Sporting Apostrophes vs One Flew Into The Keepers Net
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 2nd May 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
Sporting Apostrophes vs Lindop FC
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 25th April 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Sporting Apostrophes vs El Paso
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 18th April 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
3pm kick-off, Sunday 11th April 2010 at Powerleague London City.
FOLLOWED IMMEDIATELY BY:
The Lucozade Cup – group format followed by knockout rounds (additional match fee will apply).
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“photo coming sooner than you’d like”
Sporting Apostrophes, last season’s righteous division II champions, received a harsh welcome to life in the top tier, losing 6-3 to Fuel Customer Priority.
“Our squad oozes, nay, REEKS of quality, but to thrive in this winners’ league we need to redouble our efforts on the astroturf,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match sauna. “It’s not the start we were hoping for, but our morale is still sky-high, and I’m confident that it will remain so for at least another fortnight.”
Match highlights include: a commendable debut for Ford; Correa on the road to fitness; trademark non-stop running from Bell; top-drawer, disciplined defensive play from Tinsley; yet another improbable goal from “The Beast of Baltimore”; deluxe sheath targeting and man latex from Stickland.
The famous yellows’ introduction to top flight football ended in tears, a savage uppercut, a dagger to the heart of any lover of free-spirited, quality loveball. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 3-6
Squad: Bell, Correa, Ford, Hinceman, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Ford (1), Hinceman (1), Tinsley (1).
“Realistic, plausible photo coming soon”
Overview
After 6 seasons of humiliation and hurt, Sporting Apostrophes finally achieved greatness in their historic 7th season with a convincing division II championship victory. An impressive haul of 31 points from 14 matches saw them take the title, a point ahead of old rivals U.B.O.C.
Few would argue that this incredible, world-changing achievement is in no small part down the the efforts of Farnsworth and Pacheco. “Terrorist” Farnsworth chalked up 42 goals this season, almost half the team’s goals. Pacheco delivered 21, taking the lion’s share of the man-of-the-match awards in the process, though his season was ended prematurely following a serious injury in the ill-tempered draw against Swan and Speedos.
“Ever ready” Stickland’s 13 appearances made a big impact, his enthusiasm undimmed after countless seasons performing with or without latex.
The signing of Tinsley, sanctioned by the chairman at the mid-point of the season, was an important step in securing the title. His confident performances and defensive discipline were much appreciated in the Grammar End.
Best Performance
Sporting Apostrophes’ two narrow victories against Team Wang were both magnificent performances. The first encounter saw a clean sheet for Hawkins, the first in the team’s long, illustrious history. The second, season-defining encounter saw the Super A’s take 3 points and the championship, despite a threadbare squad.
Worst Performance
The 8-4 reverse to old rivals U.B.O.C. was a disappointing way to start the second half of the season.
Goal scorers
“Terrorist” Farnsworth tore up the record books with an astonishing 42 goals, almost doubling the previous record. His incredible haul of onion, harvested in just 11 appearances, cements the Yorkshireman’s place in the annals of footballing history.
Portugal’s Pacheco fought the irresistible urge to chip unnecessarily, leading to an excellent return of 21 goals.
The onion jam was spread thinly and evenly across the rest of the squad. However, “never score” Stickland’s 3 goals following a 5-season, 40-match dry spell is worthy of note.
Man-of-the-Match awards
For the third consecutive season, Pacheco leads the pack with a commendable 6 man-of-the-match awards in 10 appearances, equalling the club record held by the Portuguese and America’s Hinceman.
Farnsworth achieved a very respectable four gongs, with the remaining honours spread evenly throughout the squad.
For the first time in his illustrious 7-season career, Hawkins managed to go an entire season without winning a single man-of-the-match award, leaving his dreams of a world cup call-up in ruins.
Disciplinary record
The division II champions boast an unblemished disciplinary record. Few would challenge Sporting Apostrophes’ position as “the gentlemen’s club.”
Appearances
Stickland equals his and the club’s record of 13 appearances in a season, held jointly with Correa. However, having achieved his feat in a 14-match season, his endeavours are worthy of special praise.
Farnsworth and Pacheco both graced the astroturf on 11 and 10 occasions respectively. The latter would surely have played more were it not for his season-concluding injury.
Hinceman, Kimberley and recent acquisition Tinsley played 7 matches apiece.
Hawkins and Wessely each chalked up 6 appearances, with 5 for Bell and 4 for “wrong side of 30″ Turner.
Correa’s foot injury and DIY duties sidelined him for the season, allowing him to make just a single appearance. Trialists Poncet and Tobin also booked a table for one in the restaurant called Lonely.
Success ratio
(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio
Farnsworth’s Success Ratio of 1.0 is made all the more remarkable by his 11 appearances, consisting of 10 victories and 1 draw. The 3 matches missed by “guarantee” Farnsworth all resulted in defeat for the Super A’s.
It should come as little surprise that Success Ratio figures throughout the squad are healthy in a championship-winning season. However, more surprising is the comparatively poor figures achieved by Tinsley and Turner.
Value per victory
(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory
Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.
€64.94m – Farnsworth
€48.09m – Pacheco
€30.15m – Stickland
€18.30m – Hinceman
Once again, Farnsworth and Pacheco dominate, the former setting yet another Apostrophes record.
Legitimate, real-world transfer values
Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season VII:
€64.94m – Farnsworth
€60.11m – Pacheco
€35.63m – Stickland
€29.80m – Tinsley
€21.35m – Hinceman
Farnsworth’s figure sets a new Apostrophes record, with Pacheco a mere handful of Euros behind.
Stickland commands a solid €30+ transfer value, with Tinsley close behind, an impressive achievement in his first season in a yellow shirt.
Hinceman maintains a good value despite his advancing years and inches.
Season VIII objectives
Sporting Apostrophes’ 1st place finish is a new record:
Avoiding relegation must be the primary objective. Fans the world’s greatest football team expect nothing less than sublime, Technicolor sexball, the kind which is superior to the special school standard on offer in division II.
YES! IT’S A DOUBLE-HEADER!
Sporting Apostrophes vs Vacancy 1
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 28th March 2010 at Powerleague London City.
Followed by:
Sporting Apostrophes vs Static Data
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 28th March 2010 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
Sporting Apostrophes – season VIII fixtures
March 2010
21/03/2010, 3:00pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Fuel Customer Priority
28/03/2010, 1:40pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Vac 1
28/03/2010, 2:20pm – Static Data vs Sporting Apostrophes
April 2010
11/04/2010, 3:40pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C
18/04/2010, 1:40pm – El Paso vs Sporting Apostrophes
25/04/2010, 2:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Lindop FC
May 2010
02/05/2010, 3:40pm – One Flew Into The Keepers Net vs Sporting Apostrophes
09/05/2010, 2:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs It’s Back
16/05/2010, 3:40pm – 5IVE vs Sporting Apostrophes
23/05/2010, 3:40pm – Fuel Customer Priority Sporting Apostrophes
30/05/2010, 2:20pm – Vac 1 vs Sporting Apostrophes
June 2010
06/06/2010, 3:00pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Static Data
13/06/2010, 2:20pm – U.B.O.C vs Sporting Apostrophes
20/06/2010, 2:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs El Paso
27/06/2010, 3:40pm – Lindop Fc vs Sporting Apostrophes
July 2010
04/07/2010, 4:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes – One Flew Into The Keepers Net
11/07/2010, 2:20pm – It’s Back vs Sporting Apostrophes
18/07/2010, 1:40pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs 5IVE
Due to injuries, witchcraft, adverse weather conditions and the ugly aftermath of the coke-and-hooker-fuelled Champions’ party, Sporting Apostrophes were forced to forfeit their fixture against Static Data. Fans were treated to an exhibition match, with the super yellows’ squad bolstered by members of West End Wanderers. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, Tinsley, Turner.
Goals: N/A.
Sporting Apostrophes vs Fuel Customer Priority
3pm kick-off, Sunday 21st March 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“The prophecy is fulfilled as Sporting Apostrophes finally win the division II championship! Left to right: Turner, Hinceman, Hawkins, Bell, Stickland, Farnsworth, Borgnine, Kimberley, Pacheco.”
A new world order was established last Sunday, changing life as we know it on this planet irrevocably. Poverty has been eradicated; climate change, a persistent threat, has been halted in its tracks; civil war, conflict, genocide: words that will be consigned to the history books; albinos and midgets, available on a 2-for-1 deal; organised religions universally abandoned in favour of The One New Church of Sporting Apostrophes, the newly-crowned champions of division II.
“We finally did it!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine, overwhelmed by emotion following his team’s incredible achievement, its significance greater than the birth of Christ and Christopher Reeve combined. “It’s been a long, hard season, and we’ve sailed close to the wind at times, but we deserve this promotion. It’s taken us seven seasons to taste silverware, and now it’s a reality we’ll be licking its onion glaze until our tongues chafe and burn. Commiserations to Team Wang – they’re a nice bunch of lads, but it looks like their chances of promotion have evaporated. Second place is U.B.O.C.’s to lose.”
Match highlights include: obligatorygoals from the ever-potent Farnsworth; a titanic performance from Maryland cookie Hinceman; rib-cracking, heart-and-soul football from Bell; Stickland, making his fourteenth consecutive appearance, possibly a record?; pass-and-move goodness from Wessely.
After six seasons of pain, injuries, heavy defeats, bad luck and Apostolov, Sporting Apostrophes, the world’s favourite team, have finally achieved greatness. It may have taken 93 matches and 34 players, but the team’s innumerable fans can finally celebrate a championship-winning season. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 4-2
Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), plus an own goal from Team Wang.
“Correa celebrates his fourth onion with Wessely”
Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II championship gathered pace with a convincing victory against Centrepoint FC.
“We dished out our unique brand of canary yellow punishment and it made them gag like a mouthful of English mustard,” boasted chairman Ernest Borgnine, his chest puffed out through a combination of pride and his freshly-waxed grandfatherly moobs. “I can already smell the Dettox on the winners’ podium, and you mark my words, I’ll be the first to hold the championship trophy aloft when we win it.”
Match highlights include: yet another double hat-trick for Farnsworth, the sixth of his career; a welcome appearance from Correa, his first of the season following his life-threatening home decorating illness; ever-present Stickland; a late, late show from Wessely; another taste of Tinsley, with some top drawer defensive play; stereo violations for Hinceman, though his second is hotly disputed.
With just two matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by 3 points. A win next week would guarantee the championship, immortality and unfettered access to a thousand virgins beyond the grave. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 12-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Correa (4), Hinceman (2).
Sporting Apostrophes vs Static Data
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 14th March 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
Sporting Apostrophes vs Team Wang
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th March 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“Borgnine and Hinceman sample le oignon fondant at the rehearsal dinner for the Promotion Feast”
A bitter new rivalry was created as a result of last Sunday’s petulant encounter with league newcomers Swan and Speedos.
“Good God, they’re worse than Minety, Real So So Bad and Los Diablos baked into an irritating past-date quiche!” raged an irate Ernest Borgnine. “They’re unsporting, foul-mouthed, and, to worst of all, they injured our star pony. With any luck we’ll leave them languishing in division II as we sup from the golden chalice of promotion and everlasting life, fertility and all-you-can-eat buffets.”
Match highlights include: a hat-trick for “guarantee” Farnsworth, taking his season total to 33 goals in just 9 appearances; top-drawer sheath loving from Stickland; Wessely just making the last call for part deux; Pacheco tasting astroturf, leaving him on the sidelines for potentially the rest of the season; Hinceman dishing out pain like a Biggie and Tupac club sandwich; another sterling performance for young Tinsley; energy and ivory from the evergreen Kimberley, without a modicum of harmony.
Sporting Apostrophes remain at the top of division II with a 3-point lead and commanding goal difference. With just 3 matches remaining, the promotion dream is more alive than a motorway collision between the cast of Fame’s tour bus and a lorry load of amphetamines. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 3-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3).
Sporting Apostrophes vs Centrepoint FC
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 28th February 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
Sporting Apostrophes vs Swan and Speedos
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 21st February 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“Fans struggle to contain their excitement upon hearing that the Apostrophes press embargo has ended”
Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a Goliath leap forward with a convincing 11-4 victory against West End Wanderers.
“A magnificent display of pure, uncut onionball!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, relieved to be talking to reporters once again following the long-standing press embargo. “Farnsworth’s double hat-trick, the fifth of his career, was the icing on the Super A’s cupcake. He now has 30 goals to his name this season – surely 40 isn’t an unrealistic target for the ‘terrorist’ from Yorkshire?”
To the delight of fans in the Grammar End, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with an abundance of home-grown English talent, each man eager to prove himself worthy of a place in the starting line-up for the impending World Cup. Birmingham’ s Kimberley headed the pack, the silver-haired midget in prime condition thanks to his rigorous cycling regime. Hawkins, another native of the second city, was next in line, the sheath technician eager to feel latex on his skin once again after a 3-week absence. Recent signing Tinsley joined the Midland pairing, the Essex wonder-boy already an established Apostrophe after just three appearances on the hallowed astroturf. Local lad “fairweather” Stickland made it four, the on-off glovesman making his fiftieth appearance for the famous yellows. Yorkshire’s finest pudding joined him, the in-form striker now odds-on favourite to regain the brown plimsole after two seasons in the wilderness. The quintet of English mustard were accompanied by the American Hinceman, Maryland’s biggest export since Tupac.
One-legged referee Gillespie started proceedings with a muscular “toot!” on his whistle.
The entrée was served piping hot, the Apostrophes storming to a three goal lead in a matter of minutes. Some fine interplay between Tinsley and Farnsworth delivered the onion, with notable assists and heave-ho from Hinceman and Stickland, the latter helping himself with a well-taken poke. The Wanderers rallied, replying with two goals in quick succession, despite some jazz hands and sheath wizardry from Hawkins. The Super A’s opened up a two goal lead, before their opponents added a third with the final kick of the first half, a fortunate, long range effort that bamboozled the hapless Hawkins.
Sagely advice and energy drinks were exchanged at half time, the players still fully-focused on their promotion dreams.
West End Wanderers equalised early in the second half, but the Apostrophes replied with a savage one-two counterpunch from Tinsley, stereo onion bag violations that left the Wanderers reeling. Hinceman drew blood from an impossible angle, as Kimberley mystified his opponents and possibly himself with his incredible, tireless running into space. Farnsworth dealt further punishment, completing his double hat-trick, before the referee brought the match to an end after yet another famous Sporting victory.
With just four matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by three points, their hopes of feasting at the promotion buffet as real and tangible as a scale drawing of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!
Score: 11-4
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Tinsley (3), Hinceman (1), Stickland (1).
Sporting Apostrophes vs West End Wanderers
3pm kick-off, Sunday 14th February 2010 at Powerleague London City.
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Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
Stats
Score: 7-5
Squad: Bell, Farnsworth, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Pacheco (2), Bell (1), Tinsley (1).
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