Sporting Apostrophes

“With their sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. in ruins, the team practice their trademark ‘back to goal, don’t defend’ manoeuvre in unbranded sweatshirts. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, Bonell, White, Kimberley, Hinceman, Farnsworth”

Rock biscuit Bonell is scheduled to return, his on-off tattoo injury still a source of mischief. The Swede will be joined by White, an immediate fans’ favourite following his debut hat-trick. Hinceman’s ankle, so effective in last week’s match, will be risked again against the advice of the team witch doctor.

Farnsworth, Kimberley, Lissimore and Wessely complete the Apostrophes line-up.

Sunday’s line-up

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
Wessely
White

“Following last week’s victory the team’s rigorous training schedule has stepped up a gear. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, McInerney, Turner, Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes line-up for Sunday’s fixture against Real So So Bad:

Hawkins
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

Fans’ favourites Farnsworth (alcohol) and Hinceman (ankle) are subject to a late fitness test.

“Evolution or intelligent design? Mankind cannot fathom how such athletes are created. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Bonell, Turner, Wessely, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

Sporting Apostrophes’ line-up for Sunday’s fixture against YOH FC, the undefeated champions of Division I:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

“The team sprint the length of the training field faster than a paraplegic on ketamine. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, McInerney, Turner, Kimberley, Farnsworth, Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes’ line-up for Sunday’s fixture against Los Diablos:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

Hinceman pulls up his trousers having chosen not to use the toilet following a trademark Borgnine pebble-dashing.

Hinceman’s Oktoberfest “holiday” was today revealed as a cover story for his proposed mega-money transfer to Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich.

“He has pace, height in abundance and his own kit - who wouldn’t want a player with those qualities?” remarked one Apostrophes fan upon hearing the news.

Rumours suggest that Kimberley may be used as a makeweight in the deal, but Bayern have expressed interest in receiving a family-size pack of Wagon Wheels instead.

“Chairman Ernest Borgnine hands Kimberley his goalcashbonustopmoney following his brace on Sunday”

Confirmed line-up for Sunday’s clash with Unsung Heroes:

Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner

Fans’ forums were ablaze with rumours after the club announced that two additional players will be making their league debuts on Sunday. Their surnames remain unconfirmed at time of going to press, but bookies are taking bets on a host of thoroughbred talent.

“Turner dry wretches at the sight of Stickland’s groin injury as McInerney, in a state of arousal, unleashes the camcorder”

Stickland’s programme of advanced stretching has landed him on the Sporting Apostrophes injury list for the second time this season.

“Typical! After such a good performance on Sunday he’s now sidelined for several weeks thanks to his stupid manstretches,” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Who the hell does he think he is, Rudolf Nureyev?”

“With the smell of a potential victory filling their manly nostrils, the athletes accelerate to a mild canter. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

League newcomers Real Ale Madrid face the daunting task of lining up against a team of Apostrophes legends:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

“Turner is rightly proud of his custom-made, world cup shaped turtle-head prevention plug (patent pending)”

Emotional fans were turtle-heading with sexglee this afternoon upon hearing that Turner is fit and available for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks. The part-time sheath exponent, full-time midfield maestro will be joining a galaxy of stars for what promises to be a record-breaking turnout for the Super A’s.

“The team set off on their punishing 0.2 mile jog. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, Hinceman, Stickland”

Fans’ favourite Hawkins is scheduled to report for sheath duty following his promotional tour of Berlin, accompanied by the out-of-form Kimberley. Farnsworth, rested for last week’s fixture, returns to the Super A’s starting line-up.

Bonell, Hinceman and Stickland return, having come through last Sunday’s fixture unscathed.

Lissimore’s injury keeps him sidelined, whilst top-scorer McInerney is given a well-earned break, safe in the knowledge that Kimberley could never hope to break his impressive goal tally.

Turner’s whereabouts unknown…

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Hawkins and Kimberley always fly top-bonus class on the Super A’s private jet”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s against Oceans 11 next Sunday:

Bonell
Hinceman
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

Regulars Hawkins and Kimberley will miss this crucial tie due to promotional duties at the opening of Shaw Reifen und Auspuff Kompany in Berlin).

Due to the number of injuries and holidays, players are strongly encouraged to recruit additional “talent” in the hope of populating the substitutes kayak.

“Hinceman on international duty for Soccerball Team USA”

“I can’t wait to get my teeth into YOH FC on Sunday,” Hinceman announced to the throng of paparazzi outside the Apostrophes training theme park. “OK, so they’re unbeaten, and the bookies have us at odds of 250-1, but that’s just statistics and gay witchcraft.”

Nobody at the club could confirm the exact meaning of the term “gay witchcraft” at the time of going to press.

“The team work up a sinister, un-Godly sweat in their 100% polyester, non-breathable training tops purchased by the almighty Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner”

Fans’ favourite Bonell is scheduled to return following his 3-match absence. The Swedish dynamo will be joined by long-term injury victim Stickland, who will don the famous yellow jersey for the first time having recovered from his knee badness.

Left back legend Lissimore will be out for a number of weeks following the toe breakage terror suffered during Sunday’s game against Los Diablos. Turner will be keeping him company on the sidelines for another week of recuperation.

Hopeless, hapless, handicapped striker Kimberley returns from his completely undeserved holiday with a point to prove. Free-scoring “hotshot” McInerney is being rested for this crucial tie, thereby gifting the equally potent Farnsworth the opportunity to add to his impressive goal tally.

Hawkins is expected to shield his precious fingers from the leather brutality of the size 5 once again, with Hinceman lining up for another impressive midfield performance.

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with table-toppers YOH:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Kimberley takes the ‘rubbish’ tag literally”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with transfer rumours following out-of-form striker Kimberley’s miserable run of 5 games with no goals.

“He’s rubbish, like some sort of sick Jan Molby / Heather Mills hybrid,” complained one visibly upset season ticket holder. “There’s ample support from midfield and he’s not been short of chances. I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

Kimberley has been linked with several Major League clubs who covet his questionable work ethic and willingness to be substituted.

“Kimberley’s ‘back-to-third-world-basics’ training regime is of dubious merit”

Click here to see the full article on the genuine BBC Sport website.

“The Bonell family can’t wait to see their boy”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
McInerney
Turner

Yes folks, that’s only five, so if anyone else wants to play please raise your hand.

This enticing fixture will be Bonell’s last for several weeks. Fans are encouraged to turn up in force to see the Super A’s legend make his eighth appearance.

“I’m off to the motherland for a fortnight, then I’m having the Sporting Apostrophes logo tattooed on my back,” the Swedish midfielder announced at a packed press conference this morning.

The Super A’s squad for Sunday’s matches is currently:

Bocchi A
Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
McInerney
Reid (one-off celebrity guest appearance from the West Midlands speed merchant)

As this is a two-match Sunday the fee is of course doubled. For eight players it’ll be £8-a-pop (8 x 8 is of course 64 - the additional £4 will go towards a new ball, as the old one is buggered).

“Injury is no excuse for letting oneself go”

Five appearance legend Turner, still suffering from the injury problems that have plagued him this season, is a major doubt for next week’s exciting double header against Unsung Heroes and the spastics.

“The ankle has been killing me all season, hand sheathes or no hand sheathes,” he protested, during an open training session this morning. “Bed rest and drink, that’s what I need.”

“Hawkins’ unorthodox training methods are a recipe for suck cess”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against FC Mackenhegan:

Bocchi
Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner

Diepeveen or Hodgkiss - if either of you are available for selection this week, please voice your athletic desires.

In a shock backroom restructure, player/manager Milan Hawkins has resigned from his position as kit manager, citing the club’s much publicised refusal to contribute towards his mounting detergent costs as the overriding factor.

In a press conference, a club spokesman said “Due to the crippling lack of finances imposed on the club by the team’s consistent underacheivement, the board was simply unable to meet Milan’s monetary demands”.

The appointment of mis-firing striker/defender Tim Stickland as his replacement has raised eyebrows. Responding to the inevitable concerns over Stickland’s lack of kit managerial experience, the spokesman insisted: “Tim has an encyclopaedic knowledge of both cleaning products and wash cycles that is the envy of East London - we’re delighted that he has agreed to apply his art to the man-made fibres of the Super A’s talismanic red bibs”.

In an attempt to further silence Stickland’s detractors, the club has released the following image depicting an intensely focused Stickland in practice manoeuvres this morning.

Both Hawkins and Stickland were unavailable for comment.