Sporting Apostrophes

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Posted on March 25, 2010

Sporting Apostrophes – Season VII Summary

Posted under Off the record

“Realistic, plausible photo coming soon”


After 6 seasons of humiliation and hurt, Sporting Apostrophes finally achieved greatness in their historic 7th season with a convincing division II championship victory. An impressive haul of 31 points from 14 matches saw them take the title, a point ahead of old rivals U.B.O.C.

Few would argue that this incredible, world-changing achievement is in no small part down the the efforts of Farnsworth and Pacheco. “Terrorist” Farnsworth chalked up 42 goals this season, almost half the team’s goals. Pacheco delivered 21, taking the lion’s share of the man-of-the-match awards in the process, though his season was ended prematurely following a serious injury in the ill-tempered draw against Swan and Speedos.

“Ever ready” Stickland’s 13 appearances made a big impact, his enthusiasm undimmed after countless seasons performing with or without latex.

The signing of Tinsley, sanctioned by the chairman at the mid-point of the season, was an important step in securing the title. His confident performances and defensive discipline were much appreciated in the Grammar End.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ two narrow victories against Team Wang were both magnificent performances. The first encounter saw a clean sheet for Hawkins, the first in the team’s long, illustrious history. The second, season-defining encounter saw the Super A’s take 3 points and the championship, despite a threadbare squad.

Worst Performance

The 8-4 reverse to old rivals U.B.O.C. was a disappointing way to start the second half of the season.

Goal scorers

“Terrorist” Farnsworth tore up the record books with an astonishing 42 goals, almost doubling the previous record. His incredible haul of onion, harvested in just 11 appearances, cements the Yorkshireman’s place in the annals of footballing history.

Portugal’s Pacheco fought the irresistible urge to chip unnecessarily, leading to an excellent return of 21 goals.

The onion jam was spread thinly and evenly across the rest of the squad. However, “never score” Stickland’s 3 goals following a 5-season, 40-match dry spell is worthy of note.

Man-of-the-Match awards

For the third consecutive season, Pacheco leads the pack with a commendable 6 man-of-the-match awards in 10 appearances, equalling the club record held by the Portuguese and America’s Hinceman.

Farnsworth achieved a very respectable four gongs, with the remaining honours spread evenly throughout the squad.

For the first time in his illustrious 7-season career, Hawkins managed to go an entire season without winning a single man-of-the-match award, leaving his dreams of a world cup call-up in ruins.

Disciplinary record

The division II champions boast an unblemished disciplinary record. Few would challenge Sporting Apostrophes’ position as “the gentlemen’s club.”


Stickland equals his and the club’s record of 13 appearances in a season, held jointly with Correa. However, having achieved his feat in a 14-match season, his endeavours are worthy of special praise.

Farnsworth and Pacheco both graced the astroturf on 11 and 10 occasions respectively. The latter would surely have played more were it not for his season-concluding injury.

Hinceman, Kimberley and recent acquisition Tinsley played 7 matches apiece.

Hawkins and Wessely each chalked up 6 appearances, with 5 for Bell and 4 for “wrong side of 30” Turner.

Correa’s foot injury and DIY duties sidelined him for the season, allowing him to make just a single appearance. Trialists Poncet and Tobin also booked a table for one in the restaurant called Lonely.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Farnsworth’s Success Ratio of 1.0 is made all the more remarkable by his 11 appearances, consisting of 10 victories and 1 draw. The 3 matches missed by “guarantee” Farnsworth all resulted in defeat for the Super A’s.

It should come as little surprise that Success Ratio figures throughout the squad are healthy in a championship-winning season. However, more surprising is the comparatively poor figures achieved by Tinsley and Turner.

Value per victory

(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory

Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.

€64.94m – Farnsworth
€48.09m – Pacheco
€30.15m – Stickland
€18.30m – Hinceman

Once again, Farnsworth and Pacheco dominate, the former setting yet another Apostrophes record.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season VII:

€64.94m – Farnsworth
€60.11m – Pacheco
€35.63m – Stickland
€29.80m – Tinsley
€21.35m – Hinceman

Farnsworth’s figure sets a new Apostrophes record, with Pacheco a mere handful of Euros behind.

Stickland commands a solid €30+ transfer value, with Tinsley close behind, an impressive achievement in his first season in a yellow shirt.

Hinceman maintains a good value despite his advancing years and inches.

Season VIII objectives

Sporting Apostrophes’ 1st place finish is a new record:

  • Season I – 8th from 8
  • Season II – 8th from 8
  • Season III – 7th from 8
  • Season IV – 8th from 8
  • Season V – 6th from 10
  • Season VI – 3rd from 8
  • Season VII – 1st from 8

Avoiding relegation must be the primary objective. Fans the world’s greatest football team expect nothing less than sublime, Technicolor sexball, the kind which is superior to the special school standard on offer in division II.

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