Sporting Apostrophes

“Borgnine and Turner study the Apostrophes form book”

Sporting Apostophes’ Projectile Emulation Niche Instruction Simulator (P.E.N.I.S.) application, codenamed “Oracle”, has been upgraded to display per-season statistics on the world’s favourite team.

“It’s a real eye-opener” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It’s clear to see how effective Farnsworth and Wessely have been so far this season. McInerney is confirmed as last season’s Top Onion Bag Penetrator, with Farnsworth a mere goal behind, whilst Kimberley was our best striker before that.”

“McInerney is persona non grata at his local J.D. Wetherspoon”

Want-away grandad “static” McInerney’s troubled third season with Sporting Apostrophes shows little sign of improvement, following the publication of photos showing the aftermath of his weekend of debauchery.

“He was top-scorer last season, but last season is last season, not this season, which is the season that’s currently of most interest to me,” opined one season ticket holder outside the club superstore. “Christ, even Kimberley has scored more goals!”

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 23rd November 2008 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“The team congratulate Farnsworth on his quintuple violation”

Yesterday’s “Super Sunday” fixture against table-toppers El Paso resulted in a magnificent 8-1 victory for the Apostrophes.

“We didn’t just beat them, we thrashed them!” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his enthusiasm despite being naked from the waist down. “We took them to school, gave them detention and beat them savagely with a child-stick to near death!”

With “static” McInerney and Kimberley unavailable for selection, the Super A’s fielded a youthful side somewhat reminiscent of Arsenal’s pre-pubescent Carling Cup prodigies, only much, much better. With an average age of just 30, quick-witted fans christened them Borgnine’s Babes, to the delight of players and fans alike.

Hawkins and Turner made a welcome return to the team, the former following his hand sheath seminar in Berlin, the latter having rejected Fulham’s advances after last week’s controversial trial. The pair were joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for goals making him delirious, his mouth foaming with saliva like a rabid dog. Lissimore assumed sweeper duties, with Wessely providing pace in midfield. The in-form Hinceman completed the line-up, eager to build upon his consecutive man-of-the-match performances.

Whistle-happy referee Morgan Tsvangirai was welcomed by a chorus of boos as the first half commenced, his suspect decisions incurring the wrath of the Apostrophes faithful. Within a matter of seconds, he pursed his angry lips and blew, enraging the partizan crowd.

“You’re a rotter, how on earth does that contravene football rules?” one fan shouted, displaying a gentlemanly restraint so typical of fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End.

The Super A’s, mindful of the referee’s innumerable inadequacies, exercised caution in their challenges, but still played their unique brand of “total football” in defiance of his dubious officiation skills. With passing so beautiful and humbling in its excellence an albino would turn midnight black, a flurry of onion bag violations was sure to follow, and so it came to pass. The incredible power of “guarantee” Farnsworth’s shot reaped dividends in spades, Wessely’s pinpoint accuracy it’s perfect foil.

Sporting Apostrophes’ virile attacking tsunami was supported by a granite defense, courtesy of Lissimore and Hinceman, with hand sheath exponent Hawkins’ saves bringing anal gasps of excitement from the capacity crowd. The first half concluded with the team four goals to the good, despite Turner’s brief sojourn to the dreaded sin bin.

Determined not to throw away a convincing lead, the Apostrophes delivered more delicious, oven-baked football in the second half. Wessely completed his second hat-trick of the season, whilst Farnsworth’s punishment tally ran to an incredible, record-breaking five goals. Turner, Lissimore and Hinceman were unfortunate to not add to the Apostrophes impressive haul, the woodwork denying them on a number of occasions.

El Paso responded with a solitary onion bag violation, but it was the merest faecal pebble of comfort for a team thoroughly humbled by a display of supreme footballing dominance.

Sporting Apostrophes lie 5th in the table thanks to inferior goal difference, despite their superior athleticism and Hollywood good looks. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-1
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (5), Wessely (3).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 16th November 2008 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“In an effort to increase his onion bag violations, Kimberley simulates ball trajectory and velocity on his advanced Amstrad CPC”

Sporting Apostrophes’ succumbed to a disappointing defeat against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net in Sunday’s 15-goal thriller.

“Very bad game yesterday, the worst we have played in the Super A’s history,” said Kimberley, emailing via his Amstrad CPC, purchased with his first professional pay packet and still going strong. “We were actually 4-3 up at half time but threw it all away, I don’t think we strung 3 passes together all game.”

Chairman Ernest Borgnine was unavailable for comment, furthering rumours of unrest at the world famous club.

Sporting Apostrophes continue to incur the wrath of Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co thanks to their mid-table mediocrity. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-10
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely, White.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Wessely (1), White (1).

“With their sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. in ruins, the team practice their trademark ‘back to goal, don’t defend’ manoeuvre in unbranded sweatshirts. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, Bonell, White, Kimberley, Hinceman, Farnsworth”

Rock biscuit Bonell is scheduled to return, his on-off tattoo injury still a source of mischief. The Swede will be joined by White, an immediate fans’ favourite following his debut hat-trick. Hinceman’s ankle, so effective in last week’s match, will be risked again against the advice of the team witch doctor.

Farnsworth, Kimberley, Lissimore and Wessely complete the Apostrophes line-up.

Sunday’s line-up

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
Wessely
White

“Hinceman and Bonell on the wheelchair road to recovery”

Sporting Apostrophes took all three points in Sunday’s 13-goal thriller against Team Wang.

“Six points out of a possible nine! I’m beside myself with joy” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at his post-match colostomy bag refresh. “OK, so we nearly threw it away - at times it looked as though we actually WANTED them to win - but it’s three points on the board nonetheless.”

Fans wept and ritually sacrificed orphans, such was there joy at seeing Hinceman, his heavily bandaged ankle testament to the greatness of this veteran of many an Apostrophes War. The cacophony of noise continued as Turner joined him, his impressive strike rate making him this season’s early favourite for the coveted Brown Plimsole.

Aural statisticians monitoring the precise volume of the crowd registered no reduction in volume upon the appearance of “guarantee” Farnsworth, whose presence on the score sheet is as reliable as clockwork. Fans maintained their enthusiasm as Hawkins somersaulted from the tunnel, with the sound of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” propelling him through the air as though weightless.

After what seemed like hours, the team’s elder statesmen Kimberley and McInerney trudged onto the hallowed astroturf, their combined age of 94 a great, evil “shame stain” upon the world’s most excellent and famous club.

Deploying their renowned diamond formation, the Super A’s started the first half at a lively tempo; somewhere between a canter and a gallop, what some might call a “sexual manjog”. Their ball stroking quickly drew first blood, to the delight of the innumerable, real-life fans. A second soon followed, a bizarre off-the-bar-on-the-bar-and-in goal from Hinceman, his ankle clearly having lost none of its Baltimore Fury. Team Wang replied thanks to defensive crossed wires, Sporting’s communication skills having let them down for the umpteenth time, before the referee blew for half time.

After such a promising performance in the first half, a predictable, inevitable loss of form was apparent from the outset of the second. Sporting Apostrophes onion compass wasn’t calibrated, and their passing, so arousing in the first period, seemed listless and misguided, like a zombie rapist on parole. Team Wang punished the Super A’s onion like an abusive step-brother, leaving fans fearful that like last week’s match, the game would be thrown away. Despite their misgivings, the team held on to their lead until the final whistle for a famous 7-6 victory.

Sporting Apostrophes inferior goal difference leaves them in fourth spot, having taken six points from a possible nine. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hinceman (2), McInerney (1), Turner (2).

3pm kick-off, Sunday 9th November 2008 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Turner and Wessely’s goals couldn’t stop the injustice of defeat”

Yesterday’s goal-fest against Real So So Bad ended in an unfortunate 13-6 reverse for the world’s most handsome football team.

“After last week’s victory the boys have become complacent,” bemoaned chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. ” Our defence was shocking in the second half, and with no subs available, we ran out of options and sex wee.”

Fans struggled to contain their excitement as an all-star team of Apostrophes legends took to the field for their pre-match calisthenics workout. Hawkins waved at the crowd, showing off his brand new hand sheathes to the fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End. McInerney soon followed, dispelling rumours of his death by natural causes following last week’s mysterious no-show. The in-form midfield pairing of Turner and Wessely joined them, with Lissimore at the rear, his broken toe now a distant memory.

The Super A’s started the first half at a fierce tempo, with much arousing ball stroking and an abundance of tippy-tappy one two play that would bring milky penis tears to the sternest of long ball advocates. The inevitable onion bag violations appeared courtesy of Turner and Wessely, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Real So So Bad soon responded, taking advantage of Hawkins’ unorthodox distribution, the start of a catalogue of defensive mishaps that led to the first half ending four apiece.

“I cannae work out what they’re doin’,” grumbled one season ticket holder, confused at the Apostrophes’ backdoor shenanigans. “After last week’s victory they just wanna taste onion, but you cannae neglect your own onion and let yer opponents stab at it willfully.”

Hawkins handed the sheathes to Lissimore for the second half, as the team tried to claim a famous second consecutive victory. Despite Wessely completing a hat-trick and further punishment from Turner and the aging McInerney, the Super A’s shameful defending led to a torrent of goals from Real So So Bad, to the dismay of the partizan crowd.

Leaving the field at the final whistle, their heads and scrotums hanging in shame, the team spent many mournful hours in their changing boudoir reflecting upon wasted chances, and defending that would make a paralympian blush.

After two matches of their first season in Division II, Sporting Apostrophes must content themselves with mid-table mediocrity. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-13
Squad: Hawkins, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: McInerney (1), Turner (2), Wessely (3).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 2nd November 2008 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Following last week’s victory the team’s rigorous training schedule has stepped up a gear. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, McInerney, Turner, Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes line-up for Sunday’s fixture against Real So So Bad:

Hawkins
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

Fans’ favourites Farnsworth (alcohol) and Hinceman (ankle) are subject to a late fitness test.

“Wessely winces as the ball approaches his naked, sheathless manfingers”

To the astonishment of the capacity crowd, Sporting Apostrophes’ debut season at Powerleague London City began with a magnificent 7-6 victory against Dynamo Kebab.

“Now they’re liberated from the confines of the Old Street sweatbox the boys have space to really turn on the style” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “This season is sure to bring goals, excitement, and, inevitably, promotion to Division I.”

The abundance of onion bag violations came courtesy of the ever-scoring Farnsworth, the in-form Turner, a brace from “punisher” Kimberley and an incredible hat-trick from debutant White.

Special plaudits must go to Wessely who bravely defended the Super A’s onion bag sans sheathes.

Sporting Apostrophes start the season with a convincing victory but little sign of appreciation from Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Kimberley, Turner, Wessely, White.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (2), Turner (1), White (3).

Last week’s match was supposed to be against Real So So Bad, but it appears that we actually played Dynamo Kebab. So, Real So So Bad face the mighty Apostrophes on their incredible unbeaten run of one match!

3pm kick-off, Sunday 26th October 2008 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Hand sheath magician Hawkins’ first book on the artistry and science of onion bag defending is due to hit bookshelves worldwide from Monday 20th October. Topics include:

• Sheath selection, maintenance and pull-out sizing chart.
• Polyester - “it’s just better”.
• Diving left or right - how to get it right 100% of the time, every time.
• Coveting balls - fantasy and reality.
• Opponents - know your enema.
• Penalties - why they’re unjust, how to save them 100% of the time, every time.
• Mind games - arouse your opponent with one lingering stare.
• Elbows - the gift from God.
• Underwear dilemmas and testicular support.

Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.

1pm kick-off, Sunday 19th October 2008 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Genuine, real life fans make their feelings abundantly clear on the Super A’s results this season”

Sunday’s match against newly crowned league champions YOH FC ended in an unfortunate 15-1 reverse for the world’s most handsome football team.

“Bottom of the table - again!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at the end-of-season rollerdisco. “I have a meeting with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. later this week to explain what went wrong this season; apart from blaming Kimberley’s woeful performances, I just don’t know what to tell them.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ solitary onion bag violation came courtesy of Wessely, his first for the world famous yellows.

Sporting Apostrophes end the season at the foot of Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-15
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Wessely (1).

“Jubilant YOH FC players gloat with their championship medals, as Borgnine and Farnsworth concoct an evil plan for their destruction”

Sporting Apostrophes expect yet another sell-out crowd for their final game of the season against newly-crowned champions YOH FC.

“Of course, everyone knows that we’re the best team in the league, if not the world, but I must extend my warmest congratulatory penis in their general direction,” said chairman Ernest Borgnine at a pre-match photo call. “I’d sex all of them if it was legal.”

“Evolution or intelligent design? Mankind cannot fathom how such athletes are created. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Bonell, Turner, Wessely, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

Sporting Apostrophes’ line-up for Sunday’s fixture against YOH FC, the undefeated champions of Division I:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

“Mugabe lays down the law as Farnsworth, aided by Hawkins, ridicules his 1″ Hitler ‘tache”

Sporting Apostrophes tasted defeat once again in yesterday’s memorable encounter with bitter rivals Los Diablos.

“We’re genuinely competing at this level now which surely makes us hot favourites for the Division II title at Liverpool Street,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “I expect a great deal from the boys next season - commitment, goals, passion, sex, enema and badger.”

The Super A’s appeared to rapturous applause, the fans showing their appreciation for the free-scoring Farnsworth, returning from promotional duties in the north east, and Lissimore, fully recuperated from his his broken toe. The pair were soon followed by Wessely, keen to build on his impressive debut performance, and McInerney, whose escalating transfer value is the topic du jour.

“Over €40million for a player on the brink of retirement, maybe even death by natural causes, is outrageous!” opined one season ticket holder before the Super A’s “classico” kicked off. “You cannae argue with the man’s goals, though, he loves the onion bag more than his own flesh and blood” commented another.

Kimberley and Hawkins soon joined the team’s calisthenics “Work Out n’ Warm Up” routine, to the amazement of the genuine, real life crowd. With the Apostrophes having achieved maximum flexibility and a zen-like mental state, referee Mugabe pursed his lips and blew his solid ivory whistle to signify the commencement of the first half.

From the outset, it was evident that there was no love lost between the Apostrophes and Los Diablos, winners of the “Most Irritating Team” award for the third consecutive season. Amid the shirt-pulling and shoving, Farnsworth, reliable as ever, found space to create the first goal, to the delight of the innumerable fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End. Los Diablos pegged the score back to one apiece, but Kimberley replied with a rare shot on target to restore the Apostrophes lead.

The Super A’s, looking more tired than usual, were unable to defend their slim advantage for long: the team retired to the opulent luxury of their changing rooms a goal down, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.

Hawkins, making a rare outfield appearance, passed the hand sheathes to Lissimore as the second half kicked off, the Apostrophes keen to avenge their sullied onion bag. Inevitably, their thirst for vengeance boiled over into angry exchanges with Los Diablos. The abundance of cursing and handbags soon incurred the wrath of Mugabe.

“Cease this nonsense! Not on my watch!” he screamed, his face turned plum-black with rage.

Farnsworth and Wessely bore the brunt of his fury, the former consigned to the sin-bin, the latter sent to the stands for the remainder of the match.

With Hawkins and McInerney the only remaining outfield players, and Kimberley fast asleep in the dugout, the odds were stacked against a famous victory for the yellows. Los Diablos peppered the Apostrophes goal with shots, making full use of their numerical advantage, but Lissimore put in an inspired performance to deny them the opportunity to feast at the temple of onion.

Against the run of play, Hawkins hammered a beastly shot past the hapless opposing hand sheath exponent, following a delightful one-two-how’s-your-father with McInerney. Fans roared their approval as he added another, an entirely deliberate rebound off the ad hoarding.

“He loves sheathes AND onion!” cried the fans, astounded that a hand sheath enthusiast could inflict such punishment.

The yellows pushed forward as Farnsworth, back from the sin bin, and Kimberley, awake and fully conscious, sought to add to the Apostrophes tally. Unfortunately, Los Diablos punished them via a series of counter attacks, taking full advantage of their opponents’ inferior stamina and numerical deficiency.

“Enough!” roared Mugabe as he blew the final whistle, using his mouth for speech and his anus for whistle power.

Exhausted and dejected, Sporting Apostrophes trudged off the field, cursing their luck, Mugabe and the ghost of Christopher Reeve, all of whom had abandoned them in their hour of need.

As the final game of the season approaches, Sporting Apostrophes appear destined to finish in the bottom two of Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-7
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Hawkins (2), Kimberley (1).