Sporting Apostrophes

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Posted on April 29, 2009

Sporting Apostrophes – Season IV Summary

Posted under Off the record

End Of Season Bash

“Everyone’s a winner at the Sporting Apostrophes end-of-season bash. Left to right: McInerney, Stickland, Lissimore, Farnsworth, Apostolov, Kimberley, Hinceman.”


Sporting Apostrophes fourth season was an unmitigated disaster. The 7 points won from the first 5 matches promised to deliver a mid-table finish, but the subsequent 9 losses were worse than even the most pessimistic of fans could have imagined. The team’s bottom-placed finish marks a new low for the club, and, with the spectre of relegation a distinct possibility (subject to the formation of division III), the outlook for the world’s favourite football team is bleak.

The reasons for the Super A’s capitulation are clear:

  • Injury problems – Wessely in particular has been sorely missed.
  • Holidays – “ice queen” Turner’s love of the slopes has denied the team of his tippy-tappy goodness.
  • Substitutes – All too often, Sporting Apostrophes have been forced to field a team of just 5, sometimes less during the difficult mid-season.
  • Officiation – Referee Gillespie’s promised penalties failed to materialise.
  • Attire – The cursed blue jersey has brought the team nothing but heartache.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ performance of the season was undoubtedly the 9-3 victory against Team Wang, which featured a remarkable double hat-trick from the irrepressible “terrorist” Farnsworth.

Worst Performance

The gut-wrenching, bowel-clenching 18-2 hammering at the hands of El Paso is certainly a candidate, but the 15-3 mauling by U.B.O.C. surely takes the biscuit. With a full compliment of players, including substitutes, against a team previously conquered, the team can do little but hang their heads in shame at the bitter memory.

Goal scorers

To the delight of fans, “guarantee” Farnsworth’s double hat-trick on the final day of the season brought his tally to 24, bettering his previous best by 2 goals and setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. His goals-per-game average of 3 is unsurpassed.

McInerney contributed 9 onion bag violations, just a single goal behind his personal best of 10 achieved in season 2.

Hinceman equalled his personal best of 4, a figure matched by Wessley, who surely would have scored more were his season not cut short by injury.

Kimberley’s haul of 3 is consistent with his transformation into the albino Essien.

Man-of-the-Match awards

Hawkins won the coveted man-of-the-match gong in 5 of his 12 appearances, equalling his previous best set in season II, and demonstrating a clear return to form for the handsheath specialist after a disappointing season III.

Farnsworth was the stand-out player in half of his 8 matches.

Despite having a solid season, Hinceman will be disappointed that his record-breaking tally of 6 man-of-the-match awards has halved; conversely, Kimberley, also on 3, must be commended for his achievements, having not won the award in his previous two campaigns.

Bell’s goal-scoring, man-of-the-match debut against Real So So Bad deserves special plaudits.

Disciplinary record

Sporting Apostrophes boast an unblemished disciplinary record in their historic fourth season.


Hawkins matched the Apostrophes record of 12 appearances set by Wessely in season III.

Hinceman graced the astroturf 11 times; a personal best.

Kimberley and McInerney both wore the famous jersey on 10 occasions; a great achievement for the latter, following last season’s tobacco injuries.

Fans have high hopes for Turner, whose absences, whether through vacation or injury, are a source of much frustration in the Grammar End.

Sporting Apostrophes welcome Apostolov and Bell, who both made their debuts in the latter half of the season. The team waves farewell to Super A’s legend Bonell, who despite announcing his retirement may well make the occasional appearance to thrill the fans.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Incredibly, despite his injury woes, Wessely boasts a success ratio of 0.5, clearly demonstrating his contribution to the team’s chances of success.

With the team reliant on his guaranteed goals, Farnsworth’s figure of 0.38 comes as no surprise, unlike Kimberley’s 0.38 – an impressive figure for the “midget enforcer”.

Hawkins’ success ratio of just 0.17 has made some fans question whether he still has the heart to play division II football, having tasted life in the top flight. Other, somewhat wiser fans concede that his presence makes little or no impact on the team’s results.

Apostolov, Bell, Bonell and Stickland made 13 appearances between them, but the unfortunate quartet were on the losing side each time.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

The season IV Apostrophes “dream team” – a dynamite ensemble with a combined value of almost €200,000,000.

€49,140,000 – Farnsworth
€46,080,000 – Hawkins
€37,250,000 – Hinceman
€35,130,000 – Kimberley
€29,240,000 – McInerney

Whilst Farnsworth and Hinceman’s values have remained consistently high, Hawkins, Kimberley and particularly McInerney have all experienced significant gains since last season.

Wessely’s value has fallen from last season’s Super A’s record of €52.62m to €16.42m – an inevitable consequence of his long-term shoulder injury.

Lissimore will be looking to better his €14.48m value next season; fans await his first violation with baited breath!

Season V objectives

Since the team’s formation, Sporting Apostrophes have been denied the success that is rightfully theirs:

  • Season I – 8th
  • Season II – 8th
  • Season III – 7th
  • Season IV – 8th

For season V to be considered a success, the Super A’s must surely aspire to achieve a record-breaking league position of at least 5th: the dizzy heights of mid-table mediocrity. Of course, this will very much depend on whether the team is demoted to division III.

5 Responses to “Sporting Apostrophes – Season IV Summary”

  1. Could we get promoted in season V? Stranger things have happened (not much stranger, mind you).

  2. Blimey I’m worth sod all…

  3. Ahh… value is closely linked to motm awards and goals, with the former being most important. Value also decreases with age. It’s a bloody complicated algorithm, and, if I’m being honest, it’s littered with inadequacies!

  4. Dolph Lundgren Says:

    No medals this season?

  5. […] Last season’s prediction of a top 5 finish proved to be not far off the mark. Progress demands that the famous yellows must look towards the promised land of a promotion finish. Leave a Reply […]

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