Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley, with boyfriend-mentor John Barnes, quaffs Lucozade by the quart to quench his irrepressible manthurstiness”

The mesmerising eight-goal thriller against FC Mackenhegan (FCM) yesterday ended in a convincing victory for the Super A’s.

“Outstanding, our first victory!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, whilst thumbing his glans through his trousers. “It brought a tear to the eye of my anus.”

With Hawkins donning the famous hand sheathes, the Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up, augmented with an extra helping of Italian meat by way of Bocchi A, brother of defensive danger-man Bocchi J. With in-form striker Kimberley, midfield maestro Bonell and “sick note” McInerney completing the line-up, a football extravaganza of much excellence was anticipated by the capacity crowd of genuine, real life fans.

Despite the presence of siblings, brotherly love was not in abundance during the first few minutes of the match. An innocuous challenge by Bocchi A enraged FC Mackenhegan’s talismanic captain Fat Rollo, who proceeded to burst the seams of his skin-tight shirt with his man-fury. Gibb, his luxurious hair and beard officiating the Super A’s yet again, controlled the testosterone-fuelled outburst admirably, condemning Fat Rollo to the stands for the remainder of the half.

The Apostrophes, calmer than an anaethetised paraplegic pensioner in a straight-jacket, proceeded to stroke the leather sphere around with great beauty, arousing the innumerable fans. FCM soon succumbed to the Super A’s entrancing “total football” – their virginal onion bag was brutally violated by a virile Kimberley, his purple patch of form throbbing like the vein on a monster’s penis.

FCM pegged back a solitary goal thanks to an unjust penalty, leaving the Apostrophes to return to the opulent luxury of their dressing room at half time with a commanding 4-1 lead.

With victory assured, the second half saw the Super A’s exercise their significant manliness and superiority at a canter. Hawkins impressed the genuinely voluminous crowd with a string of top draw saves; his trademark testicular “nad-save” late in the game was definitely one for the already bulging “Heroic Saves” scrapbook. Absent due to an orgy of drunkenness, 5-appearance legend Turner was but a distant memory to the partizan crowd.

Two late penalty misses by Bocchi A and Kimberley mattered little, the game already won thanks to additional goals by the brothers Bocchi and “sick note” McInerney.

Sporting Apostrophes remain adhered to the foot of the table with a particularly potent adhesive. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-1
Squad: Bocchi A, Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: Kimberley (4), Bocchi A (1), Bocchi J (1), McInerney (1).