Sporting Apostrophes

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Posted on January 22, 2009

Sporting Apostrophes – Season III Summary

Posted under Off the record

Borgnin Hinceman Scientists-1

“Borgnine and Hinceman raid the club sperm bank to clone the next generation of elite football talent from Pele’s sacred seed”


Sporting Apostrophes’ form took a noticeable dip in the second half of the season, with just 6 points taken from a possible 21 in the last 7 matches:


McInerney and Turner’s long-term absences coincided with the team’s dismal run, leading pundits to suggest that their presence may make the difference. The pair have played together just twice this season, furthering long-standing rumours of dressing room unrest.

The Super A’s record-breaking league table finish of 7th is worthy of praise, with just 2 points separating them from 4th spot, but they’re sure to be under pressure to improve upon this in season IV.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ 8-1 thumping of El Paso was surely the season’s stand-out moment, capped by a hat-trick for Wessely and an astonishing 5-goal haul for “guarantee” Farnsworth.

Worst Performance

The humiliating 18-2 drubbing by division II champions It’s Back was a low point – the Super A’s all-time heaviest defeat.

Goal scorers

Goalmouth terrorist Farnsworth became Sporting Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer with an incredible 22 goals this season, more than doubling McInerney’s previous record of 10, achieved in season II.

Wessely, Sporting Apostrophes’ non-blind, non-ginger Scholes, contributed an impressive 10 from midfield, his 0.83 goals-per-game ratio drawing inevitable comparisons with Ronaldo.

Following his embarrassing season II goal drought, Kimberley is once again scoring regularly, his haul of 9 in 9 clear evidence of a return to form for the diminutive striker.

Turner’s half dozen onion bag violations, scored in 6 matches, demonstrates solid progression, his goals-per-game average having improved to 1.0 from season II’s 0.88 and just 0.2 in season I.

McInerney made just 3 appearances, but his 5 goals (1.67 goals-per-game) helped the Super A’s to run out as victors twice.

Man-of-the-Match awards

“Big Ben” Hinceman, Sporting Apostrophes token American, was the stand-out player of season III, his 10 appearances resulting in an incredible 6 man-of-the-match awards, beating Hawkins’ previous record of 5. Die-hard fans, delighted with his physical, shirt-tearing performances, long to see him learn to shoot accurately, but coaches concede that his genetic predisposition to kick the ball over the bar will be difficult to overcome.

Wessely and Farnsworth won the coveted prize on 5 and 4 occasions respectively, the former primarily for his energetic midfield displays, the latter for his ability to kick a ball so hard it goes back in time.

Lissimore received the famous gong for the first time against U.B.O.C. last November. Fans wait with baited breath for his first goal for the world famous club.

Disciplinary record

Sporting Apostrophes, true to their moniker, maintained an impeccable disciplinary record with just one caution all season (Turner, in the 8-1 victory against El Paso).


Wessely wore the famous yellow jersey 12 times, setting a new season record for the Super A’s.

Farnsworth, Hawkins and Hinceman each played 10 matches, followed by Kimberley with 9 and Lissimore with 8.

Turner, Bonell and McInerney, Apostrophes since the team’s very first appearance, turned out 6, 4 and 3 times respectively.

Special plaudits must go out to White, his 4 appearances proving invaluable during the team’s inevitable mid-season injury crisis. His man-of-the-match, hat-trick scoring debut was surely amongst this season’s highlights.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Just €3million separates the Apostrophes’ most valuable players:

€52,620,000 – Wessely
€51,410,000 – Farnsworth
€49,130,000 – Hinceman

All 3 smash the previous record of €43,390,000, set by Hawkins in season II.

Lissimore and Stickland, impressive whether sweeping or sheathed, both doubled their transfer value to €20million. Their defensive versatility has seen the pair repeatedly linked to Arsenal, with Wenger seeing them as the ideal solution to his ill-disciplined, want-away back four.

McInerney’s value has plummeted to just €10million from last season’s high of €40million. Bonell, Hawkins and Turner have also experienced significant falls.

Sporting Apostrophes’ Miscellany

Bonell – tasted victory for only the second time in his 16-match Apostrophes career on the final day of the season. Dedicated Apostrophe or glutton for punishment, you decide.

Farnsworth – surprising no one, he was outed as a terrorist. Repeatedly linked to Liverpool as a replacement for the misfiring Keane.

– the manflinging sheathmeister became a father for the first time.

Hinceman – the “Beast from Baltimore” grew at least 2 inches, losing the number 2 from his shirt in the process.

Kimberley – regained his confidence and shooting plimsoles, defying critics.

Lissimore – continues to knock back the ales with gusto, against doctor’s orders.

McInerney – newly betrothen, the aging striker looks unlikely to be put out to pasture just yet.

Stickland – overcame the odds to beat the injury fairy once and for all, and amazed the fans with his secret love of sheathes.

Turner – his snowboarding training regime goes against club policy, but fans hope it will reap dividends on the hallowed astroturf.

Wessely – the Super A’s youngest player is allegedly on Zola’s hit-list following Bellamy’s departure.

3 Responses to “Sporting Apostrophes – Season III Summary”

  1. 6th place or better next season, surely!?

  2. That my friends is the most magnificent piece of writing in all history.

    Dare I say it makes me weep from my ahem… anus?

  3. Who is this gusto person I’m drinking with?