Sporting Apostrophes

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Posted on September 8, 2009

Sporting Apostrophes – Season V Summary

Posted under Off the record

Pacheco Flag

“Pacheco, the Apostrophes’ most valuable player of season V, uses his finger as a flagpole, an ancient Portuguese tradition to commemorate the country’s best ever Eurovision finish, 6th place in 1996”


Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth season is worthy of much celebration, perhaps even a token congratulatory masturbation. The team’s record-breaking 6th place finish, with a goal difference of just minus 2, is an incredible achievement given the previous season’s heartbreak. New signings Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco added much-needed goals to the Apostrophes omelette, after too many matches where “terrorist” Farnsworth was the only realistic harvester of onion.

Stickland can boast the best season of his career, despite his 26-match goal famine. His granite, do-or-die defending has been blessed by the two-touch fairy, adding a much-needed sex touch to his onionball.

Hawkins’ handsheath wizardry contributed to the yellows conceding just 5.18 goals per game, a new record for the Apostrophes. Hawkins’ feat is made more remarkable by Hinceman’s absenteeism: the “beast from Baltimore” has suffered a sequence of vacation injuries which have blighted his season, leaving the team to rue the absence of his stoic defensive displays.

Kimberley made a valuable contribution in the middle of the park. “juryman” Bell tolled too, albeit exclusively on the wings.

Midfield maestros Turner and Wessely experienced fair-to-middling seasons. Their tireless running added relish to the Super A’s kebab, but they both suffered from ill-calibrated onion compasses, returning just 3 goals between them.

Lissimore’s season was cut short by injury, a broken toe suffered against VJJ back in May.

In stark contrast to last season, Super A’s fans have much to look forward to as season VI begins. With a fantastic new kit just days away and the best fans in the league, only a fool would bet against the Apostrophes conquering all comers.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ final game of season V, the 12-10 victory against division II champions 5IVE, was arguably the match of the season, a veritable onion jamboree of Technicolor sexball.

Worst Performance

The 1-9 reverse anal demolition at the hands of old rivals Green Park was a low point that the team will be keen to forget.

Goal scorers

Correa’s haul of 18 goals in 13 matches made him the season’s top scorer, with a very respectable goals-per-game average of 1.38.

Canadian Hannigan-Daley chalked up an outrageous 15 goals in just 4 appearances, a total of 3.75 goals per game. Apostrophes fans, whilst delighted with his abundance of violations, remain infuriated with his unnecessarily long name, which has doubled the cost of a replica shirt featuring his moniker.

Farnsworth and Pacheco each delivered 13 goals; a disappointing haul for the former, as the Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer on 69 goals. Farnsworth‘s tally was hindered by his mortal fear of the penalty spot.

McInerney failed to hit the target in his solitary appearance for the yellows: a disappointing end to his glittering (some might say steaming) career.

“never score” Lissimore and Stickland both achieved a combined total of none, nothing, zero, increasing their odds of scoring at the bookies to 250-1.

Man-of-the-Match awards

New signing Pacheco won the coveted man-of-the-match gong on 6 occasions, equalling Hinceman’s Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. Incredibly, Pacheco was the standout player in every one of his first 5 matches. However, with just 1 award in his last 6 appearances in a yellow shirt, fans wonder whether the Portuguese wonder is rationing his sexball.

Correa, Hawkins and Stickland each achieved greatness 3 times, followed closely by Bell and Hannigan-Daley on 2 apiece, the latter in just 4 appearances.

Despite scoring 13 goals, “guarantee” Farnsworth was deemed unworthy of the accolade in any of his 8 appearances.

Disciplinary record

Wessely chalked up his first yellow card since season II. Portuguese gentleman Pacheco was unlucky to receive an unjust warning thanks to some unsporting behaviour (some might say downright cheating) by Flat Back Four.


Congratulations to Correa and Stickland who set a new Sporting Apostrophes record with 13 appearances apiece.

Hawkins donned sheathes 12 times, equalling his personal best, the previous Apostrophes record.

Kimberley and Pacheco both wore the famous yellow jersey on 11 occasions: a personal best for the former, an impressive debut season for the latter.

Sporting Apostrophes welcomed 3 new signings in season V: Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco.

Super A’s legend McInerney was released from his multi-million contract, having reached the grand old age of 35. The goal-a-game striker remains a free agent, leaving fans hoping he might deliver his unique brand of “stationary pain” once again.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Hannigan-Daley and Lissimore are both able to boast a maximum success ration of 1.0, with neither player being on the losing side in season V. The remainder of the squad all achieve respectable figures in the region of 0.54 (Stickland) to 0.33 (Turner), leaving Wessely (0.29), Farnsworth (0.25) and finally McInerney (0.0) at the foot of the table.

Value per victory

(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory

Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.

€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley
€25.48m – Pacheco
€20.69m – Stickland
€19.75m – Correa

Hannigan-Daley’s irrepressible, single-minded love for onion has resulted in him being on the winning side in each of his 4 appearances, clearly demonstrating how much tastier the recipe can be with a dollop of maple syrup. Pacheco’s sexball, combined with Correa’s driving, amphetamine performances have shown that they too can make the difference. Defying age and mother nature, Stickland‘s career-defining season has been a genuine delight, following a number of indifferent campaigns.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season V:

€56.06m – Pacheco
€51.34m – Correa
€38.34m – Stickland
€36.40m – Hawkins
€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley

Pacheco breaks the €50m bracket, setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process, beating Wessely’s season III best of €52m. New signings Correa and Hannigan-Daley enter the top 5: an impressive first-season achievement. Handsheath exponent Hawkins proves the theory that goalkeepers depreciate slowly, like a pungent cheese, or perhaps a helicopter.

Stickland’s sensational season is capped with an incredible €38m value; a sizable increase on his previous suggested retail price of just €14m.

Farnsworth’s value has halved as the goals have dried up; Hinceman has also seen a dramatic reduction in his value.

McInerney‘s €4m valuation is just 10% of his season II value, clearly demonstrating the speed at which athletes deteriorate.

Season VI objectives

Sporting Apostrophes’ 6th place finish is a new record:

  • Season I – 8th from 8
  • Season II – 8th from 8
  • Season III – 7th from 8
  • Season IV – 8th from 8
  • Season V – 6th from 10

Last season’s prediction of a top 5 finish proved to be not far off the mark. Progress demands that the famous yellows must look towards the promised land of a promotion finish.

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