Sporting Apostrophes

In a shock backroom restructure, player/manager Milan Hawkins has resigned from his position as kit manager, citing the club’s much publicised refusal to contribute towards his mounting detergent costs as the overriding factor.

In a press conference, a club spokesman said “Due to the crippling lack of finances imposed on the club by the team’s consistent underacheivement, the board was simply unable to meet Milan’s monetary demands”.

The appointment of mis-firing striker/defender Tim Stickland as his replacement has raised eyebrows. Responding to the inevitable concerns over Stickland’s lack of kit managerial experience, the spokesman insisted: “Tim has an encyclopaedic knowledge of both cleaning products and wash cycles that is the envy of East London - we’re delighted that he has agreed to apply his art to the man-made fibres of the Super A’s talismanic red bibs”.

In an attempt to further silence Stickland’s detractors, the club has released the following image depicting an intensely focused Stickland in practice manoeuvres this morning.

Both Hawkins and Stickland were unavailable for comment.

“No! THIS is how you tackle, young man!”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Diepeveen (TBC)
Kimberley
Mysterious “Moose”
Stickland
Turner

Fans’ favourites - an update

The club has been inundated with phone calls and threats from supporters, demanding to know the whereabouts of some of their favourite players:

• Bonell - on a scouting mission in Ireland, following the chairman’s £30 cash injection to fund new signings.
• Davies - last week’s four-goal hero is resting.
• Hawkins - in Berlin, coaching deprived children to Advanced Fouling and Punishment NVQ Level III standard.
• McInerney - arse still ravaged by buminjuries, but the physio says he’s a cert for Sunday 22nd if he lays off the roll-ups.

Right, that’s cleared up that then.

“Hawkins contains his fury by chewing a plastic anger-supressant”

Crippled by managonies in his knees and ankles, Hawkins will wrestle the pain barrier to the deck and drop defiant faecal pellets in its mouth. Three cheers, the hero!

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Davies (TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner

“Ever-present Bonell - torn between club and country”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Bonell (injured + international duty - TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner (whereabouts unknown?)

Tabloid rumours of ill-discipline with the ranks of the Super A’s were given further credence following McInerney’s “night on the tiles” following the 4-2 reverse against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks. The coach’s tofu and Ribena diet was abandoned in favour of roll-ups and Guinness in what witnesses describe as a shocking display of wanton excess and depravity.

McInerney, captured on film, exercising a covert, pre-midnight Beardsley.

“Artist’s impression of what Davies could possibly just maybe perhaps look like”

Following weeks of speculation, Davies will make his hotly-anticipated first appearance for the Super A’s next Sunday.

The big question on the lips of every die-hard fan - will he have the courage, manliness and chest size below 50″ required to don the hallowed number 10 bib?

“Mummy, I am so hungry!”

Swedish dynamo Bonell has been declared fit and available for Sunday’s crucial tie against One Flew Into the Keeper’s Net:

Min utförande på Söndagen vilja komma med stor stolthet till folk av Sverige. JAG er mycket bättre än tjock pojke Tomat Brolin han kasta en mörk höljas i moln av skam ovanför den motherland.

JAG förutsäga en bekväm seger på Söndagen, följande en eftertrycklig Eurovision vinna!

English translation:

My performance on Sunday will bring great pride to the people of Sweden. I am much better than fat boy Tomas Brolin - he casts a dark cloud of shame upon the motherland.

I predict a comfortable victory on Sunday, following an emphatic Eurovision win!

The Super A’s are now 1-5 favourites with bookmaker Paddy Power.

“You rotter, don’t punish me!”

Probable line-up (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

Unsubstantiated rumours persist of a freak training ground incident that may sideline midfield engine Turner for Sunday’s game. More news when we have it.