“Artist’s impression of what Davies could possibly just maybe perhaps look like”
Following weeks of speculation, Davies will make his hotly-anticipated first appearance for the Super A’s next Sunday.
The big question on the lips of every die-hard fan – will he have the courage, manliness and chest size below 50″ required to don the hallowed number 10 bib?
“Battered like a sausage, the team’s meat is throbbing with anxiety”
Rooted to the foot of the table and with a the squad ravaged by injuries, next Sunday’s fixture against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks looks set to be real challenge for the Apostrophes.
Full line-up to be confirmed later in the week, but the current state of play is as follows:
The Probables:
Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins (slight injury, distraught ankles, will definitely be fit for Sunday)
Kimberley
McInerney (injured, bruised arse, possibility for Sunday)
Turner (injured, elephantitis of the ankle, possibility for Sunday)
Confirmed absentees:
Stickland
Hodgkiss
Next week’s fixture against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks will be hard work!
KO 2.20pm, Sunday 1st June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.
“My peripheral vision is so poor I can’t see my fingers”
A capacity crowd witnessed the dramatic twelve-goal thriller against the Jocks of One Flew Into the Keepers Net (OFIKN) today, which tragically ended in defeat for the Super A’s.
“My outrage is subsiding” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys showed incredible courage in the face of adversity, but an incredible lack of stamina proved their undoing”.
With crocked striker McInerney watching from the stands, the team started nervously, aware of the lack of substitutes on the bench. Bonell, clearly angered by his nation’s poor Eurovision ranking, made a lively start. Debutants Hodgkiss and Stickland, playing defence and goal-hanger respectively, looked right at home in what was an unfamiliar line-up for the Apostrophes. Turner, equalling the Super A’s appearance record of two, continued his fine form, marshalling the midfield like a white chocolate Makélélé.
The first ten minutes saw a vicious onslaught from OFIKN – “Adhesive Digits” Hawkins leapt to the team’s rescue like a rabies-ridden man-cat. Apostrophes gained their composure with the onion bag molested just once by enemy toe-pokes, when a savage mantackle felled goalscorer Turner outside the box.
“It hurt like a bastard,” he protested, as he was carried off the field.
Spectators looked on in amazement as McInerney cheered on the sidelines, adding to the rumours of dressing room unrest.
Down to four men and with energy in short supply, the Super A’s were soon 2-1 behind. Against the run of play, the scores were leveled by Stickland before the ref blew the whistle for half time.
The second half saw the Apostrophes regroup. Turner’s ankle, swollen and deformed beyond Beadle’s worst nightmare, bravely donned the goalkeeper’s gloves, putting in a sterling performance for the remainder of the game. Hawkins, unbridled from his hand sheathes, ran amok, choosing to run through his opponents rather than past them, with Hodgkiss proving equally robust down the flanks.
The Super A’s, their last soupcon of energy spent, pegged the score back on three occasions during the half, with goals from Bonell, Hawkins and another cannon from Stickland. However, the superior fitness of OFIKN, combined with the injuries, bad luck, poor refereeing and meteorological interference that cursed the Apostrophes from start to finish, resulted in a 7-5 reverse for the heroic Pele spawn.
Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-7
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Hodgkiss, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1), Hawkins (1), Stickland (2), Turner (1).
“A right pain in the George Michael”
Top scorer and chain smoker McInerney is a major doubt for Sunday’s league fixture following a freak arse injury.
“I was just parking the motor, when, upon depressing the clutch, I felt a real tightness in me arse cheek,” he wailed.
Scurrilous tabloid rumours suggest the injury was caused during rehearsals for a new goal celebration dubbed “reverse midnight Beardsley.” Another far more sinister rumour points towards retribution from an irate Turner, still smarting from the training ground bust-up reported earlier this week.
McInerney will face a rigorous examination and fitness test from the physio Brian Broadfinger (pictured).
“Mummy, I am so hungry!”
Swedish dynamo Bonell has been declared fit and available for Sunday’s crucial tie against One Flew Into the Keeper’s Net:
Min utförande på Söndagen vilja komma med stor stolthet till folk av Sverige. JAG er mycket bättre än tjock pojke Tomat Brolin han kasta en mörk höljas i moln av skam ovanför den motherland.
JAG förutsäga en bekväm seger på Söndagen, följande en eftertrycklig Eurovision vinna!
English translation:
My performance on Sunday will bring great pride to the people of Sweden. I am much better than fat boy Tomas Brolin – he casts a dark cloud of shame upon the motherland.
I predict a comfortable victory on Sunday, following an emphatic Eurovision win!
The Super A’s are now 1-5 favourites with bookmaker Paddy Power.
“You rotter, don’t punish me!”
Probable line-up (one additional player TBC):
Bocchi
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
McInerney
Stickland
Turner
Unsubstantiated rumours persist of a freak training ground incident that may sideline midfield engine Turner for Sunday’s game. More news when we have it.
KO 1pm, Sunday 25th May at Powerleague Old Street.
No… I can’t understand it either…
“I poke out my eyes in shame!”
To the dismay of the capacity crowd, the nine-goal thriller against Sugary Tea ended in defeat for the Super A’s.
“It’s an outrage” fumed chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our performance today was outstanding; flair, commitment, passion… with the exception of fitness, we had it all!”
The first half started promisingly. McInerney and Bonell proved a genuine goal threat, with ample supply from midfield maestro Turner. Diepeveen clearly understood the fundamentals of goalkeeping, and, with help from Hawkins at the back, it looked like the onion bag would not be violated for some time.
After five minutes, a deft touch (possibly an accidental deflection) from Bonell, followed by a well-placed shot from McInerney made it 1-0 to the Apostrophes. Unfortunately, the clearly corrupt referee chose to gift, I repeat for emphasis, GIFT the Teas five goals within the space of the next ten minutes. Substitute Kimberley’s relentless running, puffing, panting and sweating made little impact, and the infidel referee blew for half time with the score a miserable 1-5.
The second half saw Hawkins don the sweat-ridden goalie gloves, and, with a brief review of tactics, thing were definitely looking up. McInerney responded to the sixth Sugary Tea goal with a real howitzer, and only missed out on a hattrick thanks to a missed penalty later in the half. Turner’s energetic display looked like it could reap dividends, until the Teas promptly added a seventh. Dignity was (kind of, barely) spared with a penalty save by Hawkins late in the game.
Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-7
Squad: Bonell, Diepeveen, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: McInerney (2)
Today’s match finished 7-2 to the Sugary Teas. A terrible injustice! Match report to follow.