Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Rigford Sea-Hawks
“Forgive me, father, for I have chinned.”
The enthralling six-goal fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks (RSH) yesterday ended in yet another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.
“It was a solid, bordering on thuggish performance against a quality side” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Despite being ravaged by injuries, hangovers and an eclectic mix of haircuts, the team did everyone proud.”
With three appearance legend Turner donning the hand sheathes, the match commenced with debutants Bocchi and Davies playing up top, with Kimberley and McInerney providing support at the back. Substitutes Bonell and Hawkins looked on apprehensively; could the Apostrophes really succeed against a team with an embroidered kit and a modicum of talent?
New signing Davies immediately put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of moves combined with boundless energy. Hawkins, upon replacing Kimberley, also put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of fouls, wrestling moves and blocking techniques, much to the delight of the fans.
“There’s only one albino Heskey!” the crowd roared, mid-Mexican wave.
RSH, clearly rattled by the unexpected heroics of the bottom-of-the-league team, regained a degree of composure, their afro-wielding right winger knocking in a tasty tap in to make the score 0-1. The Super A’s, riled by the terrible injustice of not being in the lead, scored two goals in rapid succession thanks to some sublime play by Davies. The Sea-Hawks promptly equalised, moments before referee Barry Gibb blew the half time whistle with the team level at two apiece.
The second half proved more challenging than the first. Bonell, Hawkins and Kimberley, suffering from alcohol injuries and limited stamina, were frequently substituted, often in tears. Bocchi continued to add some Italian meat to the side, whilst McInerney soldiered on through the pain, his arse visibly swollen and turtle-heading from the exertion.
Turner’s heroics spared the team’s dignity, his man-hands coveting the ball like a wild-eyed rapist at a fun fair, whilst Davies’ unrelenting assault on the Sea-Hawks prompted accusations of doping, with one pundit even commenting “he’s like Maradona in ’94, only with more pace and a better hairdo.”
To the dismay of the fans, the superior fitness and embroidered kits of the Sea-Hawks ultimately proved their worth, with a goal mid-half and another at the death sealing the Super A’s fate.
Sporting Apostrophes remain cemented to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-4
Squad: Bocchi, Bonell, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Davies (2).
Action shots… for the fans
Anyone noticed in the match images how the game seems to have progressed for several seconds yet Midnight Beardsley remains rooted to the same spot?