Sporting Apostrophes

“McInerney is persona non grata at his local J.D. Wetherspoon”

Want-away grandad “static” McInerney’s troubled third season with Sporting Apostrophes shows little sign of improvement, following the publication of photos showing the aftermath of his weekend of debauchery.

“He was top-scorer last season, but last season is last season, not this season, which is the season that’s currently of most interest to me,” opined one season ticket holder outside the club superstore. “Christ, even Kimberley has scored more goals!”

“Kenyon always shakes with his right hand before reaching for his penis with his left”

Sporting Apostrophes have once again moved to dismiss tabloid rumours of Hinceman’s big-money move to London rivals Chelsea.

“Listen, I’m sick and tired of this rumour-mongering - he’s going nowhere,” chairman Ernest Borgnine reiterated during his daily press conference. “Granted, we’d listen to offers for ‘Static’ [McInerney] and we couldn’t give away Kimberley, but everyone else is untouchable.”

“Behold the abundance of pitch girth and non-indoors goodness”

Tabloid rumours suggest that the Super A’s will be transferring to Powerleague City next season, just a 5-minute walk from Powerleague Old Street.

“The pitches are much wider, and, as they have a second tier, the Apostrophes will thrive amongst poor quality teams,” noted one season ticket holder, who appeared unfazed at the prospect of watching the Super A’s at a different arena. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that they’re anything other than heroically uber-boss and brilliant,” he added.

Chairman Ernest Borgnine was unavailable for comment.

Today’s match finished 7-2 to the Sugary Teas. A terrible injustice! Match report to follow.