Posted by Hawkins on October 15, 2008
Posted under
Press releases
Hand sheath magician Hawkins’ first book on the artistry and science of onion bag defending is due to hit bookshelves worldwide from Monday 20th October. Topics include:
- Sheath selection, maintenance and pull-out sizing chart.
- Polyester - “it’s just better”.
- Diving left or right - how to get it right 100% of the time, every time.
- Coveting balls - fantasy and reality.
- Opponents - know your enema.
- Penalties - why they’re unjust, how to save them 100% of the time, every time.
- Mind games - arouse your opponent with one lingering stare.
- Elbows - the gift from God.
- Underwear dilemmas and testicular support.
Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.
Posted by Hawkins on July 3, 2008
Posted under
Announcements,
Press releases
“Hawkins wears the new Super A’s shirt at the opening polyesterceremonials”
Sporting Apostrophes are delighted to announce a new shirt sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. Beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine signed the £2,500,000 one-season contract at the prestigious Lancashire offices of the team’s new sponsor.
“They’re proper excellent” the chairman enthused, stroking the new team shirt with his strong, manly left hand, whilst stroking his flaccid penis with his delicate, feminine right.
Squad numbers for the new season will be confirmed shortly.
Posted by Hawkins on June 24, 2008
Posted under
Announcements,
Fashion,
Press releases
The Sporting Apostrophes official club badge was unveiled today at a packed press conference in east London.
Any die-hard Apostrophes fan will immediately recognise the significance of the various components of the badge; to help the ignorant:
- The badge boasts an officially licensed likeness of Pele, smiling broadly after yet another devastating Super A’s performance.
- The two golden footballs represent Pele’s generous, loving plums (refer to the history section of this website for more information).
- The motto “A ATROX INIQUITAS” - “A terrible injustice” in Latin.
- The badge features three gold stars, the meaning of which is a terrible, terrible secret.
Officially licensed merchandise will be available from all good sports retailers shortly.
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