3pm kick-off, Sunday 5th July 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Hawkins and Kimberley show their ‘Birmingham Flair’ in a game of street onionball, in a rare, previously unreleased photo from the Apostrophes archive.”
Last Sunday’s encounter with promotion-chasing Frutti di Mare resulted in a 10-2 mauling for the Super A’s.
“They were better than us: you better, you better, you bet,” chairman Ernest Borgnine waxed lyrically on his diamond-encrusted microphone, aping The Who’s Roger Daltrey. “We’re following the same worrying trend as last season: 7 points from the first 5 matches, then disastercatastrophe. It’s not good enough: we need to turn the beat around.”
Onion bag violations for Correa and Pacheco were the only highlights of what proved to be a miserable day for the world’s favourite football team. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-10
Squad: Bell, Correa, Farnsworth, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 28th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Hinceman’s 3-week promotional tour of North America began with an action-packed cameo for MLS side LA Soccerplanets”
Sporting Apostrophes produced an abundance of egg, a veritable footballing omelette, but failed to take home the bacon in last Sunday’s nail-biting encounter with Flat Back Four.
“It was so very close. I could taste the three points on the tip of my tongue, around my gummy teeth and even in the back of my throat,” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, his grief as deep-seated and meaningful as that of a motherless child. “We’ve flirted with Lady Luck this season, but on too many occasions we’ve gone home with her brother, Dave Misfortune.”
A predictably excellent line-up graced the hallowed astroturf: a footballing hurricane, as devastating as Katrina, more intimidating than the mythical Boreas, Eurus, Notus and Zephyrus combined.
The entrée was a delightful spectacle, as the Apostrophes treated the capacity crowd and innumerable tellybox audience to some first class onionball.
“Hurrah!” shouted the partizan crowd, with considerable justification.
Onion bag violations flowed: stereo tip-tap from Pacheco, solitary Haley’s Comet from Farnsworth, but Flat Back Four responded with unjustness thrice.
Dessert began with a magnificent effort from Correa, a blistering run down the left channel. An Apostrophes victory looked certain, until two late, unjust goals from their opponents cheated them of the victory that was theirs by divine right.
With the halfway point of season V approaching, Sporting Apostrophes continue to linger uncomfortably close to the foot of the division II table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Farnsworth (1).
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 21st June 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Wessely is dispatched to the sin-bin by referee Chris Griffin”
Sunday’s ill-tempered match against Minety ended in a disappointing loss for the world’s favourite football team.
“They’re rotten pigs, that’s what they are!” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, incensed by the gamesmanship and ungentlemanly conduct employed by Sporting Apostrophes’ opponents. “Worse still, Minety take their name from a filthy, gypsy village in Wiltshire! Honestly, it makes me sick from my testes to my stomach - more commonly known as my abdomen.”
A familiar line-up of internationally renowned “Apostrophes Galacticos” graced the astroturf, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Making his landmark 30th appearance, and his first of season V, McInerney appeared first from the tunnel to rapturous applause. The aging striker was joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his reduced scoring rate a cause for concern on the terraces. Midfield wizards Wessely and Turner soon followed, accompanied by Hinceman, the “Leaning Tower of Shoreditch” eager to add to his wonder-strike, a fussballblitzkreigstürmer scored in his previous match. Recent signing Correa came next, his goal-a-game form adding some much needed firepower to the squad, with Hawkins, at the rear, completing the magnificent septet.
Referee Chris Griffin started proceedings with a confident “toot!” of his whistle. Sporting Apostrophes immediately surged forward, the irresistible odeur de oignon like a red flag to a büll with an unnecessary umlaut. Farnsworth drew first blood, a trademark cannon from an improbable distance. With the fans’ cheers still echoing around the stadium, Minety equalised, an uncharacteristic error from “Handsheath” Hawkins. Bullish, steamroller manball from Hinceman and Correa kept the scores at one apiece, as Turner and Wessely added hundreds-and-thousands by the handful.
Fans expectations for the second half were sky high, but the Apostrophes, faced with unsporting, undignified behaviour from their opponents, looked unlikely to sup at the fountain of victory. Their Achilles heel, stamina, proved their undoing for the umpteenth time, as Minety took full advantage, adding another three onion bag violations without reply.
“This is a terrible injustice!” Wessely protested, with liberal use of swear words thrown in for good measure.
“It’s the Bin of Sin for you son!” replied the referee, exerting his Fritzl-like authority with considerable panache.
A player down and three goals behind, Sporting Apostrophes left the field at the end of the match ruing chances missed and the curse of poor stamina. A terrible injustice!
Score: 1-4
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).
TBC kick-off, Sunday 14th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Turner influences the ball’s trajectory using the gravitational pull of his testes”
It was all square in the final installment of the Super A’s double header last Sunday, the points being shared with league newcomers Chosen Men.
“Two wins on the bounce would have been incredible, and we fought hard for the 3 points, but we’re happy with the final result,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine at the final whistle. “Over the course of the day we took 4 points from 6: not to be sniffed at, and a step in the right direction in our quest for promotion.”
Match highlights include: Hinceman ending his 9-match onion famine; end-to-end tippy-tap from Turner; granite, Easter Island defending from Lissimore; Kimberley making his landmark 40th appearance for the Super A’s.
Despite earning a point, Apostrophes fans were dismayed to hear that Lissimore’s cracked toe will keep him sidelined for 10 weeks. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-2
Squad: Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Hinceman (1), Pacheco (1).
“Hinceman regrets the decision to stop applying sun cream at chin level”
Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a sizable step forward last Sunday with a convincing 4-1 victory against U.B.O.C.
“It’s always a close, physical game against U.B.O.C., so it was a real pleasure to take all 3 points,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pleasure evident from the freshly inked Gloria Estefan tattoo smiling innocently from his bare, waxed chest. “We didn’t get a single point off them last season: the devil season, season IV, the season of which I will never speak again.”
Match highlights include: double-layer onion cake for both Correa and Pacheco; Stickland celebrating his third win in nineteen appearances; top-drawer man-flinging from Herr Hawkins.
Apostrophes fans’ hopes of promotion look optimistic, as the team lie mid-table, a full 8 points behind league leaders 5IVE. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-1
Squad: Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Correa (2), Pacheco (2).
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Kimberley pushes his body to the limit in his quest for division I football”
Sunday’s thrill-a-minute encounter with old rivals Real So So Bad ended in a narrow 5-4 reverse for the world’s favourite football team.
“We put in a great performance, and, with a 4-2 lead, we could well have won it,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Their superior stamina was the deciding factor, but full credit to the boys, it’s the closest we’ve ever come to taking points off them.”
Goal-machine Farnsworth made a welcome return to the starting line-up, making his first appearance of the season. Hand sheath specialist Hawkins joined him, accompanied by Wessely, who chose to wear his white shirt once again in protest at Shaw Tyre and Exhaust’s lack of funding. Kimberley followed, shoulders slumped, his enthusiasm for division II football at a low ebb following his cameo appearance for One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net. Debutants Correa and Pacheco completed the Super A’s line-up, as the capacity crowd, in full voice, greeted the start of the first half.
Correa drew first blood within a minute, a sublime volley past the off guard ‘keeper.
“Hurrah!” shouted the home fans, justifiably.
“Traction!” retorted the infidels in the away end, as Real So So Bad added mayonnaise to the sandwich.
Sporting Apostrophes conceded another, despite some staunch defending by Kimberley. Wessely’s tireless running, aided by some sublime fustal skills from Pacheco, setup “guarantee” Farnsworth for the equaliser, before the referee blew his whistle, bringing the first half to an end.
The Super A’s dominated the first 10 minutes of the second half. Correa’s driving, powerful play was rewarded with another onion bag violation, whilst Farnsworth completed his brace with an astonishing shot, delivered from his own half, it’s journey akin to a meteorite destined for Planet Onion.
With the Apostrophes 4-2 to the good, fans expected a famous victory, but the team’s tired legs and vulnerability to counter-attacks proved their undoing, as Real So So Bad delivered punishment thrice more, despite some energetic man-flinging from the irrepressible Hawkins.
The Sporting Apostrophes team bus deposited the players at a local hostelry for post-match drinks, their passion undiminished, their epic, Oprah appetite for onion still burning like a Jesus Zippo with perma-wick. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley, Pacheco, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (2).
IT’S A THRILLING DOUBLE-HEADER!
Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 31st May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Sporting Apostrophes vs Chosen Men
3pm kick-off, Sunday 31st May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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Stickland’s flinging bringing singing from the fans
Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion were dealt a savage blow by Green Park, who strolled to a convincing 9-1 victory in Sunday’s division II match.
“Smells like Teen Spirit? Stinks more like geriatric onion!” raged chairman Ernest Borgnine, his confidence shattered by the heavy defeat. “The boys played well, but without a proven goal scorer on the pitch it was always going to be a challenge.”
Fans on the terraces showed their appreciation for Turner, his long-term injury and winter sports fever having limited his appearances in recent months. Stickland’s sheath wizardry also drew praise, on what proved to be a difficult day for the world’s favourite team. A terrible injustice!
Score: 1-9
Squad: Apostolov, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Kimberley (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 24th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Wessely’s shoulder: defrosted and back to its best”
Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth encounter with old rivals Team Wang resulted in an emphatic victory for the world’s favourite football team.
“I promised new signings, I delivered new signings!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eyes still watering from the influx of onion. “One wonders, could Farnsworth’s record of 24 goals be under threat so soon?”
The Super A’s first fixture of season V, following the previous week’s postponement, featured an eye-popping array of new signings, all eager to do justice to the famous yellow jersey. Brun, from Italy; Canadian Hannigan-Daley; the unknown Chan: fans were agog at this incredible injection of new blood into the team. The debutants were joined by Apostolov, Hawkins and Lissimore, and, to the delight of the capacity crowd, midfield maestro Wessely, fully recovered from his long-term injury.
Apprehensive, tentative, probing: the Apostrophes’ incredible new line-up took just minutes to form, as an Eskimo’s jelly solidifies rapidly in the land of the midnight sun. A stunning drive from Hannigan-Daley opened the team’s account. Team Wang responded with a fortunate long-range effort, before Sporting’s onion monsoon descended. Referee Candy watched from the sidelines, awe-struck, as Wang’s onion bag was violated again and again by Brun and Hannigan-Daley. Wang offered little in response, their sole effort a penalty saved by “adhesive digits” Hawkins, before the half time whistle blew with the team boasting an astonishing 7-1 advantage.
With such a commanding lead, it was inevitable that the team’s appetite for onion would be diminished. Sporting Apostrophes’ post-coital, tippy-tappy deliciousness brought cheers from the crowd, but their most vocal praise was saved for Wessely, who, back from injury, performed with tremendous energy, instructing the new recruits on the intricacies of Powerleague and the necessity of defending, aided by the ever-reliable Lissimore.
Further violations from Brun, Hannigan-Daley and Wessely added to Sporting Apostrophes’ record-breaking tally, with Wang adding another two, leaving the referee to bring an end to proceedings with the score at 10-3 to the Super A’s.
Sporting Apostrophes historic 50th match ended in a well-deserved victory, but the shortage of yellow shirts and the ongoing sponsorship saga remain a source of considerable irritation. A terrible injustice!
Score: 10-3
Squad: Apostolov, Brun, Chan, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Brun (5), Hannigan-Daley (4), Wessely (1).
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 17th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 10th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“A Sporting Apostrophes fan makes his feelings known”
Sporting Apostrophes will continue to strike fear into the hearts and bowels of division II teams, following official news that their on-off relegation battle has been abandoned.
“Truth be told, we rely on them for gate receipts,” opined Andrew Pigott, Head Of Emailing Things And Facebook at Powerleague London City. “We’d lose untold millions on merchandise and TV rights, so we’d be foolish to relegate them. After all, they are the world’s favourite football team!”
Fans’ forums were ablaze following news that both division I and II will be extended to 10 teams, increasing the season length to an astonishing 18 games.
“With international fixtures, the Champions League and exhibition games in the far east, I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep the squad fit, ready and marginally able,” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, aghast at the last-minute league expansion. “Nevertheless, with One Flew In The Keepers Net out of the way I confidently predict promotion this season.”
“Everyone’s a winner at the Sporting Apostrophes end-of-season bash. Left to right: McInerney, Stickland, Lissimore, Farnsworth, Apostolov, Kimberley, Hinceman.”
Overview
Sporting Apostrophes fourth season was an unmitigated disaster. The 7 points won from the first 5 matches promised to deliver a mid-table finish, but the subsequent 9 losses were worse than even the most pessimistic of fans could have imagined. The team’s bottom-placed finish marks a new low for the club, and, with the spectre of relegation a distinct possibility (subject to the formation of division III), the outlook for the world’s favourite football team is bleak.
The reasons for the Super A’s capitulation are clear:
Best Performance
Sporting Apostrophes’ performance of the season was undoubtedly the 9-3 victory against Team Wang, which featured a remarkable double hat-trick from the irrepressible “terrorist” Farnsworth.
Worst Performance
The gut-wrenching, bowel-clenching 18-2 hammering at the hands of El Paso is certainly a candidate, but the 15-3 mauling by U.B.O.C. surely takes the biscuit. With a full compliment of players, including substitutes, against a team previously conquered, the team can do little but hang their heads in shame at the bitter memory.
Goal scorers
To the delight of fans, “guarantee” Farnsworth’s double hat-trick on the final day of the season brought his tally to 24, bettering his previous best by 2 goals and setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. His goals-per-game average of 3 is unsurpassed.
McInerney contributed 9 onion bag violations, just a single goal behind his personal best of 10 achieved in season 2.
Hinceman equalled his personal best of 4, a figure matched by Wessley, who surely would have scored more were his season not cut short by injury.
Kimberley’s haul of 3 is consistent with his transformation into the albino Essien.
Man-of-the-Match awards
Hawkins won the coveted man-of-the-match gong in 5 of his 12 appearances, equalling his previous best set in season II, and demonstrating a clear return to form for the handsheath specialist after a disappointing season III.
Farnsworth was the stand-out player in half of his 8 matches.
Despite having a solid season, Hinceman will be disappointed that his record-breaking tally of 6 man-of-the-match awards has halved; conversely, Kimberley, also on 3, must be commended for his achievements, having not won the award in his previous two campaigns.
Bell’s goal-scoring, man-of-the-match debut against Real So So Bad deserves special plaudits.
Disciplinary record
Sporting Apostrophes boast an unblemished disciplinary record in their historic fourth season.
Appearances
Hawkins matched the Apostrophes record of 12 appearances set by Wessely in season III.
Hinceman graced the astroturf 11 times; a personal best.
Kimberley and McInerney both wore the famous jersey on 10 occasions; a great achievement for the latter, following last season’s tobacco injuries.
Fans have high hopes for Turner, whose absences, whether through vacation or injury, are a source of much frustration in the Grammar End.
Sporting Apostrophes welcome Apostolov and Bell, who both made their debuts in the latter half of the season. The team waves farewell to Super A’s legend Bonell, who despite announcing his retirement may well make the occasional appearance to thrill the fans.
Success ratio
(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio
Incredibly, despite his injury woes, Wessely boasts a success ratio of 0.5, clearly demonstrating his contribution to the team’s chances of success.
With the team reliant on his guaranteed goals, Farnsworth’s figure of 0.38 comes as no surprise, unlike Kimberley’s 0.38 - an impressive figure for the “midget enforcer”.
Hawkins’ success ratio of just 0.17 has made some fans question whether he still has the heart to play division II football, having tasted life in the top flight. Other, somewhat wiser fans concede that his presence makes little or no impact on the team’s results.
Apostolov, Bell, Bonell and Stickland made 13 appearances between them, but the unfortunate quartet were on the losing side each time.
Legitimate, real-world transfer values
The season IV Apostrophes “dream team” - a dynamite ensemble with a combined value of almost €200,000,000.
€49,140,000 - Farnsworth
€46,080,000 - Hawkins
€37,250,000 - Hinceman
€35,130,000 - Kimberley
€29,240,000 - McInerney
Whilst Farnsworth and Hinceman’s values have remained consistently high, Hawkins, Kimberley and particularly McInerney have all experienced significant gains since last season.
Wessely’s value has fallen from last season’s Super A’s record of €52.62m to €16.42m - an inevitable consequence of his long-term shoulder injury.
Lissimore will be looking to better his €14.48m value next season; fans await his first violation with baited breath!
Season V objectives
Since the team’s formation, Sporting Apostrophes have been denied the success that is rightfully theirs:
For season V to be considered a success, the Super A’s must surely aspire to achieve a record-breaking league position of at least 5th: the dizzy heights of mid-table mediocrity. Of course, this will very much depend on whether the team is demoted to division III.
“Farnsworth celebrates his remarkable double hat-trick”
Sporting Apostrophes’ season horribilis concluded with a tremendous game of football against old rivals U.B.O.C.
“Three points would have been the icing on the cake of bum chocolate that we’ve baked this season, but it wasn’t to be,” chairman Ernest Borgnine whispered carelessy ala George Michael, his melancholy testicles hanging from his trousers like a pair of mournful greengrocers waiting for a long-lost onion delivery. “The old yellow shirts did seem to make a difference, though, so it looks like we’ll be forced to extend the hand of friendship to our estranged sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”
Looking positively ravishing in their famous yellow jerseys, the world’s favourite football team emerged from the tunnel and galloped forth onto the astroturf: Bell, the retiring Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney; the combined luminosity of their golden torsos was enough to make the sun hang his head in shame.
To commemorate Bonell’s glittering Apostrophes career, fans unfurled a giant flag featuring Sweden’s greatest, all-time, tastiest heroes, with the midfield dynamo taking pride of place in the centre.
Fans, players and referees, overcome with emotion, wept openly as the match kicked off.
The first 10 minutes were closer than Rosie Gaines at a Glenn Close convention. The two teams battled, probed and prodded, ever searching for the infant Onion Moses, the first born violation. To the delight of fans, “terrorist” Farnsworth played midwife, caressing the ball into the net with a deft toe poke.
“We might just win this!” roared the partizan crowd somewhat prematurely, as the smell of onion enveloped the stadium.
Against the run of play and the will of General Zod, U.B.O.C. exploited the Super A’s trademark inability to defend, as the team were punished to the tune of four goals.
“Bumfinger!” the fans groaned in unison, as the Apostrophes retired to their changing complex at half time with a sizable deficit.
Sporting Apostrophes’ fortunes changed in the second half. The muscular defending from Lissimore; the precise passing from Bell and Bonell; Hinceman’s MMA; McInerney’s constructive pointing and shouting; Hawkins’ manflinging; Farnsworth’s incredible shooting power, contributing to his second double hat-trick of the season. All these factors almost delivered the victory fans craved, but Sporting’s valiant efforts were thwarted by a late goal from U.B.O.C. who took all 3 points with an unjust 7-6 victory.
With season IV finally over, Sporting Apostrophes fans (who are legion) are still waiting for their first Powerleague championship title. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-7
Squad: Bell, Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (6).
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