers, the hero!

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Davies (TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner

“Ever-present Bonell – torn between club and country”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Bonell (injured + international duty – TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner (whereabouts unknown?)

3pm kick-off, Sunday 8th June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

The Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table – a terrible injustice!

Tabloid rumours of ill-discipline with the ranks of the Super A’s were given further credence following McInerney’s “night on the tiles” following the 4-2 reverse against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks. The coach’s tofu and Ribena diet was abandoned in favour of roll-ups and Guinness in what witnesses describe as a shocking display of wanton excess and depravity.

McInerney, captured on film, exercising a covert, pre-midnight Beardsley.

“Forgive me, father, for I have chinned.”

The enthralling six-goal fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks (RSH) yesterday ended in yet another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“It was a solid, bordering on thuggish performance against a quality side” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Despite being ravaged by injuries, hangovers and an eclectic mix of haircuts, the team did everyone proud.”

With three appearance legend Turner donning the hand sheathes, the match commenced with debutants Bocchi and Davies playing up top, with Kimberley and McInerney providing support at the back. Substitutes Bonell and Hawkins looked on apprehensively; could the Apostrophes really succeed against a team with an embroidered kit and a modicum of talent?

New signing Davies immediately put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of moves combined with boundless energy. Hawkins, upon replacing Kimberley, also put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of fouls, wrestling moves and blocking techniques, much to the delight of the fans.

“There’s only one albino Heskey!” the crowd roared, mid-Mexican wave.

RSH, clearly rattled by the unexpected heroics of the bottom-of-the-league team, regained a degree of composure, their afro-wielding right winger knocking in a tasty tap in to make the score 0-1. The Super A’s, riled by the terrible injustice of not being in the lead, scored two goals in rapid succession thanks to some sublime play by Davies. The Sea-Hawks promptly equalised, moments before referee Barry Gibb blew the half time whistle with the team level at two apiece.

The second half proved more challenging than the first. Bonell, Hawkins and Kimberley, suffering from alcohol injuries and limited stamina, were frequently substituted, often in tears. Bocchi continued to add some Italian meat to the side, whilst McInerney soldiered on through the pain, his arse visibly swollen and turtle-heading from the exertion.

Turner’s heroics spared the team’s dignity, his man-hands coveting the ball like a wild-eyed rapist at a fun fair, whilst Davies’ unrelenting assault on the Sea-Hawks prompted accusations of doping, with one pundit even commenting “he’s like Maradona in ’94, only with more pace and a better hairdo.”

To the dismay of the fans, the superior fitness and embroidered kits of the Sea-Hawks ultimately proved their worth, with a goal mid-half and another at the death sealing the Super A’s fate.

Sporting Apostrophes remain cemented to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-4
Squad: Bocchi, Bonell, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Davies (2).

Action shots… for the fans