Sporting Apostrophes

“Police will leave no crevice uninvestigated in the search for the holybib”

One of the famous Super A’s red bibs is missing following Sunday’s fixtures.

“I was getting the bibs ready for ‘er indoors to wash,” sobbed kitman and hand sheath enthusiast Hawkins. “There should have been ten… ten…” he continued, releasing a full-on mankatebushwail from the bottom of his bumcaverns.

Players, fans and groupies are encouraged to check their laundry baskets for this piece of sporting history. In the meantime, police will continue their investigations.

“Very small crowds of very excited fans gathered to watch Reid warm up his very famous right peg on Saturday”

With their bruising first season nearing its end, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior athleticism and coordinating strip of Unsung Heroes, losing a respectable 5-2.

“This victory has brought them a worthy promotion” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine. “However, I still think we were robbed, the referee was clearly bent, and the ball was under-inflated, no question.”

Sporting Apostrophes, deeply traumatised by the lack of substitutes for their first “Super Sunday”, began the game with a number of fans’ favourites gracing the white astroturf. Hawkins hoped to continue his fine form with the hand sheathes, protected by the immobile defensive wall of McInerney. Kimberley, fed by midfield wizard Bonell, aimed to add to his impressive haul of goals this season, with the help of Reid, on loan from Aston Villa.

The Super A’s stroked the ball around admirably, probing the Unsung Heroes for obvious vulnerabilities. Upon finding they had none, the Apostrophes found themselves under the hammer. The defensive heroics of Hawkins and “static” McInerney could only save the virginal dignity of the onion bag for the first ten minutes, before Unsung Heroes opened their account with two near identical goals. Sporting Apostrophes replied with a genuine wonder goal from Sweden’s Bonell followed by a Reid rocket, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team returning to the palatial splendour of their dressing room at half time a goal behind.

With energy in short supply and the substitutes bench unoccupied, the Super A’s fortunes waned as the second half progressed. The team laboured on, searching for opportunities, the vocal crowd willing them to overturn the one goal deficit. Despite their brave efforts, the boney, death-finger of exhaustion tapped each player on the shoulder, allowing Unsung Heroes to add a brace to their account.

“Kimberley’s left his shooting boots at home,” sighed one season ticket holder upon leaving the stadium. “So much for the ‘in-form’ striker tag!”

Sporting Apostrophes prop up the table with a miserly, Mugabe-like three points. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-5
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Bonell (1), Reid (1).

The poll to decide the colour of the Super A’s official team strip will end at 9pm on Saturday evening. Fans and players alike are strongly encouraged to get their votes in as soon as possible.

Following consultation with embroidery experts, a series of important revisions have been made to the Sporting Apostrophes club badge to ensure it can be successfully created:

• The team name is now larger, and the outline stroke has been removed.
• The text beneath the badge has also increased in size to ensure legibility once stitched.
• The Latin motto is now beneath the badge rather than on the sash.
• Flames add drama and excitment.
• At the request of Pele’s agent, the footballs are now brown like his employer’s testes.

The Super A’s squad for Sunday’s matches is currently:

Bocchi A
Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
McInerney
Reid (one-off celebrity guest appearance from the West Midlands speed merchant)

As this is a two-match Sunday the fee is of course doubled. For eight players it’ll be £8-a-pop (8 x 8 is of course 64 - the additional £4 will go towards a new ball, as the old one is buggered).

“Injury is no excuse for letting oneself go”

Five appearance legend Turner, still suffering from the injury problems that have plagued him this season, is a major doubt for next week’s exciting double header against Unsung Heroes and the spastics.

“The ankle has been killing me all season, hand sheathes or no hand sheathes,” he protested, during an open training session this morning. “Bed rest and drink, that’s what I need.”

“Season ticket holders show their frustration at losing to the hapless My Left Foot”
Record crowds are expected for the big double-header on the last day of the season!

Sporting Apostrophes vs Unsung Heroes
1pm kick-off, Sunday 29th June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Followed immediately by:

Sporting Apostrophes vs My Left Foot
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 29th June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

The second match against My Left Foot is a revenge tie - if we don’t win this by at least 10 goals, expect hari-kari. The squad will be increased to 8 players for this exciting festival of football, guaranteeing every man at least some time on the sidelines to weep silently through exhaustion.

The Sporting Apostrophes official club badge was unveiled today at a packed press conference in east London.

Any die-hard Apostrophes fan will immediately recognise the significance of the various components of the badge; to help the ignorant:

• The badge boasts an officially licensed likeness of Pele, smiling broadly after yet another devastating Super A’s performance.
• The two golden footballs represent Pele’s generous, loving plums (refer to the history section of this website for more information).
• The motto “A ATROX INIQUITAS” - “A terrible injustice” in Latin.
• The badge features three gold stars, the meaning of which is a terrible, terrible secret.

Officially licensed merchandise will be available from all good sports retailers shortly.

“Kimberley, with boyfriend-mentor John Barnes, quaffs Lucozade by the quart to quench his irrepressible manthurstiness”

The mesmerising eight-goal thriller against FC Mackenhegan (FCM) yesterday ended in a convincing victory for the Super A’s.

“Outstanding, our first victory!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, whilst thumbing his glans through his trousers. “It brought a tear to the eye of my anus.”

With Hawkins donning the famous hand sheathes, the Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up, augmented with an extra helping of Italian meat by way of Bocchi A, brother of defensive danger-man Bocchi J. With in-form striker Kimberley, midfield maestro Bonell and “sick note” McInerney completing the line-up, a football extravaganza of much excellence was anticipated by the capacity crowd of genuine, real life fans.

Despite the presence of siblings, brotherly love was not in abundance during the first few minutes of the match. An innocuous challenge by Bocchi A enraged FC Mackenhegan’s talismanic captain Fat Rollo, who proceeded to burst the seams of his skin-tight shirt with his man-fury. Gibb, his luxurious hair and beard officiating the Super A’s yet again, controlled the testosterone-fuelled outburst admirably, condemning Fat Rollo to the stands for the remainder of the half.

The Apostrophes, calmer than an anaethetised paraplegic pensioner in a straight-jacket, proceeded to stroke the leather sphere around with great beauty, arousing the innumerable fans. FCM soon succumbed to the Super A’s entrancing “total football” - their virginal onion bag was brutally violated by a virile Kimberley, his purple patch of form throbbing like the vein on a monster’s penis.

FCM pegged back a solitary goal thanks to an unjust penalty, leaving the Apostrophes to return to the opulent luxury of their dressing room at half time with a commanding 4-1 lead.

With victory assured, the second half saw the Super A’s exercise their significant manliness and superiority at a canter. Hawkins impressed the genuinely voluminous crowd with a string of top draw saves; his trademark testicular “nad-save” late in the game was definitely one for the already bulging “Heroic Saves” scrapbook. Absent due to an orgy of drunkenness, 5-appearance legend Turner was but a distant memory to the partizan crowd.

Two late penalty misses by Bocchi A and Kimberley mattered little, the game already won thanks to additional goals by the brothers Bocchi and “sick note” McInerney.

Sporting Apostrophes remain adhered to the foot of the table with a particularly potent adhesive. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-1
Squad: Bocchi A, Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: Kimberley (4), Bocchi A (1), Bocchi J (1), McInerney (1).

“The club boasts state-of-the-art offshore laundry facilities”

The Super A’s have reappointed Hawkins as Head of Laundry following a catalogue of errors by stand-in Stickland.

“He didn’t even wash the sacred bibs! As any fan will tell you, a match-worn Sporting Apostrophes bib goes for £1000s on eBay, so I can’t help but question his motives.”

Fans and players are strongly encouraged to vote for the colour of the new kit, scheduled to debut next season, at the official Super A’s website.

“Hawkins’ unorthodox training methods are a recipe for suck cess”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against FC Mackenhegan:

Bocchi
Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner

Diepeveen or Hodgkiss - if either of you are available for selection this week, please voice your athletic desires.

“The fans show their bum-wrenching disgust!”
How on earth did the Super A’s loose this game? A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Diepeveen, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner, Yargici.
Goals: Kimberley (4), Stickland (1).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

In a shock backroom restructure, player/manager Milan Hawkins has resigned from his position as kit manager, citing the club’s much publicised refusal to contribute towards his mounting detergent costs as the overriding factor.

In a press conference, a club spokesman said “Due to the crippling lack of finances imposed on the club by the team’s consistent underacheivement, the board was simply unable to meet Milan’s monetary demands”.

The appointment of mis-firing striker/defender Tim Stickland as his replacement has raised eyebrows. Responding to the inevitable concerns over Stickland’s lack of kit managerial experience, the spokesman insisted: “Tim has an encyclopaedic knowledge of both cleaning products and wash cycles that is the envy of East London - we’re delighted that he has agreed to apply his art to the man-made fibres of the Super A’s talismanic red bibs”.

In an attempt to further silence Stickland’s detractors, the club has released the following image depicting an intensely focused Stickland in practice manoeuvres this morning.

Both Hawkins and Stickland were unavailable for comment.

“No! THIS is how you tackle, young man!”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Diepeveen (TBC)
Kimberley
Mysterious “Moose”
Stickland
Turner

Fans’ favourites - an update

The club has been inundated with phone calls and threats from supporters, demanding to know the whereabouts of some of their favourite players:

• Bonell - on a scouting mission in Ireland, following the chairman’s £30 cash injection to fund new signings.
• Davies - last week’s four-goal hero is resting.
• Hawkins - in Berlin, coaching deprived children to Advanced Fouling and Punishment NVQ Level III standard.
• McInerney - arse still ravaged by buminjuries, but the physio says he’s a cert for Sunday 22nd if he lays off the roll-ups.

Right, that’s cleared up that then.

An exciting photo story from the injured Bonell.

“The heroes admire the famous red bibs”

“Bocchi deploys his most fearsome weapon, the bald spot turn”

“Davies left without support for the umpteenth time”

“Kimberley unleashes some Birmingham flair”

“Stickland thrives on instinct, not tactics”

3pm kick-off, Sunday 15th June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

My Left Foot lost 21-1 last weekend - surely we can beat them, surely?!

“Father admires the official merchandise, available from the club shop”

Another sell-out under the arches resulted in a disappointing 8-5 reverse against Belarussion Domination yesterday,

“In the first half we were rubbish” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They punished us good and proper, but we rallied in the second half and put in a good performance. It truly was a game of two testes.”

To the dismay of the fans, the Apostrophes were forced to play without their famous red bibs. Referee Barry Gibb, once again granted the privilege of refereeing a Super A’s classic, insisted that the bibs rendered the team invisible, given the red shirts of Belarus and the red playing surface.

Visibly disorientated by the change of attire, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up: Turner donning the hand sheathes; Bocchi’s Italian meat up the rear; Kimberley playing the role of puffing floater; Davies dishing up a generous helping of flair with a side order of goals up top; Stickland shouting up and down the right wing.

Within the first two minutes, the Super A’s were a goal up, courtesy of a hammer-like toe-poke that would grace any primary school playground from Kimberley. The exertion of scoring too much for him, Kimberley chose to rest on his laurels, the injured Hawkins his replacement.

Chants of “Belarus! Belarus!” filled the arches as the Apostrophes opponents upped their game. A flurry of long distance shots ensued, five of which miraculously found their target.

Fans on the terraces wondered whether it was the introduction of Hawkins that led to the embarrassing capitulation. “He’s not fit to wear the bib,” they cried, as Hawkins laboured about the pitch, slower than a pensioner on dialysis, as the referee blew the half time whistle.

The second half saw a marked improvement in the Super A’s performance and aggression. Bocchi and Turner put in a sparkling defensive display, out-leaping and out-muscling their adversaries respectively. With Kimberley and Stickland alternating in the role of soux chef to Davies’ celebrity chef, an improbable victory seemed an outside possibility.

Despite four well taken goals from Davies and a final warning from the referee for Hawkins, the second-gear exploits of the Apostrophes in the first half proved their undoing, with three more goals from Belarus deciding the fixture.

Sporting Apostrophes continue to prop up the second division table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Bocchi, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Davies (4), Kimberley (1).

“Hawkins contains his fury by chewing a plastic anger-supressant”

Crippled by managonies in his knees and ankles, Hawkins will wrestle the pain barrier to the deck and drop defiant faecal pellets in its mouth. Three cheers, the hero!

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Davies (TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner

“Ever-present Bonell - torn between club and country”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Bonell (injured + international duty - TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner (whereabouts unknown?)